i have always struggled with anxiety, self-image, self-consciousness, self-esteem… the whole nine yards. i’m pretty sure most women do to some extent, in at least one of those areas. it can be crippling and frustrating.

and it is absolutely a waste of time.

i don’t say this because i feel like it can be shrugged away, like so many other wastes of time. because it ISN’T just shrugged away, unfortunately. you can’t just ignore it. it manifests itself in every aspect of your life, whether you like it (or realize it) or not. it can ruin you. it can ruin a lot of things.

i say it’s a waste of time, because after i had caylin, i realized how much time i actually HAD wasted worrying about all of these things, when i could be doing so much MORE to fix them. when i could instead be fully enjoying everything in my life right now.

i’ve always tried to take care of myself, if anything just to stay skinny. but it wasn’t until caylin that i had a REASON. brett is obviously one reason. but caylin is a different kind of reason.

since she was born, i have treated myself the way i should’ve been treating myself from day 1.

• vitamins.
• cooking better for my family.
• working out regularly – i will expand on this.
• getting outside more often – this used to never happen. like, ever. sunlight does wonders for your mood. yes, it’s common sense. but i never took advantage.
• being more social.
• enjoying the little things.

i started working out regularly in march. i know i’ve posted about it several times. but, since i started, i still haven’t let up (except for vacations, it’s vacation. come on…). i’ve not only lost fat (and clothing sizes), but i’ve gained muscle. i weigh less and feel worlds better than i did in high school, even when i was doing gymnastics regularly.

i feel like i’m 17 again instead of 27. i have so much energy. even when i’m exhausted, i feel energized. powerful. like i could stay up another 24 hours at the end of the day. my mood has improved drastically. plus, i’m not [as] bitchy (generally speaking). it’s just awesome.

it’s not just me–brett started working out regularly as well. he works out with the neighbors almost every day while i cook dinner and play with caylin. i take her on an afternoon walk a few times a week when i’m waiting on dinner to cook and they’re doing their thing in the garage. sometimes i take her to the neighbors to play with their little girl. we all get some sunshine. we all get a little space. we socialize. we talk.

tangent: we have a real, functioning social life now. i feel like moving into this house was just the best decision we’ve ever made. for caylin, for us, just in general. it improved our lives in so many ways. this is one of them.

i just feel like our relationship is so much healthier now because we’ve taken all these steps.

he works out. i work out. we both feel GOOD. we both feel better physically and mentally. moods are improved. hormones are in balance. it just works. when we’re happy, we’re happy around caylin. and that is #1 priority.

my face hasn’t broken out in months. MONTHS. that is unheard of.

what i’ve been getting to, though, is how all of this positively affects the effects of social anxiety.

brett and i got back from defcon on sunday. it was epic and amazing and i loved every bit of it. but every year, i usually dread going. i mean, i am always excited to go, but i still dread it. i have a love/hate relationship with conferences, which is part of the reason i’ve only ever wanted to go to 1 or 2 a year.

every conference i go to, i panic. about eleventy billion times a day. the only 2 i attend (so far) are CES and defcon. they’re huge. they’re crowded. they’re full of thousands of people. it’s terrifying.

every time i’ve gone to one, i have had to take bathroom breaks every 20 feet. dart into the ladies room, stand there for a few minutes and recoup. re-energize. fix my makeup. fix my clothes. get my shit together. stop sweating. stop shaking. suck it in. move along.

this year, i had a personal breakthrough. a huge one.

because i had been doing all of these things over the past several months…

• i was able to walk down the halls at defcon without sweating through my clothes.
• i was able to wear a tank top and not run back to the hotel room and change clothes. sounds stupid, but i haven’t worn tanktops pretty much at all since high school until the past few weeks. i’ve always hated my arms and my back, and now i don’t, and can wear summer clothes for once.
• i was able to wear a skirt and not run back to the hotel and change clothes. (see last item)
• i was able carry ONLY my credit cards/ID/phone with me, instead of lugging a purse around. for years, my purse has been my excuse to carry my makeup and all the rest of my shit. dude–i had NO. PURSE. THE ENTIRE TRIP. this was huge. i never leave the house without my makeup. or my purse. this has not happened since middle school. it sounds ridiculous and petty, but you have no idea what a breakthrough this was. i felt liberated. it was incredible.
• my fake bathroom breaks were absolutely eliminated. the only reason for the stupid amount of bathroom trips was the free beer. thank you, vegas. thank you, defcon.
• i didn’t panic walking through the halls. instead, i frantically searched for people i knew. for my twitter friends i hadn’t met yet. for any excuse to reach out and ENJOY everything and make friends and see people i hadn’t seen and take in every bit of fun there was to be had.
• i went to the freaking pool. i got IN THE POOL. sans coverup. there were fancy vegas dancers and i didn’t feel like total shit. i didn’t get nervous. i didn’t worry about brett wanting to leave me for the pretty waitress. it’s vegas. this stuff is supposed to be fun. freaking ENJOY IT.
• i took brett to see zumanity. there is no way that i would’ve done this a year ago. absolutely no way. it was basically porn on stage. (um, it was awesome.) the old (and debbie downer) me never would’ve done that.

