The Babies, They Hurt

a lot.

i was reading through old blog entries, trying to see if i was anymore detailed. from what i wrote, it sounds like i was in about the same state i am now. just stupid uncomfortable.

last tuesday, the doctor guestimated 6-7 weeks before the babies arrive. they’re both 2.9oz now, and they’re going to supposedly double (or almost double) in weight by then. i just can’t envision that in my mind, because there is simply no room left.

i’m 29 weeks, and already the size i was at 36-37 weeks pregnant with caylin. my skin is on fire. my back is just killing me every time i’m sitting down or get up from laying/sitting for a long time. it’s always a lot worse by the end of the day. it’s hard to sit upright because instead of growing outward more, it seems like they just keep pressing up more and more. braxton hicks are a regular occurrence, but not painful yet. just really tight and a lot of pressure. harder to breathe lately.

brett bought me one of those fancy pregnancy pillows because i didn’t want to spend $60 on a bag of fluff, but i’m so glad he did. sleeping has been a LOT better. it’s still painful and i still wake up throughout the night, but not every hour like i had been.

on the opposite end of the spectrum, i still have essentially no other side effects. just the constant growing pains. the babies are healthy. caylin is stoked. brett is just as confused as i am with regards to how the next several weeks are going to play out.

the cat is still driving me insane and still won’t leave me alone. i got him neutered last month, not because of that, but because he flipped out at caylin finally one night and left me a little worried. he got a lot weirder after loki passed, a lot more protective. and even more so since being pregnant. but it had to be done. can’t have him attacking caylin or the babies. and since then, he has definitely calmed down. unfortunately, the clinginess has not changed. it’s only been 3 weeks or so, and hormonal changes take some time.

i feel really on edge, in general. i snap easily. it seemed like that increased a bit after loki passed, also. i don’t know if she helped me keep my cool, or why i’m just losing patience even quicker these days.

caylin has been going through a lot of weird phases lately. won’t listen/do what she’s told half the time. scared of just about everything. bugs (so small you can barely see them kind of bugs), ants, mosquitos, dogs, thunder, random dolls, falling asleep without me sitting next to her, the list goes on. i know they’re probably all just phases, because just months ago none of these weren’t even issues.

yesterday and saturday i just lost it. it was gorgeous this weekend, and we needed to get out of the house and enjoy the weather. no need to be cooped up indoors. the bug thing has already ruined several weekends. i know this is probably not the recommended way to do it, but we’ve tried talking. tried explaining. tried letting her watch her friends with bugs. they’re even studying bugs in preschool. this weekend, every time she started screaming and crying about a bug, i brought her back inside and put her in timeout. there was a lot of screaming and crying and an unbelievable amount of whining, and FINALLY, on like the 6th round, she sat down and started playing on the ground with her dolls and doing her chalk. the little girls nextdoor came over to play a little later, and all was well in the world. she even stepped on bugs and picked up a dead one. that was saturday. yesterday? she FLIPPED out again. i’m at a loss.

same issue with dogs. especially the neighbor’s dogs. they are so sweet, and one looks just like loki only a different color. she used to be fine with them. it’s her best friend’s house, and they have an awesome playground in the backyard. and caylin can’t go over there without all hell breaking loose. i finally buckled down and MADE her go in the backyard and play. again, a lot of screaming and crying, but minutes later she was fine, playing on the swings and running around the yard. she would come over to pet them to some degree and was talking to them and said she liked them. i guarantee the next time we try to play over there, it will be a blowup all over again. just keep trying, i guess. i’m at a loss.

i’ve had to lay with her until she’s sound asleep every night for the past 3-ish weeks. or she will just lose it. keep making up excuses about why she can’t go to sleep. noises. the air conditioner. the clock. the fan. her water. her socks. the door’s cracked too far open. she’s not tired (but she’s screaming crying and yawning at the same time). so i caved and i lay there until she’s out. but then she’s been waking up every night, usually 3-4 in the morning, and crawling into our bed. don’t get me wrong, i love the cuddles, but it will definitely prove to be difficult when the babies are born. and right now, i’m so uncomfortable during sleep that my constant tossing and turning almost certainly disrupts her sleep. so she’s probably not getting enough as it is.

maybe they’re all weird regression things. from what i’ve read, that’s entirely possible and happens to a lot of little ones before and after a new baby arrives. i hate being so frustrated with her all the time, and man it is stressful. it just sucks the fun and energy right out.

when she’s happy and rested and cooperative, she’s just so sweet and so much fun, and i forget about all of the above and absorb as many hugs as possible.

i know it will pass with time. i, too, have been struggling, trying to wrap my head around how to love 2 more as much as i love this one. she’s my babygirl, and i don’t know anything other than that. all i know is to keep telling her how much i love her, and how proud i am of her, and what a great big sister she’ll be. figure the rest out later.

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