Boundaries, Wedding, Just Thinking

i always think that i want to start doing that whole 365 blog project one-post-a-day thing, and then i completely forget about it until 2 weeks later. i guess it’s just not in the cards.

i know i tweet the most random and nonsensical crap sometimes, post pictures of my food (i like to remember details, and i like pictures, i don’t know), and write random entries here and there, but none of it is really personal.

i guess i really am a private person when it gets down to the nitty gritty. that’s just weird because it seems like every other aspect of my life is publicized online.

i don’t talk to my friends about my private life. or my parents, really. mostly just brett. because that’s how i kind of feel like it should be–private.

i’ve never talked to anyone about my sex life. ever. i will never understand people that do.

i’ve never talked to anyone about my relationships, really. not that i can think of. like… what good does that do? i don’t know, it seems pointless. and most of the time it just instigates even worse thoughts. well, other than the basics like “we’re doing good” or “we’re going Here today” or “we did This last weekend”.

and when i started writing this i was thinking, maybe i should write about these things? maybe i’m supposed to talk about stuff like that? like other normal people do? it seems like everyone talks about their relationships, sex, men, babies, like it’s supposed to be public knowledge. and i feel like sometimes i’m one of the few people who doesn’t.

even brett talks to his parents about “us” more than i talk to mine, or anyone, about “us”. i just don’t… talk that much? is that it? i don’t even really know how to pinpoint it.

i feel like (mostly) women talk about this kind of thing all the time. sex. men. how men suck so much. and this is not one of those entries like “i am not a normal female and don’t want to talk about girly bullshit”. i mean, it just doesn’t come up. i try and recall a time in my life where i’ve had one of those conversations with friends or family, and it just hasn’t happened. and i’m wondering if that means i’m socially weird somehow or what?

what the fuck does it mean? should i on some subconscious level hate the entire male population and think they’re inherently bad people? haha, i mean, that’s what it seems like sometimes.

maybe i’ve been watching too much TBS or overhearing too many conversations elsewhere.

it just seems like… i should be bitching about brett when i’m not around him. or talking about SOMETHING like that. except for the fact that i have zero to bitch about, ever, even when we get in fights. usually it’s my fault anyway (i am a highly stubborn individual, and also hormonal), or there is alcohol involved. today he cleaned like the whole fucking house when i was outside tanning in the bed of my truck. who does that?

i am so… ridiculously blessed to have this man in my life. just saying it doesn’t cut it.

dude, and THE WEDDING.

my god, i completely forgot this entire aspect of it.

ever since brett and i got engaged, everyone keeps asking when are you getting married? have you set a date? did you pick out a dress? what are you planning? what food are you going to serve? where is it going to be? i mean, my god! we’ve been engaged less than 2 months! all we have figured out is that we are thinking about next fall. most likely.

and the usual response is YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE THIS FIGURED OUT ALREADY or ‘my wife had it all planned within days!’ or ‘oh my god! why haven’t you started planning!’ and … just … no! give me a break! why is there this rush? so much pressure? why is it always ME also? shouldn’t it be a joint effort? shouldn’t it be fun? why does wedding planning have to be a chore? i don’t want it to be. i don’t want him to feel that way, either.

don’t get me wrong, i’m completely, totally excited about it. i am… so happy. about everything. but i’m also happy to be engaged.

i am happy to be engaged.

we were already living together. we’ve been living together for over a year. this is another step. a big step, yes. but it’s another step. and it’s okay if we stay here a while. neither of us is in a rush, and i think that’s how it should be. why rush it? you know? enjoy each other’s company. let me stare at my new ring for a while.

if we could have it our way (i say we because we’ve already had this conversation), we would probably run off during defcon and get married, go get drunk together, play roulette for a few hours, go out and dance our asses off, go back to the hotel, order room service, throw on some sweatpants, and call it a night. (i left out the “have sex” bit because i don’t want to make my parents uncomfortable.) (but most likely a lot of sex would be had.) (forget the uncomfortable bit.)

quit making weddings so damn stressful. i know it’s supposed to be religious and bring the family together and all that, too. i get it. i do. i’m not a very religious person (shocker!), but i do understand it. i do believe in god. i do think that you technically should be married in a church and everything, yes. but i think people get too worked up over it, also. and sometimes that takes all the fun out of it (not the part about church, the part about all the stress and a million details).

it also makes more room for stupid fights and more stress and crap like that. do you know what stress does to a woman? it makes her get her period twice in one month. let me tell you… that is not a fun month. for anyone. it also causes breakouts. stress makes breakouts worse. breakouts make stress worse. breakouts and two menstrual periods make your sex drive plummet and no sex appeal and basically no sex. no sex means UNHAPPY for everyone involved and… it is a terrible death spiral. why do these things have to happen?

just… relax. right? at least, that’s how i want it to be. i don’t want a huge, overly expensive wedding. i want good friends, our families, beer, cake (uhm, chocolate), a dress (hopefully with sparkles, can’t not have sparkles), a wedding band, and him standing at the end of the aisle looking at me with that smile i know oh-so-well.

i want to be with him, and at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters, i think.

i’ve had like 3 or 4 beers and i think that’s where the bulk of this crap is spewing from. it’s also past midnight. it’s built up over a few weeks and i think it’s finally overflowing. ugh.