i’m a few days late, but that’s only because i have finally reached the point of total exhaustion. in a good way.

somehow, caylin turned into a toddler overnight. right when i decided to take on 2 new web clients. my lack of sleep (entirely my fault for staying up late) coupled with her lack of sleep (staying up an hour later than usual lately)–to put it in perspective, i came home from work yesterday, took caylin out to dinner and to publix (brett stayed home to work out), unloaded groceries, played with her til bedtime (almost 9:15 last night, omg), and then i passed out. FOR THE NIGHT. i don’t remember the last time i went to bed at 9:30.

dude, she is INSANE now.

like, the past week, all she does is run a muck. chase loki. throw rocks. bang on the sliding glass door. climb the stairs. she screams NON STOP. granted, they are happy fun screams, and it’s hilarious (until you go deaf), but it is all. the. time. every night after dinner, from about 7 to 8-8:30, we all go upstairs, and close all the doors in the hallway except for the playroom and her bedroom. brett and i sit in the play room, and she basically runs back and forth for an hour, bring back random objects every trip. every so often we get up and chase her to get her going, fling her around, tickle her, tire her out. loki will lick her to death. she plays on her slide. watches her baby einstein. drinks her bottle. runs around some more.

and the screaming–can’t forget the screaming.

it’s just ridiculous. so much fun, but so hard to keep up with. everyone warned me about this part. they said i would be dead tired. truth is, i AM dead tired, but i feel more energized overall. minus last night–i think last night was just a culmination of the past couple weeks.

playing with her now is still (to me) less exhausting than it was trying to entertain her as an itty bitty infant, incapable of really even being entertained. she’s so much fun now. i love it. her laugh is infectious–she is the happiest little kid. i can’t get enough of it.

she points at EVERYTHING and yells, demanding to know what it is. we figured out a while ago that she doesn’t actually want what she’s pointing at. she just wants you to say its name. she does it in her books, too. it’s a fun game for a while, but at some point it becomes almost impossible to tell what she’s pointing at and we just give up.

at 14 months:

• she has learned to sit down on things. mostly the bottom step of any staircase–she will sit down and stand up over and over and over and over and over again. most recently she has learned that she can also sit on loki, which is not good. and me while i’m laying down.
• she licks everything these days, which is kind of weird. i handed her a loaf of bread when we were at target the other day–30 seconds later i look down, and she’s gnawing on it. there were teeth marks on the bag. last night, at publix, i handed her a tub of cream cheese–she immediately put it to her face and licked it. handed her a bag of pistachios–licked that. handed her a can of soup–licked that, too. so. weird.
• she finally feeds herself her formula, but only laying down. tries to use a straw, but that doesn’t always work.
• loves loki–playing fetch (which is awesome), sliding down her slide plowing straight into loki so she gets licked to death, faceplanting her (her idea of giving her a hug, it’s adorable until she gets a mouthful of hair)
• she learned to do the lip finger thing. after spending about 10 minutes trying to figure out how to google this i give up. you know the thing where you put your finger horizontal (parallel to your lips) and move it up and down and you make the blub noise? that. that’s what she does. it’s awesome. WTF is that called?
• she loves to push things and carry things. her stoller. her wagon. buckets. my bare essentials bag (carries it slung over her shoulder like a purse–it’s awesome).
• she bit me for the first time the other day. it hasn’t happened since, and i think both of us were confused by it. she left tiny teeth marks, and looked at me like i was the weird one.
• she learned to put on sunglasses. i have a pair of plastic sunglasses that i let her play with, and she puts them on. but only upside down and on the top of her head. she loves putting them on US still, but the new thing is that she doesn’t yank them off her face immediately like she used to.
• i bought her one of those little red buggy cars (the flintstone type one that you walk yourself) and she loves getting in and out of it. backwards. everything she does, she has to do backwards. including her rocking horse and dragon scooter thing. not sure what that’s about.
• she frequently locks herself in closet. she loves shutting/opening doors, but sometimes she ends up on the wrong side.
• she LOVES her fruits and veggies. she’s always been a good eater, but she just devours this stuff. she eats a lot of my salad these days. obsessed with tomatoes and broccoli lately, and lettuce if i put ranch on it. watermelon, blueberries, strawberries–will all be gone in seconds. i introduced her to kiwi today and that went over well, too. it’s great. appreciating this one while it lasts.

