last week and this week, caylin has learned to entertain herself (when she’s wide awake and not hungry, at least). i don’t know what happened. it felt almost like it was overnight. put her in her bouncer, and bam. she goes to town. put her in the jumper, and bam. she’s happy. we can walk away, and she will sit there and bang her toys around like a pro. it feels… amazing.

i don’t even know how to describe the moments where we can actually see her learning how to do new things. she wants to grab everything these days. anything within reach. my vitamin bottle. bananas. forks. her toys. my hair, especially. and our faces and throats, which is not particularly comfortable, but cute nonetheless.

at 4 months and 2 weeks she is…

  • LAUGHING. only sometimes, and it’s brief. but she has a little laugh when something strikes her. last night it was me saying “kittycat” and jumping around and swooping down to kiss her face. night before she thought me doing squats was hilarious. so. who knows.
  • grabbing everything, as mentioned.
  • making attempts to roll onto her stomach, but she doesn’t like being on her stomach yet. she’s conflicted, to say the least.
  • still trying to man handle her bottle, which is still frustrating during feeding time but it’s not quite as bad.
  • a little picky when it comes to eating. she likes to eat mostly before she goes to bed now, if not immediately after she wakes up.
  • waking up 2-3x a night to eat now. she used to sleep through the night. but since christmas, that has ended. so. much. food.
  • still sleeping with me, and that is entirely because of the last bullet. otherwise she would be in the crib every night now. she sleeps fine alone. she sleeps fine in her crib. but it’s just easier to feed her when she’s right there. despite her little feet being in my back all night. it’s just easier. roll over, feed her, and back to sleep.
  • wearing 9 month clothes. 6 month clothes barely fit her. 92nd percentile for height/length. 99th for head. 60th for weight. tall and skinny and blonde. yikes.
  • GROWING HAIR FINALLY. it’s super fuzzy, and not long at all, but it is so much more than she had a month ago or so.
  • able to start eating solids. started with mashed avocado and bananas (separately, not mixed, ew). she doesn’t really get it yet, but she knows whatever is on the spoon tastes good and goes back for more. so we’re working on it. also, i might try eating guacamole again thanks to her. haven’t had it in years but i tried a bit of her avocado and it’s not so bad this time around. PERSONAL GROWTH.
  • freaking adorable. she gets cuter by the day. i swear to god.

she passed out around 9, and brett and i have been watching discovery fit & health. which we never watch (unless it’s that my strange addiction show), but i came downstairs after putting her to sleep and he was watching a show on the first surviving septuplets. which was followed by a show about another family with sextuplets. and all i could think is how i would never survive either of those scenarios. the thought of twins even makes me want to cry. not that twins are bad. i would just never make it. i can barely handle ONE baby. and after seeing those shows, makes me feel pretty pathetic. these people handled it. i mean HANDLED. IT. and they were smiling. i’m convinced they’re superheros. i have no excuse to ever fail at being a mom. period.

i don’t know what it is lately but i’m either stressed or something is just up with me. i am drowsy all the time, but get plenty of sleep. or at least what i would consider plenty of sleep. i take my vitamins every day. i don’t have anything to stress about, nor do i ever feel like i’m stressing over anything. maybe it’s just anxiety built up in tiny amounts over time. i don’t know what it is. whatever it is though, it has me out of wack. my hormones STILL, after 4 months, haven’t leveled out since having caylin. i know this because my face hasn’t broken out in 13 months, and that hasn’t happened in 10 years. i think that might be partially to blame. i just don’t feel like myself the last few weeks. it’s weird. if i could feel like normal AND keep nice skin, i would be ecstatic. but i know better.

we had a potluck today at work which was a much welcomed break. a few of us were in online training for a good portion of the day today, which will continue into tomorrow and friday. and i’ve pretty much been occupied non-stop at work everyday with my workload the last couple weeks (not a stressful workload, there’s just always something to be done) so maybe it’s just that my brain hasn’t slowed down in a while. i try to relax at night when caylin goes to bed (non stop playtime before that), but whenever i try and “relax” i find myself staring at the baby monitor out the corner of my eye every 6 seconds. i simply can’t relax when i’m home anymore. it’s been that way since she was born. and if i’m not taking care of her, i’m making dinner or cleaning or something. it’s not a bad thing by any means, because i love her to pieces and that’s just my job now. it just feels like there’s always something to be done. and my OCD has gotten so bad in the last 7-8 months that even if there isn’t something to be done, i will find something.

we meet with our lender on monday about the new house, and the design center on tuesday to pick out everything. i can’t believe that i’m actually excited about meeting with a lender because that just sounds incredibly boring, but the house won’t be ready until june. so. any little bit keeps me happy. i’m easily entertained. the day after the design center, i’m giving blood at work, and i’m even excited about that. i think i just like having one thing scheduled every day. no matter what it is. i got excited this morning because i had to go pick up deviled eggs for the potluck, and i was picking them up at publix, and publix is AWESOME. except i never go there because it’s not on my way home and is the farthest grocery from our place. i was thrilled. yes, about a grocery store. (i would ask what is wrong with me, but i’ve always been easily pleased, for the most part) and then i got there and picked up the eggs and saw all the other awesome food there and remembered (again) how great it is, and was super bummed because i was going to be even more late for work and had to leave.

i really need to get out more. my favorite food lately is ramen with cheese and texas pete, if that says anything. i made green bean casserole the other night and was so happy to have green bean casserole that i ate 3 helpings and ate the rest for lunch the next day. it’s the little things in life.

i don’t know where i’m going with all this, but after writing it all down, i have finally begun to relax. my blog has served its purpose. once again, thank you internets.