Something I'd Change

if i were able to change one thing about myself (there are more than a handful of things i’d like to put on that list, but let’s be realistic here), it would be jealousy. hands down.

i’ve noticed it more and more over the last few years than i ever noticed it before. maybe because there are so many more things going on in my life now to compare to other people than there were a few years ago. i don’t really know what it is, to tell you the truth. but insecurity and jealousy are not a good combination. i think jealousy accounts for 75% of the breakouts i get on my face. and sleep deprivation. and nervousness. it’s not healthy, and i’m sure it’s already taken years off my life. i can’t stand it.

the insecurity thing has improved SO much over the past year, however. it is mind blowing how much a steady income and a career you enjoy change the way you feel about yourself. with that said, i still have my ups and downs. plenty of them.

living in charleston, there are a lot of pretty girls. that’s a fact. they are everywhere. that’s what happens when you live at the beach, i suppose. or maybe it’s just charleston in particular. i don’t really know because it’s the only beach i’ve ever lived near–i’m just going on things i’ve heard. nevertheless, there are a lot of them. it wasn’t as noticeable until brett moved down here. i find myself eyeballing them all, like, “wow, i hope he doesn’t scoop up one of them instead.” this makes me nauseous from time to time. okay, not really nauseous. but it makes me nervous. why? i have no idea. it shouldn’t, because that’s completely superficial and stupid. especially with a relationship like ours. perhaps it’s a girl thing, perhaps i’m just an idiot. funny thing is, he’s one huge reason i feel so much better about myself, and about life in general.

still, i get jealous over the dumbest things. people with perfect skin. perfect nails. perfect legs. a perfect ass. boatloads of money (there is such a thing as too much, though, i think). oh, and people who are good at EVERYTHING athletic they ever attempt to do. that drives me insane. i was good at one thing when i was younger–gymnastics. so i guess yoga and pilates can be grouped with that, because those are in the same realm. kind of. i’m good at those. but if you stick me in any type of team sport? i will freak out. i mean… freak… out…. seriously. i tried to play intramural dodge ball last year (yes, DODGE BALL), and nearly had a panic attack. i only played one game. we lost. i blamed myself for like a month afterwards. if you put me in any kind of sport that involves a ball, or a bat or, god forbid, a team mate, you might as well replace me with a rock. or maybe an ostrich. my brains turn to jello, and my body will try to do anything except what i tell it to do.

i rarely say or do anything about it, because i read somewhere that you should never compare yourself to someone else, and i eventually force myself to snap out of it. i’ve gotten a lot better at that. i realize that i’m a nerd, and being in front of a computer screen or on the floor playing with cables is just my comfort zone. i’m not supposed to be anything else, which is why i do what i do. it’s why i’ll always have to go to a tanning bed before going to the beach, and it is probably why i’ll never have nice fingernails.

anyone else go through waves of it, like that? like… you see someone and you’re like, wow, that must be nice, and actually talk yourself through it in your head? i can’t be the only one. i know things could always be worse. looking at the big picture, things are pretty damn good right now. this is just one of those feelings i can never escape, and i was wondering if anyone else ever felt the same way.