End-of-Semester Woes

i didn’t think it would be possible to become stressed out over a semester as easy as this one. i have 4 classes and a lab. i did this intentionally because i just knew that if i took 16 hours i would inevitably hate myself and cry myself to sleep every night with everything else going on (ie. gaming club, AITP, ALUG, work (i should probably try and get some hours in and yes i just used double parenthesis)). if you know me at all, you probably know that i stress over the smallest detail, am very obsessive compulsive as far as organization and being a control freak goes, and i have a slight problem with anxiety and depression. when i say slight, that is quite the understatement.

this week i don’t have too much going on but the fact that i have a presentation due at random (my professor refuses to tell us exactly when our groups will present), a statistics exam (if i nail this one, i don’t have to take the final), a biology lab final which should be a piece of cake, a gaming club meeting to help plan, an AITP trip that i’m supposed to go on but it looks like i won’t be able to go AND I WANT TO GO SO BAD, it’s enough to make my head explode. my final exams (all 2 of them) aren’t even until next week and the week after.

there are no words to explain how happy i am that adam is coming up this weekend, and that i can skip the drive this time around, and classes will be over in 6 days, and that he will be on his entire month of leave the day my classes are over with, and that we can frolic to the ski slopes and try out our sweet new boards. and once everything school-related is over with, DID I MENTION HE’S TAKING ME TO LONDON FOR SIX WHOLE DAYS?!? i am, hands down, the luckiest girl on the planet to have a man who treats me so well, spoils the hell out of me, and even looks good in drag.

in the short run, i am also extremely happy that jill and i are celebrating today being over by going to flipside, eating 2 for 1 pizzas, having a couple beers, and hopefully having lots of stupid conversation.

2 nights ago, i had the worst panic attack i’ve ever had. i have never felt so out of control and helpless and completely miserable. i was crying, i was tensed up everywhere, i was shaking, i couldn’t eat, i couldn’t sleep, i couldn’t STOP crying, i was lightheaded because i was hyperventilating so much. the worst part is, i have no idea what triggered it. my best guess is that all the stress and hype and events from the past 2 months must have finally gotten to me. daylight savings time has also done a number on my mood swings and ever since it started getting dark by 6pm, let’s just say i’ve not been the peachiest. actually, i’ve been quite a bitch, and a hermit. and just fucking weird.

anywho, i called adam not knowing what else to do, and he talked me through it. he sat on the phone with me for over an hour trying to get me to calm down, get my breathing stabilized, and told me to not think about anything except for staring at the back of my eyelids. and let me just add that it’s the first time i’ve actually not thought about anything when he was on the other end of the phone. he’s just so purdy. :oops: eventually, the crying stopped, the shaking stopped, i was almost breathing normally, and i actually laid on my bed and relaxed every muscle in my body except the ones helping hold the phone to my head. i fell asleep without trouble and slept for 13 hours. sherry, you may have raised an angel.

if that ever happens again, and i hope like hell it doesn’t, but in the event that i have an episode as severe as the one monday night, at least i will know that it’s not the end of the world and when it’s all over and done with and the crying stops, i will be ok. also, fuck stress and anxiety and depression and daylight savings time for putting my head in knots for the last 6-8 weeks.

after such a serious post, here is a video of loki popping a balloon and then running away because she scared the shit out of herself.

5 Comments

  • jillian says:

    it's about time we get go do something i havent seen you in effing forever

  • Kelley says:

    Ugh, I've never had a panic attack before, but they definitely run in my family. My cuzzie has meds that help her calm down, maybe you should look into going to the doctor? I guess if you can calm yourself down though, it's not really necessary.

    Loki is precious!

  • christine says:

    I have really bad panic attacks as well, i get them 4 times a month every so often, they are hard to control and mine last about 3 hrs depending on what triggered it and what i think about during the attack. i just think of every happy thing that goes on in my life and that i’m not going to die because nobody has ever died having a panic attack and that usually helps me through them, and yeah boyfriends come in handy as well. mine helps me through them like your boyfriend does.

    besides from that you’re one lucky chick to go to london for six days, i’d die just to get a chance to leave this country! :)

  • jillian says:

    it’s about time we get go do something
    i havent seen you in effing forever

  • Kelley says:

    Ugh, I’ve never had a panic attack before, but they definitely run in my family. My cuzzie has meds that help her calm down, maybe you should look into going to the doctor? I guess if you can calm yourself down though, it’s not really necessary.

    Loki is precious!

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