today was pretty rough.

today was a stark reminder that i've been the single point of failure in too many places for too long. not just work, but in my own life.

we've been taking steps to alleviate that at work, but today the internet went down hard. for half the day. fiber line cut. and i already live in basically a dead zone in my neighborhood. so hotspot is mostly worthless. except if i put it in a certain corner of 1 window in my room and don't touch it. and then it kind of works. if i don't use anything else that takes up bandwidth. or until verizon is too saturated for even that to cooperate.

no internet? no netflix.
no internet? no plex.
no internet? no amazon prime.
no internet? no spotify.

no internet? no work.

it was rainy for more than half of the day, i'm working from home with the kids, and once we ran out of slime to make, things to color, toys to build/throw/destroy, nails to paint, and injuries to bandaid, they were stir crazy. we ate lunch, and i took them for a drive to run some errands.

got home, and it all went downhill from there.

work picked up in the worst way right as we were getting home from picking up caylin from gymnastics, i hadn't made dinner yet, kids were whiny and wound up from 1) hangry, and 2) napping in the car. huge thunderstorm hit, power went out in addition to the internet. perfect storm, literally and figuratively.

i was trying to tether and work and explain parts of work i couldn't get done to others via a shitty connection, could barely make a phone call, while the kids were raging in the other room. the twins aren't supposed to go in big sister's room because it ends in turmoil every time. and she let them in. and it did. crying because someone hit someone else, screaming because someone had someone else's toy, someone else broke something in caylin's room. banging on my door because they had to use the other potty because sissy was in theirs.

my head was imploding. i was wrecked in tears of sheer frustration.

i ended up running back and forth between the kitchen and my room trying to juggle getting dinner ready and working if/when the connection decided to stay up.

i. was. crumbling. because i couldn't deliver in 7 different directions simultaneously and i felt like a complete failure on every front.

i can't keep doing this to myself.

i sat with rapeh after the twins went to bed. caylin meditated with me. we talked a little bit, but mostly we sat and i held her hand and we just breathed and listened to the lizards and frogs outside.

i took her upstairs and got her to bed, came back downstairs, and the internet was magically working again. just in time for everything to be done.

the universe has a funny way of teaching us lessons.

today unfolded in all the mayhem to make me realize that every time i feel like a single point of failure, it's showing me room for improvement. in all places.

room for improvement in my actions, my reactions. in my work. in my home. everywhere.

there is always progress to be made.

my girls still hugged me until i couldn't breathe tonight.

tomorrow is a new day <3