Stop, and Sit Down

eric and i sat down to meditate this morning--something we had both neglected for too long.

if you're unfamiliar with Rapéh, here is a brief intro:

The Rapéh (pronounced “Ha-peh”) snuff is a sacred and legal herbal snuff from the indigenous peoples of the forest. It is said to heighten the awareness and the senses, clear and align your mind, your instinct and your intuition and help promote cleansing of the body and soul.

Its purpose is to drive away dark thoughts and bad vibrations and align you with your best self. To be used in moderation, preferably outdoors, in a sacred place.

it is beautiful, heart opening, cleansing, perfect.

eric wafted the downstairs with sage, lit the candle, put on the music, we got our pillows, and sat on my living room floor setting our intentions.

we sat and held space with one another for several minutes, mostly in quiet. and although my intentions lately are usually centered around making sure that i am whole for my girls, learing patience, learning grace, healing, unconditional love, etc, the medicine had other lessons for me this morning.

the tears streamed down my face.

i have not been kind to myself. and this is hard for me to wrap my head around.

because i make good money. i have a house. i am fed. i have 3 beautiful girls who shower me with love. i buy myself things. i take myself out to eat and i get my nails done (although i usually end up working during both).

i treat myself, but i am not kind to myself.

my inner monologue, despite all of the work i've been doing over the last year, still carries a lot of negativity. i still talk down to myself. i still set stupidly unrealistic expectations. i'm never doing enough. and that's not to say it hasn't gotten better, because it has. i catch myself judging or comparing or being jealous of X, Y, or Z, and more often than not, i consciously work through it. this is extremely important to me.

but i also know who i used to be, and the things i've done, and i haven't forgiven myself. there is this constant feeling of "i don't deserve any of this", when i should know that i do.

i don't let myself relax. i almost never allow myself down time. i never unplug. i trick myself into thinking it is, when i'm cooking or baking or activity-ing with the girls or working out or whatever it may be. but i never let myself just sit and breathe. there is always a distraction. there is always guilt from disconnecting completely. it's always transactional.

i realized that today's meditation tied heavily into my last one that i had on my birthday. the message that the medicine kept telling me over and over and over was, "let go, and love".

i was sitting on my living room floor this morning, and the medicine hit me like the force of nature that it is. it forced me to stop. it forced me to sit. it forced me to breathe. it forced me to stay with it and let it wash over me. it was palpable. it was overwhelming.

it forced me to realize how important it is to be kind to myself. to allow myself time to breathe. to allow myself time. to. be.

i can never show myself grace, or patience, if i don't also show myself kindness.

so this morning, i breathed. i cried. i sat with my intentions. and the medicine sat with me all day. i am grateful.

day one of many <3