It Amazes Me

that i am allowed to take care of another human being.

i was laying in bed feeding caylin tonight, waiting for her to fall asleep, and my brain always wanders off in those 20 minutes when she’s in between the last 2 ounces and passing out. all of the stupid things i’ve done, and here i am in charge of another person’s life. i don’t know how. i don’t think i ever will.

for instance…

the time i “stole” my mom’s car when i was 15 because i wanted a mcflurry THAT BADLY. i put stole in quotes because i fully intended on coming home 20 minutes later. but i really wanted ice cream, so i drove to the mcdonald’s down the street, got a mcflurry, and came home.

the first time i drank–on my 18th birthday with all my best friends. it was one of the best nights of my life, still is. but i thought that because i was drinking mountain dew mixed with vodka that it would be ok to drink a ton of it. it just tasted so good, and i had no idea what alcohol was capable of doing. luckily, those friends are some of the most trustworthy people i’ve ever met in my life, many of whom were at our wedding. that night was epic, but it ended with me passing out while i was standing up in the bathroom, and i cracked my skull open when i hit the sink on the way to the floor. probably should’ve gone to the hospital for staples. instead, i laid in my friend’s bed bleeding, eating a bowl of the best homemade spaghetti i’ve ever had to this day.

the time i went to ozzfest with a group of friends from work. i was 19, single again, and ready to party. i had 1 beer and i lost the people i was with. ended up front row at every show that day, and thought it would be ok to drink everything anyone handed me. looking back, i realize how stupid i was. oh, so stupid. it blows my mind. still, nothing bad happened. and everything i drank turned out to be completely safe. best part was, it was free, and people just kept passing me to the front of the crowds or put on someone else’s shoulders. pretty sure they felt bad because i was short and couldn’t see anything otherwise.

the time i spent almost a month touring scandinavia. i spent just about every night out on the town, many of which started out bar hopping with our group, but ended up with me roaming the streets of sweden, denmark, finland, and norway totally alone (except for the eleventy billion strangers i tried to befriend) until 7 in the morning when i would come stumbling back to the hotel or hostel, with just enough time to shower and meet back up with our group for breakfast. it’s a miracle nothing bad happened on those nights.

again, when i was in scandinavia, i met 3 guys at a bar. total nerds. still friends with them on facebook. but i knew them for all of like 2 hours when i decided it would be ok to take the train with them to their house 20 minutes away. we partied at their house until dawn, when they walked me back to the train station and bid me farewell. it was sheer luck that i ended up getting off at the right stop. i had no idea what town i was coming from or what my final destination was called.

the time i was mudding with friends in fayetteville, without my seatbelt on, trying to hold loki in my arms. and then i shattered the windshield with my forehead.

the time i spent a weekend at NC state with a bunch of high school buddies. we were playing beer pong, but the cups were filled with water so it was more sanitary. the “losers” had to bong 2 beers. we lost. someone put 2 shots of jack daniels in the end of my beer bong. zero to drunk almost instantly. naturally, i thought it would be a great idea to practice my tumbling skills. on the concrete. next thing i knew, i was laying on the ground with people hovering over me. i had done 2 back handsprings in a row when the neighbors came out to figure out what the loud noise was. it was my head hitting the concrete.

i know there are a lot of people who have done far worse things. but at 26, i pride myself on not being COMPLETELY DUMB anymore. because there are so many other instances where i was COMPLETELY DUMB and somehow came out alive and unharmed. to this day, i don’t know how.

but i hope to god that when caylin decides to do COMPLETELY DUMB things (everyone does, it’s how you learn), they’re not the same things i did.

now that i’ve given my mother about 6 heart attacks reading this, i give you something that i can say that i’m PROUD OF DOING. well, brett and i doing. and that is making the cutest baby on the planet. i’d say she’s come quite a ways from the first video to the second (ignore my horribly annoying voice):

from that, to this: in under 3 weeks. there are no words to capture how proud i am of all the things she’s capable of already, and she’s not even 5 months old.

i’m ok if she stays tiny forever. because after pondering all the dumb stuff i’ve done in my life, i finally know why my mother has, to this day, not stopped worrying about me.