learning to show myself grace

in my last post, i described a pretty powerful experience i had. this is kind of a continuation of that thread--just a handful of months down the road.

recently, i was in a similar place.

this time, i went into the meditation with specific intentions, though, unlike the last time. i had good intentions the last time, obviously, but not specific. i just knew there was work to be done. there always is.

this time, my intentions were centered around patience (with myself and others), and self love/acceptance. it's important to me, now more than ever, to do the work necessary to harness both of those things. i realize, now more than ever, how much it affects everyone else in my life if i don't. my relationships with people i care about. and how much it affects my well being, my quality of life.

there was a common theme throughout, this time. every so often, i would keep telling myself, "it will manifest", "YOU make it happen". i heard and saw those phrases over and over again, as i was staring straight into my soul. and it was loud.

if i want patience, if i want self love, if i want calm--all of that is within me already. within all of us. but i have to make it happen.

and it's not something that i can force, either. that was another stark realization that came to me--that although i have to make it happen, it won't happen if i don't allow it, or make the changes necessary for these things to manifest. and if i want change, i have to be the change. i have to allow the shift in mindset. and practice it. consistently. i have to show myself grace, instead of what usually happens--self-denigration, hateful words screamed internally, guilt.

and that made me realize something else: we are all still growing. adult is an unfair word, i think. there's obviously a difference between me and my kids, but the word adult sounds so finite. none of us ever stop learning or growing, unless we decide to. unless we allow ourselves to stagnate. that is a choice. there is an infinite universe inside all of us to be explored, if we only allow ourselves to experience all of it, and grow with it.

i am still becoming who i am supposed to be. i'm not the same person i was 6 months ago--not by a long shot. or a year ago, or a decade ago. every tomorrow brings new thoughts, new ideas, new gifts, new experiences to appreciate.

i closed my eyes, and for lack of a better word, all i could see was these little buds, like flowers that weren't ready to bloom yet. but they were vibrant and alive and bubbly and full of energy and spirit. parts of me that are within, that are still being cultivated, but haven't surfaced yet.

that's that area between realizing the work to be done, and giving myself the grace to allow them to blossom. my patience, my self love, my self appreciation. they were all right there.

it will manifest, if i put in the work.

none of this matters if we don't fully appreciate ourselves. if we don't love ourselves. i laid there for hours and thought about how poorly i've treated myself for decades. but i also thought about the fact that, had i not been through every single experience i've been through until now, i wouldn't be here. i wouldn't be AWAKE to the changes that need to be made, and the possibilities in front of me. i would still be stagnant.

i appreciate all of the bad because it has shown me the dark and allowed me to see the light.

a couple years ago, during my runs, i would get so down on myself in my head that i would end up crying for miles. i felt lost. now i realize that i was never lost. it was leading me here.

and when this hit me, tears began streaming down my face instantaneously. it felt like a weight had been lifted.

i am thankful for every single bad thing (and good, obviously) that has ever happened, because it brought me to this place where i can finally begin to appreciate myself. love myself. take care of myself.

look at what we made. look around at every single thing we've created. we came from stardust. and look at what we've accomplished.

i look at my kids in awe these days. and i soak. it. in.

we will never appreciate anything fully until we fully appreciate ourselves, love ourselves, and KNOW what we are capable of.

my children will never learn how to appreciate themselves if i don't show them what self love looks like. i want them to see love, strength, confidence, independence, all of these things within themselves, before they seek out any one of those things in anyone else.

cultivate it. it will manifest.

show them life. show them love. show yourself love. be love.