after having non-stop happiness and fun for the past few weeks, it has sadly come to a rotten halt. not just because adam went back to fort bragg, everyone needs their time to themselves and we spent the past 12-13 days together all 24 hours of them. i am just upset because for the first time in a long time i’m confused about what makes me happy. life has been amazing for so long and i love mine, no doubt about it. but next monday classes start back, and i’m worried.

i have always loved boone, but lately, thinking about going back, i’m scared. when i was packing up last august to finally leave for my freshman year of college, i was so excited to be living in a new place with a billion kids and parties and new experiences but now i kinda am feeling out of sorts. i don’t really want to go back to boone. even before christmas break as i was packing up getting ready to leave, i couldn’t help but think how nice it was to get out of there. it’s not the same as last year where there was a huge circle of friends that i constantly hung out with. this year it’s more like hmm, maybe i’ll go see this person or this person or go to this party or just stay home by myself. i would rather be with a bunch of the same people all the time rather than hopping around friend to friend because most of my friends are all scattered around boone. my group of friends, or my extended family, rather, lives here… in winston/king/lewisville/whatever it is, and over the break seeing everyone has been so refreshing, because i feel like i belong with these people.

at this point, the only things keeping me from saying fuck it all let’s get up and go somewhere and start out new are my job at tech. support and jill and ry~ry. there are lots of other friends i have in boone but ry~ry and jill are like lifelines to me. last year i had a lot of others, but let’s face it, over time you realize who your true friends are when they are there when you absolutely need them. that is something i value over everything. of course, there are other bigger things keeping me in boone–my lease, my degree from ASU (it could be from someplace else but i don’t know where i’d want to transfer), my dad (i’m pretty sure if he reads this i’ll be getting a speech about my future depending on my degree but for some reason i don’t seem to care about that right now).

basically, i know what makes me happy but everything that makes me happy is all scattered about in places where i don’t enjoy being like i used to. if that makes any sense. maybe this is all the female hormones from “that time of the month” screwing with my head. i mean, i have cried twice in the past 2 days and that’s twice more than i’ve cried in months (i think i was on a roll for a while there). maybe it’s the winter and seasonal depression setting in, because i know that’s a bitch and it has happened every year, never fails. maybe it’s because christmas is over. maybe it’s because i’ve done nothing productive in quite a few weeks and i have no motivation to do anything. there are just lots of thoughts jumbled up in my head. i would say i need to get more sleep but i’ve been sleeping ungodly amounts of hours since i’ve been home. adam and i didn’t crawl out of bed until 12 at the earliest all break except christmas morning and new years day… and i woke up at 1 this afternoon.

maybe if i sleep it off tonight, and wake up at a reasonable hour, i’ll feel better. and get up, and maybe go work out with my mom. that might help. cleaning my room usually helps a little, and so does seeing friends. i didn’t go out with friends today, and i didn’t clean, and i didn’t do much of anything except go to wal-mart by myself and shopping alone i have learned is one of the worst ideas i ever came up with. i think getting an apartment alone was a bad idea, too. it was great for a while and i still enjoy some of the perks but going back to an empty apartment in cold, cold boone where not everyone is back yet is not putting happy thoughts into my mind. maybe i should sublet over the summer and find another apartment to live in, or maybe i should just move home and work. who the hell knows.

i’m so freaking confused right now on what i want to do and i…. am seriously about to scream. i need something to knock me out until tomorrow morning, and make my brain stop going crazy.