6 Months

caylin turned 6 months yesterday. whole-ee-shit. crazy how time flies.

milestones as of late…

  • she fed herself the other day. with a sippy cup with handles. booya.
  • she’s screaming now. like, ear piercing shrieks that send chills down your spine. they’re happy shrieks, but they are still close to deafening.
  • she thinks loki and thor are the best thing she’s ever seen. they walk into the room and she goes apeshit.
  • she’s almost sleeping through the night again (waking once or twice), and has started putting herself to sleep after i feed her. without crying.
  • she’s excellent at sit-ups!
  • she will sit up in her pack ‘n’ play for like 20 minutes playing with her toys, talking to herself, minding her own business.
  • eating lots of fruits! i pureed a bunch of peaches/carrots and bought some organic pureed baby foods. she loves strawberries and kiwi. they make her crazy hyper, though.
  • she laughs SO much and it is hilarious.
  • wearing size 3 diapers, barely fitting in 9month old clothing, and about to break mama’s back. she’s huge.

you know what i’m realizing? the older she gets, the less old i feel. like, the first 3-4 months? i felt ancient. i felt decrepit. i felt ugly as sin. i felt like i was never going to be in my 20’s again. i just felt old and boring and like i was never going to see public and the outside world ever again. and then she started smiling. and now she hardly stops smiling. and we can take her places, like out to dinner. and the beach. and she can come visit me at work. and she’s a little PERSON. and she is just starting to be crazy amounts of fun. and i can feel myself getting younger by the day.

this is seriously the best feeling, you guys. it’s like rainbows and unicorns and dandelions. it just makes me so happy. and relieved. and uplifted. and this is not to say that the first 3-4 months weren’t incredible, because they were. it was, however, a serious adjustment period. and a reality check. and so many overwhelming emotions that knocked me on my ass.

it’s also making me realize how much brett and i took for granted before we had her. meaning our time off. as in, WE HAD ALL THE DAMN TIME IN THE WORLD BEFORE WE HAD HER. and we did nothing. everyone told us to enjoy our free time. and take advantage of being able to relax and do nothing and sleep in. and that is ALL we did. and i know i’ve mentioned this before. but it is a recurring thought for me on an almost daily basis. i wish we did more STUFF around charleston before we had her. i wish we went to more concerts (though we did go to a few). there is so much fun stuff to do around here and we’ve done like, none of it.

but at the same time, it makes me realize how awesome it will [continue to] be when we do have our date nights and we get to do all the fun things we have yet to experience around here. these days, dates with brett feel like when we were first dating. because when we’re out and about and my mom babysits for us, i don’t worry about caylin. and i finally relax. let my hair down. it’s like experiencing it all over from the beginning. it is awesome.

that’s the other thing. the older caylin gets, the more i’m able to relax. example: last night. i generally cook dinner every night. i plan all our meals because it helps to budget the grocery shopping, and then i don’t have to think about what to cook every night or make random stops on the way home. i grocery shop twice a month, and i set aside 1-2 nights each week that i call “fuck it” nights. nights where i know i’m not going to want to cook, and i just want to eat something simple and play with caylin and not even worry about dinner or dishes or any of that crap. last night wasn’t supposed to be a “fuck it” night. i was planning on cooking steak and taters. i forgot to take the steaks out of the freezer the night before. since i’ve become super OCD about crap like this (don’t know why, it absolutely annoys the shit out of me), i was thinking about it all day in the back of my head, going “wtf am i going to make tonight? i don’t have anything planned! there is NO DEFROSTED MEAT IN OUR HOUSE!” then, on the drive home, i got a craving for fish. so i got take-out. you know when that happens? never. brett was so confused when he came home to take-out boxes. me too, sir. me too. but it was tasty. and i didn’t even feel guilty.

i don’t worry over shit anymore. i’m learning to let things go again. i’m learning to take things in stride again. i’m learning to laugh more again. i’m ME again. for a few months, i didn’t laugh a whole lot. i think it was mostly because i was too tense trying to making sure caylin was happy and tended to. like, if i stopped for a moment to relax, i was doing something wrong. i quickly learned when caylin was born that it’s just easier when she is on a schedule, so i put myself on her schedule. and sometimes being too regimented is just NOT good. for anyone. instead of making things easier, it was stressing me out when i didn’t have everything JUST SO by a certain time. and i feel that rolling off me day by day, a little bit at a time. especially in the past month. she is able to stay up longer. she is able to entertain herself for periods of time.

i feel so much more at ease. finally. next step–new house. new town. new chapter of our lives. i am stoked.