back in march, i started doing crossfit again. it had been 4 years or more since i last tried it. i was unsure if it would stick, or if i’d like it more or less the second time around. i was nervous.

here i am, 6 months later. i still go 4-5 days a week. i aim for 5, but things happen.

i actually didn’t go this morning, after 2 and a half weeks of not missing a beat. and it feels WEIRD. so weird. not waking up at the asscrack of dawn, dragging myself out of bed, driving to the gym. it now feels like a home away from home–that is the level of comfort and camaraderie i have come to love.

waking up that early has been awesome, because it adds a few hours to my day. otherwise i’d still be rolling into work at 9, leaving at 5-530, getting home later, and pushing my workout back to 10pm. kill me now. every once in a while, that works, but it just sucks.

so now… i have forced myself to become a morning person. against all odds, it ACTUALLY happened. the hardest part is lifting my head off that pillow and not hitting snooze. once i’m out of bed, i’m good to go. and it feels great. it feels great getting things DONE, and being able to leave work at 330-4 to go pick up caylin. i have the rest of the afternoon to be mom, and put in the quality time.

all that said, it’s been 6 months, and i’m still figuring it all out. yes, the schedule is great, but it is mentally and physically exhausting.

caylin still stays up until 9-9:30 most nights, which means if brett and i want to hang out and watch shows and just relax, we’re still up late.

i still work in the evenings, whether it’s my side work or work work. if i’m not working, i’m cooking meals for the week, or baking. it is so hard for me to just SIT there lately. i don’t know what’s wrong with me.

we generally don’t actually relax until around 11. THEN we decide to catch up on the next episode of whatever series we’re watching, or forensic files, or jimmy fallon. all the while, i’d say 4-5 nights a week we have at least one drink. depending on the day, or my inability to truly relax, to just let go, it’s usually more.

i’ve always been a night owl, so this combined with the whole waking up super early thing… let me tell you. i am burning hot on both ends these days. most nights i fall asleep for a few minutes with caylin after reading her a bedtime story. there is no gas left in my tank. like, ever. this has caused some friction at home, trying to adjust. which is understandable.

i’m not condoning this lifestyle–the lack of sleep, the drinking, the barely relaxing. but i do have to say, despite the exhaustion, there is nothing i’d rather be doing that early in the morning except crossfit. not anymore. i have found my safe place, my place to sweat it all out, my place to breathe, my place to put my mind right. with great people. it is the best way to start to my day.

i have never had much confidence in myself, outside of my career, and finally, FINALLY i feel like that part of me is coming around.