i feel like so much has happened over the past month. even today–we went to our neighbors’ little girl’s birthday party. madi turned 2 today. ashley and jason had a bunch of their friends over for madi’s birthday–they were all various ages, so caylin was just watching them in awe the whole time. she watched madi play in the sand–she did the same things madi did. one of the little boys was playing on the scooter, so she followed him around on the scooter. the 6 year old girl was coloring in a coloring book–instead of picking up a crayon and licking it, like usual, caylin actually started coloring with it, watching the little girl. it’s just NUTS to be able to SEE her learn things and imitate other kids.

it’s finally hitting me that we no longer have a baby on our hands. we have a KID now, and it’s only gonna escalate from here. she is so close to talking, which is awesome and terrifying. i don’t know if i’m ready for what’s to come.

i feel like i only ever talk about caylin on here lately in my monthly updates, which is ok, but it also means i’m avoiding the whole reason i have this site. i hate that my writing feels forced lately. this is normally my place to vent, but the past few times i’ve sat down to write, i just give up. i’d rather zone out instead.

there are a few announcements, i suppose. the biggest one being that i’m leaving my project at work in the next couple of weeks. saying goodbye to government work, for now. on wednesday, for the 2 weeks following, i will be 50% on the VA project i’m on now, 50% mobile team, and 50% commercial services infrastructure/dev-ops. i know those numbers don’t add up, but i have a feeling that’s what those 2 weeks will feel like. after those 2 weeks, i will be 50% mobile development, 50% commercial services infrastructure/dev-ops.

i’m stoked for the work i’ll be doing. it consists of my dream job–server side work, building out and managing customer environments, plus mobile development. this package comes with more responsibility, more leadership, which i really want now. it’s amazing. but… it is bittersweet. i’ve been doing government work since june 2009. i’ve been on the team i’m on since august 2011. it is SO hard to leave. i am keeping my cube at work, so i’m still literally in the MIDDLE of my team. but it’s not the same. i am absolutely in love with my prod ops team, and it’s really… really difficult to make the switch. again. they have become some of my favorite people on the planet over the past 2 years. absolutely irreplaceable. feels like family. it hurts.

other updates–let’s see. i’m still going strong with my workouts. still doing the nike thing, which i try to do at least 5 days at week. i’ve been pretty good about it. i haven’t been running as much lately, because i recently learned that shin splints suck. also, it’s getting cooler at night. running when it’s cold HURTS. my asthma hasn’t acted up in almost a year, but the couple nights i’ve gone running when it was cold–ouch. so that has kept me in line with my nike workouts. blessing in disguise, i suppose. until i get the balls to spend the money on GOOD running shoes. that’ll be a while. to hell with you, credit card debt.

after 8 years of wearing cheap, crappy make-up, i finally made the switch to bare minerals. i hate spending money on stuff like this. i still buy all my clothes and make-up at tj-maxx and target. i almost never get my hair or nails done. i never splurge on crap like this because i always end up feeling guilty, and like i could be spending it on FUN instead. or more importantly, caylin. or taking us all out to dinner. i’d never used bare minerals until my buddy’s wedding last month. one of carlie’s bridesmaids let me borrow her make-up, and that was what she used. i was sold on the first try. the following weekend, i was at tanger outlets at the bare minerals store buying my “starter kit”. i’ve been using it ever since, and my skin has never felt better. not to mention, it feels like i’m not even wearing makeup. kind of weird to get used to, though. because now i feel like i’m naked, and i keep checking it all the time to make sure it’s still there. i hate that i even feel the need to do that still, but maybe one day i will be happy with my face and skin. getting closer. my skin hasn’t felt/looked this good since before i ever wore foundation, which was pre-2004. this is good for me, though. one step closer in my journey to accept myself.

phew. getting there. slowly, but surely, getting there.

brett and i were laying in bed last night watching a movie. out of the corner of my eye, i saw something scurrying along the foot-board of the bed. something dark and tiny, but big enough to make a shadow. bugs should not be big enough to have shadows.

i completely freaked out, and by freaked out i mean i started yelling BRETT GET OUT OF BED NOW AND TURN THE LIGHT ON SERIOUSLY GET THE FUDGE OUT OF BED AND TURN THE FUDGING LIGHT ON.

he got up and finally saw what i was pointing at–the giant cockroach dangling on our bed. now that he had also seen it, neither of us would sleep at all knowing it was still breathing.

