R.I.P. Corey <3

a year ago today, my little cousin took her own life. she was 16. not a single day has passed since that day that i have not thought about her at least once, if not several times. i never take off her bracelet, and it reminds me that i’ll see her again one of these days.

i remember every bit of that day in such detail. i remember sitting at work getting a phone call from my mom and all she could get out was, “corey’s dead…” followed by uncontrollable crying and “she killed herself”. it didn’t take to me at first because that’s not anything i ever would have imagined hearing. you hear it and then hours and days and weeks later, reality starts to set in, and a lump starts growing in your stomach that feels like it will never go away. i remember being at a halloween party with jill and just losing it in front of everyone.

i think the hardest part is realizing why and how it happened. my mom’s side of the family has a history of depression. i’ve dealt/am dealing with it, my mom has dealt with it, my grandma has, and her mom did. it’s nothing to be taken lightly and in cases like my cousin, it can blindside you. no one saw that coming.

i was rendered completely speechless when my mom told me that corey had something she wanted to tell me in the letter she left. she said to “tell cousin whitney that she’s beautiful”. i will never forget that. i will never forget when i used to get upset at her when we were younger because she would always copy me. she would dress like me, buy the same things i did at the mall, and my grandparents, to this day, say i was the reason she got into gymnastics and cheer leading. i only wish i could’ve realized all that years ago and instead of getting irritated at her, i’d told her i loved her instead. i don’t think she heard that enough from me.

the last time we spoke, she said she wanted to get out of new york and come back to north carolina because she loved it here. she wanted to go to the beach because she had never been to the ocean. i told her that i was always here if she wanted to fly down, and i even offered to go get her if that was the case.

so here i am, sitting at emerald isle in a beach house, the one place she never got to go, on the day she left us a year ago. i saw 4 shooting stars tonight when i was out on the porch, and i’m pretty sure she wanted me to be here for her.

rest in peace, beautiful. i miss you so much, corey. we all do.