Just When I Think I'm On The Right Track

…reality check.

my mom sent me this article in an email tonight. i read that one, and then moved on to this page.

as if the first article didn’t already make my eyes well up enough, the second one let the floodgates open.

“When you’re living a distracted life, every minute must be accounted for. You feel like you must be checking something off the list, staring at a screen, or rushing off to the next destination. And no matter how many ways you divide your time and attention, no matter how many duties you try and multi-task, there’s never enough time in a day to ever catch up.”

this. this is me all the time.

i live by my google tasks checklist.

i live by my ridiculous spreadsheets… although i’ve cut back on that significantly as far as personal things go, thank god.

i check my phone ALL. THE. TIME. if only to get rid of the stupid notification icons–email, chat message, friend request, that god forsaken little red number on the facebook bar, app updates, etc. they drive me insane.

and if i don’t read that email and discard it or sort it appropriately, i just can’t. can’t stand it.

and it wastes so much of my day.

many days, i wish so badly that i could ditch having a smartphone entirely. this coming from the girl who willingly pulls all nighters to code. the girl who was actively working on an android app WHILE she was having contractions for 3 hours before going into labor.


i would like to flush it down the toilet, most days.

but then i wouldn’t be able to admin servers on the fly when someone IMs me on lunch break, needing help, and i’m without my laptop because i’m out of the office, and instead of taking the break that i should be taking, i continue to work. from my phone. i don’t even give myself the luxury of a non-working lunch because i so pride myself on getting shit done and getting it done WHEN it needs to be taken care of.

then i wouldn’t be able to be at everyone’s beck and call.

not every IM i receive needs a response within 5 seconds. not every email needs to be read and responded to right away. not every request needs to be fulfilled at warp speed–i’m allowed to finish my sandwich before i fix something for someone.

it’s not like these people bug me, nag me, remind me. no. it’s my incessant need to cross things off my list and keep it as minimal as possible. to the point where i stress myself out with unrealistic expectations and zero response times. even with personal tasks.

that needs to stop. there is a time and a place.

and to make matters worse, google hangouts AND facebook now have the notifcation that shows when the other person has seen your message.

THE WORLD DOESN’T NEED THAT. we’ve come to EXPECT it, and that only makes it worse.

it’s just gotten ridiculous. and on some level i’ve known that for years now, but this really drove it home tonight.

and then i got to this part:

“From that breakthrough, breakdown moment, I began seeing my phone in a new light. I saw laundry, dishes, the constant need to keep things perfectly organized in a whole new way. I began seeing requests to serve on committees and chair events with brand new eyes. I realized that the ability to respond within seconds to an email message and multi-task three things at once was maybe not such a great thing after all. Finally after years and years of over-commitment and meaningless information overload, I began to see those things for what they were: Daily Distractions. And with much regret, I realized I’d been holding on to “distractions” tighter than I had been to my own family, my own health, my own happiness–my own ‘things that matter.'”

and it added a whole new layer of complexity/issues/anxiety/guilt to the mix.

not to say i shouldn’t worry about laundry or dishes or everything being “just so”. but… i shouldn’t have to rush to do it every night. it shouldn’t be a compulsion to the degree that it is.

that shit can wait. i’ve tried coaxing myself into that mentality for some time now… when will it ever sink in?

i shouldn’t mentally freak out when caylin drags every item in the kitchen into the living room. food on the floor. formula spilling on her clothes. when will i get it?

i shouldn’t be checking my freaking email when i’m eating dinner. or cooking dinner. or playing with caylin.

toys can be put away later. laundry can be done later. dishes can be done later. sweeping can be done later.

we only have a few hours with caylin every night.

we only have months left of her being a baby, if you could even call her that anymore.

she deserves 100% of us when we’re together, and i want to be better at that. starting now.

it’s time to let go.