What Happened

i don’t know why i stopped writing. after i decided that 3 years of at-least-1-a-day photos of caylin and at-least-1-a-month posts of caylin was enough, i fell off the grid. i didn’t hold myself accountable, once again, and now i regret it. i barely remember the first 2 years of caylin’s life already… isn’t that ridiculous? i blinked and it happened. if it weren’t for everything i wrote and all the pictures i took… i’m kicking myself for falling behind.

so much has happened. too much to put here. too much to recount.

i feel like i have become the worst version of myself.

can we just all go back to being kids again? i love caylin. i love my life. and i don’t want to change it. but some days i just want to say fuck all responsibility, i want to be a kid again and just not care. just disappear for 10 days to myrtle beach and make friends with everyone i run into and go on every adventure thrown at me. or go back to europe and spend 3 weeks with barely a wink of sleep, coming home only just after the sun came up every morning. trains and parties with strangers i’ll probably never see again for as long as i live. i’d go to a hacker con every week if it was financially or emotionally or in any way feasible.

is it normal to feel like there is so much more you want to do but feel this never-ending guilt for wanting to just go do it?

caylin is amazing. 3 years is trying, yes. it’s exhausting, yes. but… she’s perfect. no matter how nuts she is or how many tantrums, she’s perfect. she’s 3. that’s what 3 is for. not giving a shit about anything except being 3. i love it. her arms around my neck at the end of the work day… is perfect. laying in bed with her reading stories and cuddling with her before she falls asleep… is perfect. it is heaven.

and i’m envious. i never *truly* saw that YOU-CAN-LITERALLY-DO-ANYTHING opportunity in front of me. probably not when i was 3 and definitely not when i was 18 or even 23. i don’t know if that’s something you can make someone see until they see it for themselves.

we’re going to disney on friday, coming back monday. long weekend. the days are numbered that we’ll have her as this tiny little person, so i wanted to take her now. mom took me when i was 4, and she talks about it to this day. i have so many vivid memories from that trip, 25 years ago. she’s already taken caylin 4 times. so now i want to take her. i want to give her what my mom gave me.

after that, mom and i are going to see chicago. i’ve always wanted to see it live.

after that, we’re going with the neighbors to see luke combs in myrtle beach.

couple weeks after that, carolinacon.

brett and i are going to nashville in march.

then mom and i are going to see phantom of the opera.

april… space camp.

may… carolina rebellion. layerone.

june… red hat training, and who knows what else.

and before you know it, it’s time for DEF CON again and derbycon and hopefully another AWS conference. and halloween and thanksgiving and christmas and a whole year has just FLOWN by.

being an adult and a parent means scheduling EVERYTHING months before it happens. and i get that. i’m a scheduling and planning FREAK now and live by my calendar and to-do lists and my evernote and reminders.

but DAMMIT if i don’t miss the days not knowing how much money was in my bank account. or just getting in the car saying fuck it, i’m going on an adventure today. or having to split a pack of sliced turkey with loki for a freaking week because i was broke and too caught up with college and fun and life to actually go work. or sitting on my ass for 12 hours nerding out because that’s what i wanted to do that day.

i turn 30 in 5 months. maybe this is all hitting me like a brick wall because… crisis mode. then again, it’s felt like crisis mode since i had caylin. like i’m scrambling to make up for inevitably lost time, or maybe i’m just trying too hard to not-grow-up.

i can’t be alone in this.

i love my life. i love my career. what is this nagging feeling.