A New Day

today was another day of chaos, and here i am at the end of the day, reflecting on what i could've or should've done differently.

embrace the chaos
keep showing up
just show them love
you are enough

this has been repeating in my head since i sat down to meditate tonight.

i sat with rapeh and listened to the music and the tears were flowing.

these girls are my everything, but some days are just plain hard.

we made waffles for breakfast and they played while i worked and big sister played roblox.
my mom came over to see the girls and take big sister to her house for a sleepover
we went to lunch.
we went on a run and watched for all the animals.
we played in the sprinkler until the thunderstorm rolled in.
we had cereal and fruit for dinner and cheesecake for dessert.
we had a bubble bath and a hot shower.
we watched movies in bed, one twin under each arm, until the tickle fights broke out.

it's so amazing in the calm and the goofy and the cuddles and when everyone gets along.

but what no one else sees are the twin fights and tantrums throughout the day, every object starts a fight and every possession has the power to turn them against one another.

it's a constant battle between my patience and having to be stern mommy and just wanting to play and have fun with them.

a lot of days end in guilt because of all the timeouts, or things we didn't get to do because one of them was mean to the other.

it weighs heavy on me all the time, and i keep repeating the above lines to myself in a futile attempt to reassure myself that tomorrow is a new day, and that they know i love them, and that i'm doing everything i can.

they showered me with love before bedtime tonight, so i should rest easy knowing those little bundles of joy are full of love and life.

i am still learning to show myself grace, and i am still learning to embrace the chaos, which seems to uptick by the hour sometimes, the older they get.

i know these days are only gonna be the blink of an eye soon.

i just hope that they see how hard i'm trying to be everything i can be for them.

in these reflections, i realize how much more i have to learn.

i will keep showing up for me, so i can keep showing up for them. 🤍