10 minutes later, it was in pieces.

5 hours later, the alarm went off.

6 hours later, i got to work, only to be informed that over the rainy weekend, the pond next to our building had become home to 8 billion mosquito eggs–all of which hatched in the last 2 days.

and they had infiltrated the building.

about 6.5 hours later, while walking to the bathroom at work, i started realizing just how truly bad my wardrobe choice was. 1) for the mosquitoes eating at my backside, and 2) for my reputation in the workplace.

i have lost weight since i purchased the capris i wore today. suffice to say, they no longer agree to stay at an agreeable point above my hips.

let me just say, on behalf of the mosquitoes and the neon pink underwear i chose so tactfully this morning: THANK GOD FOR OVERSIZED HOODIES. because i didn’t take it off all day, and every time i did, something bad happened.

1. the first time i took it off was to go to a meeting out of the office. something about XXL pink defcon hoodies doesn’t sit right with government couture. i was walking back into the building–reached back for the next 10-second adjustment, only to find a solid 2 inches of lace poking out of the top of my pants. FML. i wonder how many people saw that one.
2. the second time was when i was leaving work. except right when i decided to leave, the sky opened up and the downpour began (thank you, hurricane irene. and you’re not even here yet). i borrowed a spare umbrella from work to go to my truck, pull it up to the front door, and only sacrifice about 20 feet of running through the rain to return said umbrella (instead of what would’ve been across the parking lot). except it didn’t work out that way. instead, i got to the truck, pulled up to the front door, ditched my heels, ran to the front door with the umbrella, and by the time i got there, my pants were even lower than they were during the LAST embarrassment, AND i was barefoot and soaking wet. at work. standing in front of my manager. god, help me. the rain started coming down harder, i bit the bullet, ran back to the truck, and as soon as i put it in drive–the rain stopped. go figure.
3. the third time was a continuation of the second, at food lion. i had promised brett an awesome dinner tonight. we didn’t have anything to make in the house, really. it was either frozen pizza again or ramen. and i was (apparently) hell bent on making something that didn’t suck. i bought what i needed and hustled to the cashier. my take on this was… the less time i spend in the grocery, the less time i have to make an ass out of myself. again. which was so not the case. instead, i reached into my purse for my wallet, which required me to let go of my pants, which allowed them to fall down. and then i turned around. and then i looked into the eyeballs of each of the 8 firemen standing directly behind me in the checkout line. and i thought i knew what embarrassed felt like.

i know that i am very blessed with the life i live. i know that. i am lucky to be where i am, and i am happy. i am very happy with where i am. here. at 25.

but REALLY.

i already do so many stupid things as it is. why, god, why? why do you make situations like these? so cripplingly humbling? on a monday?

and the best part? i got into the truck while i was leaving food lion. my phone was on shuffle. i hit play. and this song came on. i shit you not.

the beer and cookies and code have zero relevance to this post, other than the fact that the beer made me want to bake cookies, and the cookies reminded me that at this time last week, i was eating cheesecake in a king size bed. in a hotel suite. with a flat screen TV that swivels. in CALIFORNIA.

so. last week, brett had to go to san diego for work. i had never been to san diego (or even CA for more than a few hours), so i bought a plane ticket to go, too. there aren’t many times when a free 4-day hotel stay in sunny, perfect, oceanside, CA finds its way into your life, so i couldn’t easily pass that one up. we flew out last tuesday and got there with the whole afternoon to spare.

walk 40 feet, drink glen livet with strange old biker men (they kept buying brett beer, so i bought them/us scotch, i don’t understand my logic either), walk 40 feet home, sweatpants, TV, cheesecake, angry birds, sleep. oh, good heavens. it was just what the doctor ordered.

since brett was at work until 4:30-5:00 most days, my days were… wide open.

here is how i spent every day in cali:

