Costco Requires A Strategy

brett and i had our first costco adventure last night. by adventure, i mean, we went down every aisle, and i pointed out every item like it was the coolest thing i’d ever seen. “WOULD YOU LIKE A GIANT JAR OF MAYONNAISE? perhaps you want 12 pounds of bacon. or maybe even… the biggest block of kraft singles you’ve ever seen in your LIFE! maybe even 20 pairs of gold toe socks”

when we first got there, we decided we really should have eaten first. grocery shopping while hungry is not a smart idea in the first place, and i imagine that shopping in bulk while hungry is far worse. WHAT? you can buy pizzas by the DOZEN? we MUST buy them! so we took advantage of the $1.50 hot dog/soda deal, *prior* to filling our cart. the hot dogs were delicious, by the way. even more delicious for $1.50.

it had been a few years since i’d been in a costco, and at least a decade since i’d been in a sam’s club. i had forgotten what the term bulk actually implied. like… you can buy a whole crate full of half gallon bottles of ranch *OR* you can buy a bottle of shampoo that will supply all of south carolina for a week. in reality, buying that much ranch is almost reasonable for me. i put ranch on everything. it’s sad, really.

anywho, we learned a few things…

  1. only buy foods that we eat a lot of at one time, like lunch meats and stuff to snack on at work. we go through sliced ham and turkey like it’s nothing. we do not, however, need to purchase cheese like we’re storing up for the apocalypse.
  2. the giant jars of mayonnaise might actually be acceptable, but only to go along with the 15 cans of tuna i bought. and sammiches, of course. and pasta salad. ONLY if it never actually makes skin contact, because mayonnaise REALLY grosses me out.
  3. 2 marinaded pork tenderloins for $11 is pretty freaking fantastic.
  4. definitely keep buying milk at costco. why? because brett could drink a gallon a day, if you let him. easily. the only thing holding him back is refrigerator space.
  5. their chicken and cheese ravioli is absolutely heavenly. try it. it might just change your life. until last night, the only ravioli i ate was the fried ravioli from olive garden. the times, they are a-changin’.
  6. keep me away from the patio furniture–especially the chairs that spin.
  7. keep me away from the pastries–especially the 8-pound chocolate cake and the steroid-injected cupcakes. seriously, they are like 5 inches in diameter. i never thought i’d have to measure the diameter of a cupcake.
  8. better yet, i should probably just be kept on a leash the next time i go to costco.
  9. if anyone sees brett purchase another stick of deodorant for the rest of his life, beat him senseless. because he bought the biggest pack of deodorant i’ve ever seen, and i just don’t think anyone could use that much deodorant in a lifetime.
  10. park closer to the apartment next time we come home. i forgot they don’t use bags, so for the first time in our lives, it took us 2 trips to bring the groceries inside. one of those trips was to get his milk, AND the 85 pound bag of kitty litter.

those are just a few lessons learned after our first trip.

if anyone else would like to share their costco favorites, please fill me in. i want to learn all of the super cool costco secrets.


  • Sean says:

    Surely you noticed the attached ABC store that sells liquor only by the handle for a good price.

    If you go in around lunch time you can eat for free with all the sample carts they have out in the isles.

    • short stack says:

      i went to the one in west ashley. i did not notice this. how did i not notice this?

      also, i'm always at work during lunch time. or out eating lunch. maybe i will have to switch it up a bit. free food is way better.

      • Sean says:

        Weekends are the same deal re: lunch. And the one in West Ashley (the only one in Charleston) is the only liquor store I've ever seen attached to a Costco, although people tell me the exist elsewhere, although not in North Carolina.

  • Sean says:

    or aisles. *sigh* spell/grammar check has ruined me.

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