there's a first time for everything

i always have been shy on the subject of sex, but working where i work often forces you to talk about the most awkward things with the quirkiest of people. jennifer, a friend of mine, was asked by another woman in her department to go to a sex toy party with her. reluctant to go by herself, she asked me to go with her. i accepted the invitation, not sure of what i was getting myself into. i know women go to these kinds of things a lot. they’re like Seriously-Gone-Wrong Mary Kay parties and there are a ton of craaazy women at them and you get to hear 40 year old women talk about how bored they are with their husbands, or lack-there-of.

i, on the other hand, was not so sure what to do in this situation. i was happy to see that they had margaritas and daiquiris upon request to ease the nerves. the good part is, i didn’t really have much to be nervous about. i found that it wasn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be. they passed around lots of scented massage creams and little favors, a catalog, and a few other odds and ends. they thoroughly explained the use of more things than i’ve ever heard of in my life, and it was pretty entertaining. i’m sure it will not be the last one i’ll ever attend, whether it’s by choice or not. it was, however, an experience i will never forget and this is because of one woman alone.

this woman was sitting in the corner not really speaking to many people. i think she was just along for the ride, much like i was. everyone had been giggling and laughing along, mostly i think to ease the tension in the first 15 minutes. she was probably 60-65 years old and she seemed comfortable until we were all handed this lip balm/Put-This-Anywhere-You-Want-Stimulated substance. most of us used it as lip balm. it was just like the little chapsticks you get in the cosmetic aisle that are supposed to plump your lips and make them tingly. the lady giving this demonstration had already clearly stated that you CAN put it elsewhere… so this daring, brave woman decided to put it on her nipples. i have never heard someone scream so loudly and awkwardly as i did this afternoon and i am sure that she had the most fun she’d had in years in those 5-6 seconds. i choked on my margarita and nearly died laughing. thank you, Mrs. Lady in the Corner, for making my Sex Toy Party experience that much more enjoyable.

i have since duct taped the complementary Penis Pencil Topper we all received on my bedroom door facing outward for all of our guests to see.