[edit] new installment(s) at fedora.short-stack.net… any help/feedback GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!11! halp :eek: [/edit]
i have an appointment in 4 days with my ob-gyn to talk about using another birth control. i think this will be the 3rd time i’ve switched in a year, possibly more. i lost count. i’m nervous–not so much about the appointment but about the possibility of putting myself on another form of birth control that might screw me up or leave me as i am now which is, well, screwed up. i guess i don’t have a lot to lose in that case.
besides the fact that my hormones have been on a rollercoaster (given that there are several other factors in my life that have the ability to influence that as well), my body has seriously taken a toll. my face breaks out a lot more often and i’ve had other physical reactions (which i strongly hope and pray are as a result of my current birth control) that have caused me to be a nervous wreck over the past month, so much so that i had adam drive us to wal-greens at 10 PM to buy a self-pregnancy test about a week ago. i was that distraught over it.
this is the kind of crap i’d really like to not deal with. my depression and anxiety are not fully under control. that was, again, made clear to me today when i freaked out for no apparent reason. adam asked what was wrong and all i could do was attempt to keep from crying and looked at him in desperation hoping he would know what to do when i really didn’t. he then dropped all his things and held me and after a few minutes, i was ok again. as soon as he left to drop some gear off at a friend’s, i fell to the floor crying. it had nothing to do with him leaving to do that. i don’t really know why.
and then it hit me like a sack of bricks. my period started yesterday, i had not eaten anything all day except a ferrero rocher (it was 6:15 PM), and i hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep in a few nights (annoying puppies + no bed at adam’s apartment yet + hard floor). i wish i would think of these factors before i explode. maybe it takes practice. you would think by the time i’m 21/almost 22 i would have this kind of crap figured out about myself but it keeps fucking changing. by the time i figure it out, i’ve already destroyed myself worrying over anything and everything, cried myself to sleep a few times, and collapsed in a heap of zero motivation and emptiness.
another thing, don’t fuck with linux when you’re PMSing. it is UGLY!!!!1