Just Stop

i sat down to meditate tonight, and my head was inundated with thoughts. for whatever reason, i couldn't focus. i couldn't let go. i couldn't just SIT. i couldn't help but notice my mind creating a backlog of to-do's, even a few minutes in.

i had to constantly tell myself to re-center, stop thinking about everything else. i could hear my phone buzzing on the counter over and over (another thing i need to change during these, silent mode only, more lessons being learned). i kept getting frustrated with myself, and subsequently hearing eric telling me, again, that that's part of showing myself grace, instead of being frustrated--letting all of that go, and allowing myself to sit with the medicine.

brain: "you still have X, Y, and Z to do tomorrow"

brain: "was that an alert that just popped off?"

brain: "did i do something wrong this time?"

brain: "need more tissues"

brain: "you have to start making caylin's cake tomorrow..."

brain: "your pants are crooked, fix them!"

brain: "you're not breathing enough fjeiwag;hea"

brain: "maybe this song just doesn't fit tonight..."


i couldn't snap out of it, or into it, i guess, in this case.

and i realized that that's something i need to address every day. meditations or otherwise. i am all over the place at any given moment.

constantly critquing, overthinking, exhausting my brain when i should be focused on the task at hand, whatever it may be.

there's often guilt associated when i table everything else i'm doing to do something i need to do.

if i zone out when i'm working on something heavy, i often miss meeting notifications, or other notifications. all the time. guilt.

even exercise, i carry my phone with me when i'm running. it's always with me, because god forbid i miss something. guilt.

i have got to learn to just. stop. just stop.

some things, a lot of things, can wait. and i have to let them. if i don't, it's going to do more damage to me in the long run.

only within the last handful of months have i consciously stopped allowing myself to burn the candle at both ends.

i'm still learning to show myself grace--recognizing all of these things when they happen is part of it. hoping to recognize it sooner each time, and meet it head on.