• wake up at 7:00 when our alarm went off
• play angry birds and watch “taxidermy america” and “deadliest catch”
• shower
• come up with as many reasons as possible to drive ANYWHERE, just so i could get behind the wheel of the dodge charger that national rented to us
• go back to the hotel and work hard on getting tan

found my way to vista, CA, and ate at el callejon. i have never been this confused by mexican food. the “queso” was melted mozzarella in a bowl. and stretchy. and did not want to be dipped. they gave me an actual salad with italian dressing. they gave me tortillas, in addition to my enchiladas. i never found out what i was supposed to put in them. they had an entire wall covered in JUST tequila. when caught eyeing the tequila, the bartender told me, “not until you’re older!”

showered, and gorged on fried chicken and macaroni at felix’s BBQ with soul. food coma followed.

thursday…

made the GORGEOUS drive to san clemente (mountains on my right, ocean on my left, unbelievable), got a burrito at chronic tacos as i was told to do, and drove around town.

hit up wal-mart real quick, and went back to the hotel pool until brett came back.

had the strangest ricotta/spinach manicotti (it was actually green inside) at the italian place across the parking lot, where i got barked at by a crotchety, italian waitress for not knowing what i wanted to eat 2 minutes after being seated. i told her i was sick and she quit coming back to our table. we spent the rest of the night on our laptops drinking away our sicknesses.

thursday…

drove to mcdonald’s for “breakfast”. nugget craving killed my willpower.

after writing down all that i ate on this trip, i realize it was… the furthest thing from healthy. good lord. anyway, it was a beautiful day so instead of driving around, i went to the pool. after realizing that you could get drinks delivered to your lounge chair, i decided to stay at the pool.

after writing down all that i drank on this trip, i realize that i sound like an alcoholic. and i promise that i am not. i was on vacation. and alone. and it was one of the only things that would soothe my sore throat.

anyway, had a few beers until brett got back, and then he and i headed to DISNEY LAND. disney freaking land. i never thought we would end up there, of all places. originally, we planned to go to the zoo, but it closed at 9, and that would mean we only had ~3 hours for the $40 ticket. disney was open until midnight, which left us with ~5-6 hours for an $80 ticket, and i mean, it’s disney land. COME ON. i didn’t get as many pictures as i would’ve liked since it was dark while we were there, but the video i got of us screaming on the matterhorn more than makes up for it. that, and the electrical parade.

it has taken me like 2 hours to write this post because i keep having to get up to get more cookies and try and remember everything. thank god for NFL HD channel to keep brett from punching me in the back of the head. apologies for the rambling and such.

i hate shopping. i. hate. it. i especially hate shopping with other people. and i especially hate shopping with other women. someone PLEASE tell me i’m not the only female on the planet who shares this opinion.

i think it’s safe to say that 50% of my clothes/jewelry shopping is done online (thank you, etsy and kohls.com!), and the other 50% is done at tj maxx. if it’s not clothes, i buy it at wal-mart. or target, if i want something to not fall apart within a matter of days.

i know what i like.

i know what fits me comfortably.

i find it, and i buy it in bulk. literally.

i can’t STAND it when people critique what other people are wearing, or try to tell you what you’re not supposed to wear with what. it makes me cringe. the world has bigger issues.

i found 2 dresses that i really love at tj maxx–they’re cool in the summer (charleston is just too damned hot), and comfortable in the winter (winter in charleston doesn’t even count as winter), so i bought 6 of them. in every pattern.

i found the ONLY bra that has ever fit me comfortably, so i bought seven of them from kohl’s. in every color.

i found a pair of panties that makes me feel absolutely amazing every time i put them on, and i believe i have over 13 pairs of them now. in every pattern.

flip flops? old navy’s $1 flip flop sale and wal-mart’s $2 flip flops will probably be my go-to place for the rest of my life.

and i’m convinced that if i’m not at work, my camo pants with a cute top are acceptable just about anywhere.

i had to get that out. dear male readers, i apologize. dear female readers, do any of you do this?

brett and i had our first costco adventure last night. by adventure, i mean, we went down every aisle, and i pointed out every item like it was the coolest thing i’d ever seen. “WOULD YOU LIKE A GIANT JAR OF MAYONNAISE? perhaps you want 12 pounds of bacon. or maybe even… the biggest block of kraft singles you’ve ever seen in your LIFE! maybe even 20 pairs of gold toe socks”

when we first got there, we decided we really should have eaten first. grocery shopping while hungry is not a smart idea in the first place, and i imagine that shopping in bulk while hungry is far worse. WHAT? you can buy pizzas by the DOZEN? we MUST buy them! so we took advantage of the $1.50 hot dog/soda deal, prior to filling our cart. the hot dogs were delicious, by the way. even more delicious for $1.50.

