Today I Learned That…

  1. flasks can be used as make-shift hammers
  2. don’t always trust the “defrost” setting on microwaves
  3. adam’s water pipes are crossed… “cold” now means “scalding”
  4. do not wear cut-off shorts to any Cumberland county Wal-Mart when not accompanied by another male
  5. don’t accept business cards from old men no matter how many times they call you pretty

after moving most of adam’s belongings into his new apartment yesterday, we sat down to finally relax and eat our beef stroganoff hamburger helper and watch no country for old men when i got a phone call from curtis saying adam had CQ 24-hour duty today. he was significantly more irritated than i was, which he should’ve been, so he had to get up bright and early to go to work this morning. i, on the other hand, slept in until 1:30 this afternoon… :wink:

when crappy things get sprung on him like this, i can’t help but feel bad. if i had been in his situation, i think i would’ve handled it far worse than he did. i brought him lunch this afternoon and then began my trek around fayetteville to gather all the little things i needed for my “project” which was simply to frame a bunch of pictures of us and put them around the apartment. this got a lot more complicated than it should have, being such a simple project and all.

i went to wal-mart and as soon as i stepped out of my car, the sky opened up and i got drenched. so that was fun. i’m glad today was one of those days i remembered to close my sunroof. anyway, i went inside and printed out 12 really cute photos of us and blew up the picture of us in front of st. paul’s cathedral in london to put in an 8″x10″ frame (it turned out so nice!!). while i was waiting in line for my pictures to print, i had 2 little shithead soldiers behind me who don’t know how to whisper so i had to hear every grimy comment they had to say about me. refer to #4. when my pictures were done printing, i went to look for some frames. i leaned over to pick up one of the big collage picture frames and stood back up only to notice an elderly man standing not more than 6″ from my behind who proceeded to tell me the following…

him: darlin’, it’s not legal to be as pretty as you are. how old are you?
me: 21…
him: really?? are you from here?
me: no, i came here from boone
him: ohh… well how long are you going to be around?
me: only another day or so
him: well, you really should stay longer. i could help you get into a really good line of work… /man hands me business card
me: *face is turning redder by the millisecond* no thank you, sir. i’ll be leaving soon.
him: please, keep that card… and i hope to see you around
me: *face is the redder than a fire truck*

i’ve had that happen one or two other times in my life, but none were nearly as awkward as the encounter i had this afternoon. by the time he was done talking, there were a bunch of soldiers at either end of the aisle watching this seriously weird situation and laughing. i would’ve been laughing if i wasn’t trying to keep myself from throwing up. i looked at the card and all it said was, “the source, ‘for anything over legal'” …what…the…??? he either wants me to A) work for his law firm or B) become a hooker. i found myself very troubled when trying to decipher his proposition.

i got my frames, found some nails, and went to check out. go figure, the check-out line i went to had a broken card reader. i wrote a check since i didn’t have any cash on me and just my luck… the machine ate my check. i was in the “10 items or less speedy check-out” line and it was not speedy, and even though i was the only person abiding by the 10 items or less rule, everyone behind me got irritated when it wasn’t my fault that the stupid machine ate my check. the cashier mashed the help button on the wall and this little old woman started hobbling down the aisle, and 10 minutes later she got to the register. she took apart the entire machine, found my check, put it back together, and we were in business. i looked out the window and it seemed that the rain had stopped. the cashier bagged my frames, gave me all my things, and i walked to the door. you know how they have little old ladies stand at the exit and check your receipts? well this one had more make-up on than michael jackson and eyebrows that looked like they were drawn on with a tube of lipstick. i only bought 4 things and i’d already paid for the pictures, but it took her ages to finally agree that i wasn’t trying to steal any large, bulky picture frames and smuggle them out the door. i walk through the door and yes, it started pouring again. i started running. i had shiny, pretty photos that i was not going to let the rain ruin. i was hauling ass. of course, i forgot which side i parked my car on so i hauled ass in the wrong direction. i stopped to look around for my car and before i could start running again, another creepy old man walked up to me and said, “you made it rain, didn’t you honey?” the only thing i could think of besides being more soaked by the second was that stupid “make it rain” song. also, i was trying to figure out the chances of getting the heebie jeebies from 2 creepy old men in the same half-hour time span. refer to #4 and #5.

i had everything i needed except for a hammer. i completely forgot about it in wal-mart so i stopped at rite-aid on the way back to the apartment. evidently, drug stores don’t sell those. i bought a bag of peanut butter m&ms instead because it seemed like a fair trade. i got back to the apartment and put all the pictures in and found perfect places to hang the frames. refer to #1. it is still a pretty empty apartment, but it has a nice touch to it now. :smile:

it was getting late by the time i finished my “project” so i started making dinner. surprise… cheesy enchilada hamburger helper! i forgot to take the meat out of the freezer to thaw before i went to wal-mart so my options for making this work were limited. i stuck it in the microwave and put it on “defrost” and that was unsuccessful because it basically cooked the outer 1″ layer of ground beef and left a frozen core. i left the frozen part and used the rest and now the frozen part is in a ziploc bag in the freezer and if anyone has ever watched the 1st season of Dexter, that’s what it reminds me of in our freezer right now. it looked a lot grosser than it tasted. it actually turned out pretty damn good once it was finished… and that’s why i love hamburger helper!! :lol:

i made up a nice dinner and brought it to the company and hung out with adam for an hour or so. when i left, i stopped at rite-aid again because i remembered another picture i wanted to print. fayetteville was in the middle of another downpour so i pulled into a parking spot up front and yelled out the window at the girl standing next to the door and asked if it was open. she must have thought i said “closed” instead of “open” because i got out (was drenched within seconds, literally) and went up to the door and she said, “girl, this place is closed!” what the hell is it with this town? so i got back in the car and went to the apartment only to realize adam’s keys had fallen off my keyring somehow between the company and the apartment. i looked around on the ground near my car, asked adam to look around the building where my car was, and ended up driving back to rite-aid only to find the keys on the ground next to the girl who was so helpful earlier. THEY FELL NEXT TO YOU AND YOU COULDN’T FIND THE DECENCY TO TELL ME I DROPPED THEM? if i wasn’t so tiny i might have punched her. she looked like she could kill me and this isn’t the safest town in the world. with my luck today, she probably had a gun.

now i am home and dry and warm and i have my peanut butter m&ms and my laptop and my pajamas. i’m going to find a movie in one of these tons of boxes and snuggle up until my baby comes home… at 8:30 in the damn morning.

3 Comments

  • sharon says:

    OMG, that old man sounds so sleazy!

  • Mom says:

    You’re killing me Whitney!!!!!!!!! How many times have I told you not to talk to strangers!! ESPECIALLY OLD MEN, OMG. Walk away – you can always go back later and next time wear sweats and and an over-size hoodie.

  • ed says:

    oh man, damn creepy old men, every time i see one doing things like that i can’t help but wonder what makes them think it’s acceptable, but at the same time i applaud their all out “who cares” attitude.
    and as for the other guys, you’d think if you cant whisper and have no clue about what subtlety is all abut they should just learn sign language, or write notes

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