Something I’d Change

if i were able to change one thing about myself (there are more than a handful of things i’d like to put on that list, but let’s be realistic here), it would be jealousy. hands down.

i’ve noticed it more and more over the last few years than i ever noticed it before. maybe because there are so many more things going on in my life now to compare to other people than there were a few years ago. i don’t really know what it is, to tell you the truth. but insecurity and jealousy are not a good combination. i think jealousy accounts for 75% of the breakouts i get on my face. and sleep deprivation. and nervousness. it’s not healthy, and i’m sure it’s already taken years off my life. i can’t stand it.

the insecurity thing has improved SO much over the past year, however. it is mind blowing how much a steady income and a career you enjoy change the way you feel about yourself. with that said, i still have my ups and downs. plenty of them.

living in charleston, there are a lot of pretty girls. that’s a fact. they are everywhere. that’s what happens when you live at the beach, i suppose. or maybe it’s just charleston in particular. i don’t really know because it’s the only beach i’ve ever lived near–i’m just going on things i’ve heard. nevertheless, there are a lot of them. it wasn’t as noticeable until brett moved down here. i find myself eyeballing them all, like, “wow, i hope he doesn’t scoop up one of them instead.” this makes me nauseous from time to time. okay, not really nauseous. but it makes me nervous. why? i have no idea. it shouldn’t, because that’s completely superficial and stupid. especially with a relationship like ours. perhaps it’s a girl thing, perhaps i’m just an idiot. funny thing is, he’s one *huge* reason i feel so much better about myself, and about life in general.

still, i get jealous over the dumbest things. people with perfect skin. perfect nails. perfect legs. a perfect ass. boatloads of money (there is such a thing as too much, though, i think). oh, and people who are good at EVERYTHING athletic they ever attempt to do. that drives me insane. i was good at one thing when i was younger–gymnastics. so i guess yoga and pilates can be grouped with that, because those are in the same realm. kind of. i’m good at those. but if you stick me in any type of team sport? i will freak out. i mean… freak… out…. seriously. i tried to play intramural dodge ball last year (yes, DODGE BALL), and nearly had a panic attack. i only played one game. we lost. i blamed myself for like a month afterwards. if you put me in any kind of sport that involves a ball, or a bat or, god forbid, a team mate, you might as well replace me with a rock. or maybe an ostrich. my brains turn to jello, and my body will try to do anything *except* what i tell it to do.

i rarely say or do anything about it, because i read somewhere that you should never compare yourself to someone else, and i eventually force myself to snap out of it. i’ve gotten a lot better at that. i realize that i’m a nerd, and being in front of a computer screen or on the floor playing with cables is just my comfort zone. i’m not supposed to be anything else, which is why i do what i do. it’s why i’ll always have to go to a tanning bed *before* going to the beach, and it is probably why i’ll never have nice fingernails.

anyone else go through waves of it, like that? like… you see someone and you’re like, wow, that must be nice, and actually talk yourself through it in your head? i can’t be the only one. i know things could *always* be worse. looking at the big picture, things are pretty damn good right now. this is just one of those feelings i can never escape, and i was wondering if anyone else ever felt the same way.


  • Erica says:

    you arnt the only one feeling that like. It happens to me to sometimes.

  • syntax says:

    First off, you’re beautiful whit, and ask anyone that knows you and they’ll tell you the same (and even strangers, but asking strangers if they find you attractive is weird :)).

    Second you’ve got boobs. Yes, I said it BOOBS. And guys like boobs! And Brent has boobs he can touch. QED.

    Third, with the whole ‘must be nice’ thing, remember, you’re only seeing what is visible to you. They may be the loneliest person you’ve ever met. Don’t assume the guy driving down the street in his brand new Maserati going to the club and bringing home a different chick every night is happy – that’s generally the sign of someone who is miserable and trying to hide it from themselves. Or the chick with the smoking hot body on the beach who has random hookups every night because she’s trying to escape from what’s really hurting her (and is pretty dumb as well – I mean, have you talked to some of them?!?!).

    It took me hitting rock bottom in life to realize it’s not about looks, or money, or having shit, it’s about being happy with who I am, and loving the person I’m with – which is why I married my best friend and it’s why you’re living with yours. I wouldn’t change a single thing about myself, and doing things like going to the gym are just for my own enjoyment (and my wife’s of course ;)). Be happy & proud of who you are, and laugh when you do stupid shit. I can’t play sports, but, after forewarning everyone how much I suck, I do it anyway because it’s fun. And damnit, if I can’t laugh at myself and make a fool of myself, then it’s gonna be a very long life!

    Finally, guys are gonna look, we all do, it’s nature. My CS teacher had a saying in high school – the day her husband stops looking at other women is the day she divorces him because he’s obviously turned gay. However, the key to remember is, we look but we stay with the one we’re with – obviously what we saw wasn’t better than what we already have – thus, you’re better than them!

    Oh and as for dodgeball, fuck that! There’s always that one asshole who intentionally tries to peg you in the face, and especially at your height, it’s dangerous!


  • brent says:

    Iv always been jealous of your mad computer skills and im a computer nerd too, hows that for irony.

    kara says im the same sanity for her too so its totally not just you

    and now that i finally got a real job i definately understand the security thing, or at least i will when i get a paycheck

  • Mom says:

    Welcome to my world! lol! You've got so much going for you, you need to concentrate on the positive and not the negative. Just be the best you can be, that's all anyone can ask. Remember what Papa said – true happiness comes from helping others. I've found that to be true. He also used to say everyday can't be fun, lately I've found that really to be true!!

  • hien says:

    Jealousy is a weird thing – after dealing with it when younger I rarely feel it now. Sure, a good job helped but was also able to prove what I know and don't know. I guess that helped overall confidence. In addition, as I got into and out of more relationships, I gained more confidence by learning there are people that are into me that I'm not that into. I think that helped me understand and accept the flip side (being dumped) as well.

    Lastly, the words of a wise man, slightly paraphrased but:
    No matter how hot a girl is there's someone, somewhere that's:
    -tired of her sh*t
    -refusing to f*ck her

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