That *IS* My Nightmare

[edit] let me say briefly that i’ve been to my share of gory metal concerts in my life, including GWAR (those of you who have attended one of their concerts know it’s not for the faint at heart). i generally know what to expect. this was just crossing the line for me. [/edit]

in my last entry, i mentioned something along the lines of the avenged sevenfold/disturbed concert being the worst best concert ever. and i didn’t really say what that meant. mostly because i was still angry and i didn’t want to spew hatred all over my website. i cut back on my swearing a lot on the internet (in real life, i probably curse more than a lady should and i drop the F-bomb 384 times a day)… and i don’t think i would’ve been able to had i not waited.

with that said, i will try my best not to swear.

i love avenged sevenfold. i’ve loved them for years. i have listened to their albums until my ears bled (figuratively speaking, of course). i even sacrificed a pair of flip flops (stolen RIGHT off my feet!) at their concert in myrtle beach a few years ago, and got a bloodied eyebrow from when some guy punched me in the side of the head (not on purpose). let’s just say, i’m a fan.

and when they opened up last wednesday night with their good-but-hugely-overplayed hit, “Nightmare”, my heart sank a little. actually, a lot. a whole lot. why? because of this. i didn’t take this picture, and i’m hot-linking it because i don’t want to upload it. it doesn’t show the whole thing, but that is actually a MAN. HANGING. FROM A NOOSE. FOR THE WHOLE 5-6 MINUTES OF THE SONG. he actually DROPPED in at the start of the song, and was swinging, and… ugh.

i literally had to keep myself from throwing up. i could feel my stomach clenching up into knots and i felt my face turn 8 shades of red within seconds. i couldn’t even breathe, i was so angry. brett had gone to get us a couple beers when this happened, and when he got back i was already bawling my eyes out. needless to say, we left the stadium and sat out on a bench until it was over. i didn’t do much talking. he knew why i was upset, so he just sat with me and gave me a big hug. and then he went and checked before we went back in to make sure it was gone. because he’s awesome like that.

i know i’ve posted on here several times about how my cousin’s suicide affected me… and because i’d never lost a loved one before her, i had no idea how MUCH it would affect me, and for how long, and i’ve realized that it will probably affect me forever.

one reason being that she had severe problems with depression, something i’ve dealt with for over a decade, something that i tried so hard to help her with, going as far as offering to buy her a plane ticket to get out of NY and come stay with me whenever she needed it/me/help.

another reason being that she hung herself, something i could never quite come to terms with, and for the first week after her death i got sick to my stomach just walking into my apartment because every time i did, i would picture her hanging there. i had nightmares for WEEKS. i still have strange dreams about her… some are happy, and others are quite the opposite.

i will never be able to get that image out of my head for as long as i live.