Hermit-Like Tendencies

my team is going to the hibachi hut for lunch today. i didn’t know about it until about 20 minutes ago. they invited me and i said, no, thank you, i already brought my lunch. i spent an arm and a leg on christmas, vegas is a week away, and i told myself this weekend that i’m not going out to eat for the entire week. i’m sticking to it.

on top of trying to be good about spending, i just don’t feel like going out lately. christmas break was fine because i hadn’t seen my friends in a long time, brett was there, i was in my comfort zone, but i still had some minor anxiety attacks and my face broke out.

saturday afternoon, it honestly took me 20 minutes to decide whether or not i wanted to go to best buy or see a movie or if i just wanted to sit on the couch in silence. all i could think about was how crowded best buy would be, what shirt i needed to wear so you couldn’t see me slowly becoming drenched in sweat from nervousness (stores like that drain me, mentally and physically), and how the movie would be so long that by the time we got out of it, i wouldn’t have time to get my head in the right mood to go out with our friends later.

i guess it just depends on the situation.

anyway, they asked me to go to lunch today, and all i could think about was how i wanted to sit in my little corner of the lab and eat my chili by myself. in a perfect world, i’d still be wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, but jeans and a sweater will have to do. damn dress code. i got called antisocial.

i guess i am, sometimes. i have to mentally get myself ready when i want to go out, which, a lot of times, is easy to do. usually, all i have to do to get myself ready is wash my face, put on something comfortable, and i’m like–whitney, you’re good to go. otherwise, i become silent. and awkward. not intentionally, but because i’m so busy trying to take in everything around me without freaking out. it’s just 10 times harder in the winter.

but that’s all i feel like doing a lot of times. i prefer not to be around more than a couple people. i prefer to be a homebody. my routine lately has been wake up, shower, go to work, come home, clean, go to the tanning bed, go to the gym, cook dinner, work some more, and go to bed. deviating outside that routine will, more than likely, cause me to stress, unless i’m prepared for it.

i learned more about myself in the last 18 months than i did throughout all of college, and finally, i’m at the point where i know what situations will set me up for a panic attack, cause me to sweat out half my body weight, or just leave me uncomfortable. period.

today is definitely a stay-inside-and-avoid-humans day.