i know these examples seem half-assed, but if you know me, you know that they’re really not. these things individually aren’t really a big deal, but looking at the big picture, it is. i feel like a better person. a better woman.

i feel like i can be the awesome (in my head, at least. i will try my hardest, dammit) mom i need to be for caylin.

i can be the wife i need to be for brett.

i feel stronger for my family BECAUSE i’m a stronger me. i have more confidence. i want to enjoy EVERYTHING. everything is FUN. everything is awesome. i love work. i love life. i love playtime with caylin. i love every bit of all of it. finally.

i only wish it didn’t take 27 years for me to get to this high.

that, to me, is worth millions.

the beer and cookies and code have zero relevance to this post, other than the fact that the beer made me want to bake cookies, and the cookies reminded me that at this time last week, i was eating cheesecake in a king size bed. in a hotel suite. with a flat screen TV that swivels. in CALIFORNIA.

so. last week, brett had to go to san diego for work. i had never been to san diego (or even CA for more than a few hours), so i bought a plane ticket to go, too. there aren’t many times when a free 4-day hotel stay in sunny, perfect, oceanside, CA finds its way into your life, so i couldn’t easily pass that one up. we flew out last tuesday and got there with the whole afternoon to spare.

walk 40 feet, drink glen livet with strange old biker men (they kept buying brett beer, so i bought them/us scotch, i don’t understand my logic either), walk 40 feet home, sweatpants, TV, cheesecake, angry birds, sleep. oh, good heavens. it was just what the doctor ordered.

since brett was at work until 4:30-5:00 most days, my days were… wide open.

here is how i spent every day in cali:

• wake up at 7:00 when our alarm went off
• play angry birds and watch “taxidermy america” and “deadliest catch”
• shower
• come up with as many reasons as possible to drive ANYWHERE, just so i could get behind the wheel of the dodge charger that national rented to us
• go back to the hotel and work hard on getting tan

found my way to vista, CA, and ate at el callejon. i have never been this confused by mexican food. the “queso” was melted mozzarella in a bowl. and stretchy. and did not want to be dipped. they gave me an actual salad with italian dressing. they gave me tortillas, in addition to my enchiladas. i never found out what i was supposed to put in them. they had an entire wall covered in JUST tequila. when caught eyeing the tequila, the bartender told me, “not until you’re older!”

showered, and gorged on fried chicken and macaroni at felix’s BBQ with soul. food coma followed.

thursday…

made the GORGEOUS drive to san clemente (mountains on my right, ocean on my left, unbelievable), got a burrito at chronic tacos as i was told to do, and drove around town.

hit up wal-mart real quick, and went back to the hotel pool until brett came back.

had the strangest ricotta/spinach manicotti (it was actually green inside) at the italian place across the parking lot, where i got barked at by a crotchety, italian waitress for not knowing what i wanted to eat 2 minutes after being seated. i told her i was sick and she quit coming back to our table. we spent the rest of the night on our laptops drinking away our sicknesses.

thursday…

drove to mcdonald’s for “breakfast”. nugget craving killed my willpower.

after writing down all that i ate on this trip, i realize it was… the furthest thing from healthy. good lord. anyway, it was a beautiful day so instead of driving around, i went to the pool. after realizing that you could get drinks delivered to your lounge chair, i decided to stay at the pool.

after writing down all that i drank on this trip, i realize that i sound like an alcoholic. and i promise that i am not. i was on vacation. and alone. and it was one of the only things that would soothe my sore throat.