it had been a few years since i’d been in a costco, and at least a decade since i’d been in a sam’s club. i had forgotten what the term bulk actually implied. like… you can buy a whole crate full of half gallon bottles of ranch OR you can buy a bottle of shampoo that will supply all of south carolina for a week. in reality, buying that much ranch is almost reasonable for me. i put ranch on everything. it’s sad, really.

anywho, we learned a few things…

1. only buy foods that we eat a lot of at one time, like lunch meats and stuff to snack on at work. we go through sliced ham and turkey like it’s nothing. we do not, however, need to purchase cheese like we’re storing up for the apocalypse.
2. the giant jars of mayonnaise might actually be acceptable, but only to go along with the 15 cans of tuna i bought. and sammiches, of course. and pasta salad. ONLY if it never actually makes skin contact, because mayonnaise REALLY grosses me out.
3. 2 marinaded pork tenderloins for $11 is pretty freaking fantastic.
4. definitely keep buying milk at costco. why? because brett could drink a gallon a day, if you let him. easily. the only thing holding him back is refrigerator space.
5. their chicken and cheese ravioli is absolutely heavenly. try it. it might just change your life. until last night, the only ravioli i ate was the fried ravioli from olive garden. the times, they are a-changin’.
6. keep me away from the patio furniture–especially the chairs that spin.
7. keep me away from the pastries–especially the 8-pound chocolate cake and the steroid-injected cupcakes. seriously, they are like 5 inches in diameter. i never thought i’d have to measure the diameter of a cupcake.
8. better yet, i should probably just be kept on a leash the next time i go to costco.
9. if anyone sees brett purchase another stick of deodorant for the rest of his life, beat him senseless. because he bought the biggest pack of deodorant i’ve ever seen, and i just don’t think anyone could use that much deodorant in a lifetime.
10. park closer to the apartment next time we come home. i forgot they don’t use bags, so for the first time in our lives, it took us 2 trips to bring the groceries inside. one of those trips was to get his milk, AND the 85 pound bag of kitty litter.

those are just a few lessons learned after our first trip.

if anyone else would like to share their costco favorites, please fill me in. i want to learn all of the super cool costco secrets.

despite the fact that i’m about to faceplant my keyboard, i have never felt this refreshed after a long weekend before. i guess that’s how badly i needed it. and to get the hell out of the apartment for a while.

brett and i went to mooresville for 2 nights this weekend–the main reason being he had to take a certification exam on saturday, and then to get new clothes to wear to work. as it turns out, spending a couple days relaxing outside the apartment, with family, was more therapeutic than anything. we sat on the couch in sweatpants, watched football, split a 12 pack of coors light, and ate frozen pizza. we originally planned on going back to charleston on saturday afternoon, but after walking around kohl’s for an hour we decided watching the game was far more important.

i got 5 shirts/dresses and 3 pairs of shoes for $115. i can finally stop rotating the same 5-6 outfits every week. except, one of my team leads actually said to me the other day, “whitney, you always wear something different to work!” and then i looked at her like she was insane because i have literally been rotating like the same 5-6 outfits every week. well, more like mixing and matching the same 5-7 tops with the same 4 bottoms… but you get the point. i end up washing the same set of clothes every single load. it gets so old. so i bought new things.

i feel like a new woman. i really hate shopping. i actually hate trying things on the most (but who doesn’t?) but i also hate trying to find things in my size. that’s part of the reason i’ve started wearing dresses a lot more lately. i don’t know if other short people have this much of a problem but jeans? that’s a nightmare. they’re always 8 inches too long if the waist fits right. or the crotch-seam area (i don’t know what you call that) comes halfway down my thighs. or the thighs themselves don’t fit right. i don’t know. it just sucks. so i started wearing a lot more dresses and skirts to work. any other time, it’s usually sweatpants, all of which have a crotch-seam area that comes down past my knees… whatever.

you know, if company dress policy allowed you to wear sweatpants and t-shirts, i’d get a hell of a lot more done. just throwing that out there. just my 2 cents.

