Ughhhhh…

i don’t get it. every time adam comes home i get like this. i get so excited about him being home and being able to go spend time with him and i consequently stop thinking about every single other thing going on in my life. i have to force myself to stay focused (i have to do that normally but more so now) and i have a really hard time keeping my mind on anything other than him. i don’t think about school (except for due dates and exams and things vital to my grades) and i don’t think about work and i don’t think about clubs and i don’t think about anything other than the next time i get to leave boone, drive to fort bragg, and get whatever fix it is that has my mind in knots. i hate it because it’s like there are 2 of me. one that is normally, dorky, giddy me when i’m around him and the other is far from normal when i’m in boone sulking because i’d rather be elsewhere.

it sucks because i neglect everything and it’s not intentional and it isn’t what i want or should be doing. it just happens that way. there’s an AITP meeting tonight and gaming club and ALUG meetings tomorrow night that usually i’d be stoked about… instead i’m dragging my feet thinking that i really do not want to go at all.

i think part of my problem is that i feel like things are kind of in the air for us. adam leaves for italy in june which is 7 months away… one would think that’s in the distant future and i’d be crazy to be thinking about it all right now. and it’s true. i shouldn’t be thinking about it. i should be happy that he’s safe at home and that i can go see him on the weekends. instead, on the drive home last night, i spent the entire 3 hours thinking about everything bad that could come out of that situation.

after being together for this long, it’s not stupid to assume that adam and i have spoken about engagement. i’ll be done with school in less than a year and a half and he’ll still be in italy. when we went to the pawn shop this weekend, the guy at the counter was trying to sell adam a pistol and these were his words–“you know you get when he gets this gun, right? diamonds. that’s how it works. he gets a gun and you get diamonds” and that instantly pissed me off because 1) don’t say things like that to complete strangers. for all he knows we could’ve been dating for a week. 2) who the hell says that, anyway? way to put your foot in your mouth, dude. that was an awkward 10 seconds. but it got me thinking about it and i’d tried to put that in the back of my mind for a long time now. i figure when the time is right, it will happen. only thing is, i pretty much fell in love with this guy the day i met him and i’ve known for the better part of the 2 years we’ve been together that he’s who i want to spend the rest of my life with. maybe i’m weird or just a girl or more spontaneous, i don’t know. i just wish i could read his mind sometimes. i’m not the most patient person in the world, but i did wait 16 months for him to come home from iraq. that should say something about my level of commitment.

for the record, this is not me complaining at all–merely venting. i am happy and in love and get the butterflies every time i see his face or hear his voice. that hasn’t changed a bit. i’m just thinking too much again as always and am eager to see what’s in store for us.

tuesday is our 2-year anniversary. i really want it to be awesome but neither of us have much of an idea of what to do. we talked about it yesterday and he said he’d come up with something, so i have no idea what he’s thought of. avenged sevenfold is playing in charlotte that night which would be a hell of a good time but that’s a pretty hefty drive when he has to go to PT at 5:30 the next morning. still a possibility, but it would probably suck for him the next day. i know he really wants to see them. i keep trying to think of ideas that aren’t the usual cliche anniversary type things but it might be nice to do something like that, too. we didn’t get to celebrate our 1-year anniversary because he came home from iraq about 2 weeks after it and by then we were already on christmas so the range of possibilities is wide open. we’ve never really done the mushy, romantic type deal. neither of us are really very “romantic” but he definitely has his moments where i’m like “my god” and he completely wins me over again. as for me, that kind of goes without saying. this post speaks for itself. i just want a night where both of us get to do something we enjoy without the rest of the guys around talking about strip clubs, booze, and “bitches”.

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