One Eighty

i feel like that’s what has happened since i wrote this post a month ago.

as far as being a mom, i feel like i’m doing my job. caylin is crazy, healthy, happy, and awesome. everything i write is full of her. clearly brett and i are doing something right. that in and of itself is the best feeling in the world.

as far as being ME? honestly, i feel like shit. i sound like a broken record–if not in writing, than in my head. my life is amazing. i am blessed, fortunate, so very lucky to have what i have. i know that.

but something, SOMETHING is way off lately. i hate to blame it on winter time (it’s hardly winter here in charleston, but the lack of daylight is absolutely influential, i felt my mood change significantly when it started getting dark so early). i hate to blame it on anything at all. i ONLY have myself to blame.

since that last post, i majorly slacked off on working out. i guess on some level i felt like i earned a few freebies? nights off? and then i just unraveled, and i think i ruined almost everything i accomplished. i should have known that when you break a habit, it takes far less time to break it than it does to recreate it. eating is way more fun than doing squats. having a beer and fries at lunch is far more fun than drinking water and eating a salad and a sandwich from a ziploc baggie. these are all blindingly obvious, but i have no willpower. at least not for the past few weeks.

because of the crap food, and working out less, i feel like shit mentally and physically. the logical me knew that would happen. i saw it happening right before my eyes. and now i can physically see the repercussions. my clothes can FEEL the repercussions. my go-to comfy outfits have been flung to the bottom of my closet, because they aren’t my go-to comfy outfits right now. that feeling alone makes my blood boil. the part where i KNEW i was doing this to myself all along and had no self control.

for a while, i was cooking awesome dinners. lean meats and a healthy-ish side and a salad. but certainly not the stuffing or cream cheese mashed taters or taco casserole or ANY casseroles for that matter. i held back on those significantly for a while. and as soon as cooler weather set in (kind of) and as soon as the holidays rolled around, i busted out the comfort food like a boss. and it just never stopped.

i need to go back to that.

i need to go back to homemade lunches 3-4 days a week.

i need to go back to taking vitamins.

i need to go back to eggs and fruit/smoothies for breakfast, and actually eating a breakfast at all.

i need to go back to not drinking beer. at all.

i need to go back to working out 5 days a week.

i need to go back to taking care of myself. if not for me, then for my family. who wants to be around this crap?

minor success: tonight was night 1. i ran sprints for 15 minutes in the cold rain, did pushups/situps/squats/squat jumps, showered, and it felt incredible. tomorrow night after caylin goes to bed, i will struggle to make the right choice. again. WHY CAN’T I ALWAYS SEE THE HIGH ON THE OTHER SIDE INSTEAD OF MAKING EXCUSES?

i hate this feeling. i hate hating myself. i hate the part where i know it’s all my fault. i hate that i let it happen at all.

getting my ass back in gear. seriously.