Months of Silence

i hadn’t realized it until recently, but for the last 2 months or so, i’ve driven in almost pure silence. to work, from work, even when i drove to north carolina. that was 4 and a half hours of straight silence. i can’t think of the last time that happened.

usually i listen to either country, oldies rock, or various types of metal. it just depends on my mood. and for the 10 years that i’ve been driving, the radio or my phone has always been blaring something. and whether rain or shine, winter or summer, the window is down.

recently? i can’t find anything that fits my mood or what i’m feeling. the window has almost always been up. it is not me at all. i feel beside myself. like i’m hovering over my own shoulder going, “what the hell is WRONG with you?”. it’s just weird. i feel like i don’t know myself at all right now. and that’s aside from the fact that i still can’t come to terms with looking pregnant. i’ve never felt this ugly or unfeminine, and it’s pretty much the most feminine thing a person can go through.

evidently, this pregnancy has my head someplace it’s never been before. which is understandable, but a little unsettling that i can’t even find music to help me unwind. and it’s not like i’m constantly thinking about the pregnancy. it’s closer to the opposite, really. maybe it’s just like a mental state of shock.

i don’t really feel stressed about anything. financially, everything is in order. i’ve gone over every checklist imaginable except for the suitcase i’m supposed to pack. i have bought close to everything we need for right now (the list is dwindling, at least). i’m still stuck on the part where i have to actually have this baby come OUT of me in the first place, which has me terrified. that and the constant discomfort.

it’s been about 50 times worse the last couple weeks. sleeping is no longer something i look forward to, because it just plain hurts. restless leg syndrome has been fixed with my new little elliptical, and my body pillow allows me to get in a “comfortable” position. but regardless of position, my ribs and skin just stay on fire. and it’s gotten that much harder just to move around. just getting in and out of the car, in and out of bed, off the couch, and especially cleaning the house. after cleaning the house, i feel like i just spent an hour at the gym. kind of nice, but makes me feel kind of pathetic at the same time. i am stubborn, and very much independent minded, and i don’t like being given limitations. even when it’s my own body putting those limitations on me. i think that makes it even worse, actually. like today, i tried to squat down to scrub the kitchen floor, and i couldn’t squat. and it made me want to punch the fridge.

one up-side to this pregnancy is that my team surprised me with a baby shower/going away lunch today. they were sneaky and arranged a ‘team lunch’, and when we showed up there were balloons, presents, and these awesome cupcakes waiting for me at the restaurant. i love my job and the people i work with. i could not ask for a more awesome and supportive group of people. i consider myself pretty lucky to be able to say that.

in loki’s news, the new meds she’s been on the last month and a half aren’t working. they’re keeping it from spreading, which is fantastic, but it’s not getting rid of the tumor either. and it’s putting her liver count through the roof. so it looks like she’s just going to alternate between this medication and a new one every month, coupled with prednisone so it doesn’t swell. the upside is that all 3 of those medications combined are far less than half of what the palladia cost, so it’s doable.

on another unfortunate note, loki either has fleas, had fleas, or just got bit by a few and has a flea allergy. which, in and of itself isn’t terrible, compared to the tumor drama, but let me explain.

last week, i took her to get her heartworm test and more pills, and i opted to get the pills with the flea medication included because i noticed she had been scratching an awful lot. especially her ears and hind legs. she was due for more flea stuff anyway. basically, the flea stuff isn’t really doing anything, or the bites are just bugging the shit out of her. i came home from work today and she had scratched/chewed a small bald spot into her back leg (no biggie), AND she had scratched her ear/neck where the tumor is until she rubbed the skin off/scratched open the scar and it was bleeding quite a bit (this is a biggie).

i had already put my pajamas on and had dinner in the oven when i noticed it. not really a big deal since we live across the street from the vet, but it also means that i went to the vet in my pajamas. christmas pajamas. lovely. they told me to give her benadryl, and gave me a cone for her to wear until the cut heals up enough. and now not only is loki pissed at me for the evening, but thor is terrified of the cone and won’t come out of hiding. i can’t win here.

awesome surprise lunch, and then loki is back at the vet. i feel like seinfeld. “see, things always even out for me.