Always Slightly Disheveled

i feel like this is a permanent state for me. anyone else have that feeling? i know that it’s one of those “acceptable” things, being a new mom, and all. but this state FAR predates even being pregnant with caylin. it’s basically been my whole life.

brett and i took caylin out to lunch today with my mom, grandpa, uncle, and cousin. just a casual lunch at a new little italian place in summerville–nothing fancy.

we walked in and sat down. it was a seat yourself place, order at the counter. so i sat with caylin and fed her crackers while brett went up to put our orders in.

i love people watching, but i feel like half the time it’s to my own detriment. probably more than half the time. especially living in charleston. everyone always says you shouldn’t compare yourself to others. i have been pretty good about this lately, but having this much time off of work during the holidays allows my mind to wander a lot more than it should.

there was a group of girls in there, probably around my age. pretty, tall-ish, perfectly in shape, nice skin, nice nails, PERFECT hair, gorgeous boots, stylish leggings and leg warmers, cute blouses (obviously expensive), matching/coordinated classy jewelry, fancy name brand purses–the whole 9 yards, basically. plus, they were ever so graceful. polite. poised. feminine. not fidgeting. calm. relaxed. just standing in line.

don’t get me wrong. i don’t want to be exactly that, because that clearly isn’t me. and i enjoy being different, in many ways.

i don’t care about expensive clothes. i buy a new purse like once a year, or even 2 years, and i carry it until it’s practically falling apart. i have a few pairs of boots that i treat the same way.

when my nails are actually long and looking nice and i’ve taken the time to paint them, it lasts for about a week, if that. and then brett and i will watch a movie or get into a series, where i get so anxious (thank you sons of anarchy and homeland) that i just tear them all to pieces and i’m back to square one.

i don’t get regular haircuts/trims, so i have split ends constantly. and then when it gets to be a pain in the ass (like this week where it is just beyond unmanageable), i take a pair of scissors and cut off a couple inches myself. i figure it saves me $40-60, and my hair becomes a bit less unruly. i think i’ve gotten my hair done 3 times since i’ve lived in charleston (5 years in may). my nails, even fewer.

but it never looks like what i saw today. my skin will never be flawless. i will always be yanking at my earrings or pulling my necklace or biting my nails or flailing my hair around because i can’t sit still. i will always be awkwardly hiding some portion of my face because i’m mad at it that particular day. i will always be checking my teeth/face in the reflection of my phone to check for rogue food shrapnel, and i will always be sweating to some degree when i’m around any number of people greater than 1, unless it’s family. tugging and readjusting clothing. something.

my outfit will always be a little different because i can’t seem to pull it all together, unless it came together that way and someone figured it out for me. my shoes will always be a little bit scuffed, and my nail polish will always be slightly fucked up less than 10 minutes after letting it set.

and i will probably carry a hoodie with me for the rest of my life, even when it’s 80 degrees outside, because it has become my comfort blanket. and i need it. i don’t even think i’m capable of coding without one.

i suppose at some point i have to accept the fact that this isn’t a “state”, and that it’s just the way i am.

i suppose at some point i need to realize that having my shit together, if it isn’t computer related, is just not gonna happen.