not feeling so hot

today wasn’t a very good day and i can’t really put a finger on why. i got home late because that’s been the routine the past week or so. we always stay up at matt and byrd’s with everyone watching LOST and hanging out and playing darts. then i drive home at 4-5 in the morning and crash, and then i sleep until 1-2 in the afternoon. i got up and showered, had some food, hung out with loki and played with her for a while and watched TV with my mom… just didn’t really do a whole lot. i think the reason i’ve not been getting upset about adam being gone as much is because i’ve been staying busy constantly but today i didn’t have anything going on so i’ve just sat here and thought all day. and when i think i get lonely and start missing him more and more and it starts eating away at me. part of me knows i need to just get my crying out and then i hear everyone who’s been telling me “you shouldn’t cry about it, it could be worse, he’s only gone 4 months, no news is good news” and all that crap and i’m like, are they right? and right now i’m thinking they’re wrong. because everything could always be worse, that’s a given. but that doesn’t make my situation any easier. i’m going to cry and that’s the only way i’m going to get used to him being gone. i miss the hell out of adam and i’ve been used to seeing him every day for the past 3 months. he’s my boyfriend and my best friend and we did whatever we wanted together and now i’m still up in the air about moving and i fucking hate living out of a suitcase. i just want to get my life back together and start doing something (like working, that’d be nice) so i can quit being a wuss and keep myself happy.

it doesn’t help that i’m PMSing. at least i think i am. all i’ve wanted lately is nachos and chocolate. and coke. not that kind of coke, the soda. but yeah, cravings like that are a giveaway and i’ve been really snappy at my friends the past couple days so that’s not good either. sorry, matt and austin and thomas, but you’re not the only ones i’m driving crazy. i’m getting on my own nerves. is that possible? i went through my entire suitcase of clothes… a whopping 10-15 shirts so it wasn’t that exciting, but i couldn’t find one thing i thought i looked good in today and that’s definitely a bad sign. i always go on a self loathing kick when i’m PMSing. so all signs point to that, which means i probably won’t be feeling too perky for the next week or so. this lovely streak will probably continue until my female hormones have decided to quit kicking my ass or until i become an alcoholic. maybe adam will call tomorrow, he said he should be able to, so that’ll be awesome, and i can get a grip.

i want to make a new layout for this site. this one is getting on my nerves but everytime i sit down with photoshop or 3dsmax or anything i just stare at a blank screen and wonder why i even tried? yeah… i’ve had a mental block for design for the past like 3 years. maybe going back to boone will give me a boost and it’ll give me some good photo ops and such.

peanut butter m&ms and late night tv, here i come. maybe i’ll even snatch mom’s coronas. jill, you should be here right now. quit watching pee wee and come to winston.

i love you adam… :blush: