self-consciousness setting in

so… after talking to adam today, it made me realize just how close july is. 2 months will fly by. i started thinking about this, and i made myself so paranoid about how i’m going to look when he gets back. i lost a ton of weight last summer but college has that ability to put it back on due to beer, parties, laziness, etc. i started looking online at what i should do. i know the only thing to do really is exercise a lot… i have a phobia of being in a gym when there’s ANYONE else in there. at all. i hate it and it makes me freak out to no end. the good thing about this apartment complex is the gym is tiny and there’s rarely a lot of people in it. i’ve only been in it 3 times… one of those times, i walked in, saw some guy lifting, and immediately ran out. the gym is the size of my living room so he’d be able to hear me heaving and breathing and having asthma attacks the whole time and that’s just awkward. in order to stay the same weight i am now, i have to maintain a 1,500 calorie diet. i threw out everything in the fridge that wasn’t water… and i’m about to toss out all the tater chips that aren’t mine. no chocolate… and i hate to say it, but no mexican. i love it, but it’s horrible for me. i’m going to work on making myself go to the gym… that’s going to take some time. what would be AWESOME would be if i had an exercise bike. i was talking about this earlier online with someone and we came to the conclusion that if we had an exercise bike in front of our computer, we’d either be super itty bitty or dead… one or the other. as much time as i spend in front of this thing, it probably wouldn’t be a half-bad idea.

so whoever reads this, for my birthday, i want an exercise bike. maybe, if i don’t blow my $ in scandinavia, i’ll have money to buy one when i get home. for now, i either suck it up and go to the gym and try to pretend like nobody can see me, or i jump rope in the living room and try not to break shit.