it’s starting to get really annoying not having my car. it wouldn’t be quite as annoying if they had told me it would take a week or so instead of 4 days. it’s been 8 now and they haven’t called with any updates or anything. i have a job and i would like to get back to having a life rather than being confined to this apartment all day with the exception of when adam and i go out. it is a royal pain in the ass.

i’m in a really bitter mood tonight and i’m not sure why. i was in a great mood earlier but something just kind of snapped and now i’m all pissy. maybe it’s a girl thing, who knows. maybe i just need to let dinner settle and quit thinking about things.

i’ve had a whole swarm of thoughts in my head the past week and a half or so… worrying about adam leaving, worried about what it’ll be like living at home again, worried about school, worried about work, worried about meeting adam’s mom for the first time on the 16th when she comes to visit, worried about going to massachusetts in july, worried about turning 20, worried about everything under the sun. i think i have my mom and grandma to thank for this but i don’t think i’ve ever NOT been worrying about something for my entire life. except maybe last summer when i just said screw everything and i didn’t give a shit about a single thing in the world except making sure i got to work on time whether or not i was hungover. i can never relax and it seems as though i’m always thinking about at least one thing that bothers me and it could be the tiniest thing that shouldn’t matter at all but it will bother me until the next thing comes along. mix that with a bad mood and you have the perfect recipe to give whitney an anxiety attack or a weird sequence of breakdowns.

i do need to start working out regularly and getting my mind into focus and i need to start eating better than i do. some days i’ll eat almost nothing and other days adam and i will go out to eat twice even. generally when we eat at home it’s pretty healthy but when he’s not home like on his guard duty and it’s just me, i don’t bother making meals. i just eat bagels or tuna or chef boyardee and then there’s chocolate. that’s just not good for me. i get plenty of sleep, but sometimes i think too much could be detrimental also. it’s just hard to get into a routine when my work schedule isn’t definite in any way at all and adam and i are always awake at weird hours since he gets out of work at different times, sometimes not until the next morning. and then the dog who creates one hell of an obstacle when it comes to sleeping comfortably because the ONLY way she’ll sleep is if it’s in bed with us or within a 5 foot radius of wherever one of us happens to be sleeping. and that’s not until after she’s chewed on every bit of skin showing and made one or both of us bleed a few times.

sometimes i wonder if a nice trip to a spa for a few hours/days/weeks would work wonders for me, or if i just need to do what i did last summer and spend 10 days at the beach with not a care in the world. of course that’s not possible because for the next 5-6 months, all that i’ll really be thinking about aside from the usual daily grind is whether or not he’s safe over in iraq and what’s to come after he gets home.

maybe i’m just full of shit, but i needed to vent and it’s better to do it here than taking it out on the dog.