I'm Slacking

man, i feel like it’s been forever since i wrote anything. i have been completely out of wack lately.

between brett moving in, las vegas, work, freelance work… i have not given myself a break. i think traveling and jet lag and the stress of having another human (and a lot more STUFF) in my apartment has knocked something loose in my brain. my depression and anxiety and nerves have been through the roof this week. there has been significantly more crying in the last 4 days than in the last 5 months combined, which i am not happy about.

let me say, though, it is not at all because brett is living with me. that is something i am so unbelievably happy about. i love it. i love having him around all the time. i love coming home to hugs and i love not being alone anymore. it feels so much safer than being alone.

i think what’s really screwing me up is that the routine i had going is totally gone now. and until brett starts working (4 days! so exciting!), neither of us will really be getting into the swing of things. he’s been sitting at home all day bored out of his mind, and then when i come home from work, things are not how i left them when i left for work. which is totally fine. i just have to get used to it.

like… he makes the bed differently… so when i get home, i immediately re-make it. because otherwise i stare at it and start twitching. i just have to get used to it. i’ve never really had my own space and since may, this has been my apartment. which means i’m that much more neurotic about it. everything has its own place and i have certain procedures for doing certain things. like when i cook, i have to clean up the kitchen, the dishes, and the utensils i used to cook before i can sit down and eat. brett knows this because he’s seen me when i cook (cleaning and scrubbing as i go) and he’s seen me start to spaz when he cooks (dishes and things are strewn about the kitchen haphazardly). haha… ohh, i can’t imagine the look on my face when that happens. i just have to get used to it, and control my urges to jump up and grab the dish soap.

I AM NOT COMPLAINING by any means. i know how unbelievably lucky i am. i have a boyfriend who showers me with love and affection, cleans up after himself, makes my bed in the morning when he gets up, washes his dishes, does his laundry, helps take care of my animals, and i could go on and on. forever. not to mention, i have never enjoyed being with another person this much in my life. and whenever i get upset about something (whatever it may be)… he hugs me, holds me until i’m okay, and he listens. and then continues to shower me with love and affection.

i think the excess stress is me trying to get used to all of this. there is a significant increase in the amount of STUFF in my apartment and a significant decrease in the amount of space, and it’s going to take some adjustment on both our parts. mostly mine. he is not quite as quirky as i am when it comes to “routines” and he is better at going with the flow.

once i get my sleep back to normal, start eating better again (i’ve been skipping lunches lately and replaced them with chocolate), start running every day again (i haven’t been since las vegas), and he gets settled in at work, i think it will be smooth sailing.

after my short panic attacks and the tears are gone, and after dinner is over and we’re just relaxing on the couch, all i can think about is how happy i am. as long as this feeling stays, i am totally fine with having dirty dishes and a strangely made bed. i would not trade it for anything.