i did get a lot of cute things, though. and i wore one of the dresses to work today with some leggings. and now every older woman i pass in the hallway immediately stops and says, “aww, you look so cute! i love your outfit!” so i’m going to go home tonight and burn this dress. juuust kidding. brett said i look like i just walked out of narnia, so i don’t really know what to think.

today is his first day at work, so i took him to lunch for jalapeno chicken day at madra rua. it’s so nice that i can actually talk to him about work-related stuff now. prior to him working, he didn’t have a security clearance, so when he asked about work… “what’d you do at work?” i’d be like “uhh… well… linux.. security.. stuff? i can’t say anything else… THEY MIGHT BE LISTENING” and that was pretty much it. i mean, some of it is still FOUO, but we can at least have a conversation now without closing the blinds. i don’t really close my blinds.

also… i do not have panic attacks every day. or cry every day. or freak out every day. JUST TO CLEAR THAT UP from the last post. a certain individual (i might have an idea of who) decided to blow up my comments. i used to do those things… all of them… just about every day. it was awful. and for a while, i did think i was batshitinsane crazy. then i quit taking birth control (first fantastic move, it changed my life). but i was still crying all the time. and having frequent panic attacks. and it took me until last fall to realize that it was because i wasn’t happy (for a handful of reasons). once i realized that, everything changed. i got my life back. i got ME back.

and then some more things changed. a lot of things changed–career, steady income, new city, new apartment, new everything… and like i said, i am happy. unbelievably happy. i was just stressed out last week and when i get frustrated, that usually comes out in tears, no matter how much i DON’T want it to. so… yeah. and instead of crying for hours like i used to, i cry for like… 2 minutes. if at all. and then it’s over.

i am not the same person i was a year ago, and i thank god for that.

i do, still, have the occasional panic attack when i’m in crowded places, or when i’m just extremely uncomfortable. like when i was at defcon in july and i had 9 random guys surround me and follow me with cameras and had to have a friend carry me out of the building. those kinds of situations? i will turn batshitinsane crazy. and there is a more than acceptable reason for that kind of behavior. i’m just not ready to share that experience with the internet yet. maybe one day.

i can’t tell if it’s a cold coming or just my allergies flaring up.

the cat has been crawling into bed with me lately after i’ve already fallen asleep, and he never used to do that. loki joined in last night, too, and she never sleeps with me. maybe they were cold–i tend to keep it ~68 degrees in my apartment. who knows.

either way, i woke up this morning and my voice sounded like i’d been a smoker for the last 15 years. i called elizabeth and told her i wouldn’t be coming in. my eyes were all swollen and i couldn’t quit sniffing and snorting and blowing my nose. i think the sore throat was a side effect of all the sniffing and snorting. i slept in until 10:30 and felt a bit better, especially compared to what i felt like at 6:30 this morning.

why does it always work that way, anyway? why do you always feel the worst in the morning or right before going to bed? i’m sure there’s an answer for that but i’ve never heard it.

i layed on the couch in my pajamas until… 3 pm. watched all my favorite shows. dreamed about being at the bahamas with brett and his family instead of… on the couch in my pajamas. he and his brother called me on skype to say hey and showed me the view from the hotel, which is hard to see through all the palm trees (which i get enough of around here, and used to be excited about, kind of ruined it) but i got a small glimpse of the clear blue water. and the swimming pool. and the sunshine. side note–they’re at the casino now and brett just texted me to tell me he’s up $200 in roulette. this is good because we’re going to vegas in 3 weeks. more money, more problems blackjack!

anyway, seeing them in the sunshine gave me the energy to get up, shower, and run a few errands. i took loki to get her nails clipped at petsmart, which was a nightmare. and a bad idea for 2 reasons–1) my allergies flared up again, and 2) there was an 8 week old shih tzu in there and i fell in love with his little squish face. i miss my shih tzus.

i also stopped at rite aid to buy more scotch tape (wrapping presents cleaned me out) and came out with way more crap than i needed. including dark chocolate, because she said that eating a small amount daily helps regulate serotonin levels. even if it doesn’t help, it’s chocolate. i still win. i also got more christmas ornaments for $2 and a new hair dryer.

it’s pink. and it doesn’t shoot blue flames out the end of it. i am happy.

i went to the gym, cooked dinner, and i am now planted back on the couch in pajamas. sounds familiar, right?

this weekend can’t come soon enough.