anyway, had a few beers until brett got back, and then he and i headed to DISNEY LAND. disney freaking land. i never thought we would end up there, of all places. originally, we planned to go to the zoo, but it closed at 9, and that would mean we only had ~3 hours for the $40 ticket. disney was open until midnight, which left us with ~5-6 hours for an $80 ticket, and i mean, it’s disney land. COME ON. i didn’t get as many pictures as i would’ve liked since it was dark while we were there, but the video i got of us screaming on the matterhorn more than makes up for it. that, and the electrical parade.

it has taken me like 2 hours to write this post because i keep having to get up to get more cookies and try and remember everything. thank god for NFL HD channel to keep brett from punching me in the back of the head. apologies for the rambling and such.

it feels really weird not having a 3-week vacation for christmas. i was writing my dates on the calendar yesterday for when i was going to be taking off work and it was mildly depressing that i am only going to have 6 days of free time… instead of… 24? yuck.

i’m trying to get as much crap done this week as possible. my dentist visits are done this week (HOORAY for no more cavities!). i sent out all my christmas cards this morning. i wrapped everyone’s presents (except for a couple stragglers in the mail, damn shipping). i bought a tanning package yesterday so i’m going every day this week. yes, mom, i have lotion. i’m mainly going because a) it makes my face clear up, b) it is very relaxing, and c) i feel better when i have a “glow” and am not translucent. i also do not want to look like a ghost when brett gets home from the bahamas this weekend. AND… drumroll… i’ve been running at the gym every day. i have lost the thanksgiving pounds and then some. i am on the ball.

my christmas vacation officially starts when i leave work on monday afternoon, but i told elizabeth i’d give her a ride to the airport really early tuesday morning so i won’t be leaving until then. i made a “girl” doctor’s appointment in winston for 10:45 that morning, which sucks, but it’s the only time i could get in. so i will be leaving my apartment at 0 dark 30, driving to the airport, and then driving home to NC just in time for my appointment. let me tell you how excited i am about that.

HERE IS WHY I AM NERVOUS…

i don’t know any female who likes going to the OB/GYN. any female who enjoys having someone stare at their innards through that must be out of their mind. either way, it has to happen sometime or another. it’s really not that bad if you have a good doctor. it is bad, however, when they bring along their interns. yes, internS.

i can’t remember if i wrote about what happened on here or not, but allow me to reiterate.

i went to the OB/GYN for a normal visit. i walked in, talked with the nurse for a few minutes, put the little gown on, and waited on the table. my doctor walked in and we talked for a minute (i hate that little chit chat before they actually do anything. just get it over with, please!). i put my feet in the stirrups and tried to get comfortable. then another woman walked in.

who is this person? and why are they in here… also staring at my innards? the nurse asked me if it was okay (AFTER the woman was already clearly within viewing range of my lady parts) if her intern sat in on the visit. the worst was over, i thought, so why not?

then another woman walked in. it was another intern. i do not know why my doctor didn’t think to ask me beforehand. i just know that i was completely mortified of the entire experience and wanted to curl up in the fetal (why does wordpress not recognize the word fetal?) position and cry uncontrollably.

my doctor asked if it was okay for both interns to sit in on the visit. the worst was over, i thought, so LET’S MAKE IT AN EVENT! someone go get popcorn.

the worst was not over. the worst part was when they all put on headlamps, my doctor holding that dreaded “tool” in hand. i seriously thought they were about to go spelunking. like it was the magic school bus or something and they were about to shrink to 1/1000000th of their normal size, and walk right in.

so on top of the normal jitters surrounding a regular OB/GYN visit, there’s always that!

defcon was freaking amazing. i made a lot of new friends, was wined and dined by goons and geeks, even got handcuffed (and learned how to get out of them). my eyes seriously welled up when i hugged everyone goodbye and got in my cab to the airport. :cry: one of my most memorable trips ever, for sure.

also, i bought entirely too much defcon swag. damn you, vendor booths and your booze.

i didn’t get a lot of pictures but i am pretty sure that’s because we were too busy raising hell in the riv. :grin:

[edit] completely forgot to mention the blacked out brawndo (IT’S GOT WHAT PLANTS CRAVE! i didn’t know that crap actually existed… o_0 it tastes like ass) vending machine. very impressive. i’m pretty sure i have a picture of it on my phone and i will put it on twitpic when i get off work. [/edit]