after almost 17 years and one hell of a life, thor passed away monday morning. i haven't cried this much since my loki died.

loki basically raised thor from the day i got him. he was a 7 week old furball of skin and bones, and i saved his life. and i am so glad i did.

because loki was his BFF, he grew up acting more like a dog than a cat. he talked all the time, snuggled all the time, rough housed with loki and dawn, and begged for food. when he was little, he loved taking showers with me, which was weird. that faded over time but it was a thing for a while. his favorite snacks were turkey and any kind of cheese (in very small amounts). he was playful, and so sweet, and so loved.

he stayed by loki's side in her final hours, and it simultaneously broke my heart and made me love him even more.

thor was with me through 11 homes, 3 states, college, career, 3 kids, and what feels like 12 lifetimes in between. he outlived loki by 8 years, and he has been my buddy through it all.

he was an amazing furry friend to all the kids. they adored him.

in 2021, thor met dawn. and just like him and loki, he and dawn soon became best friends. they played, they snuggled, they loved each other.

when they had to part ways over the summer, it broke my heart to split them up. i had actually planned on bringing thor with me to austin to see dawn at the end of this month, but we sadly didn't make it that far.

he was also batman.

somewhere during 2023, thor decided he wanted to try being an outdoor cat. at least partially. he got really adventurous, out of nowhere. when dawn went outside, thor went outside. and he would explore the backyard. he never left, he never tried to escape, he just enjoyed the sunshine and the grass and watching the wildlife. it made him happy.

he took a particular liking to caylin over the last few months, which was adorable. he started taking naps on her bed, hanging out with her while she did her homework, giving her extra snuggles, and he put up with her photo shoot shenanigans.

during the day, thor was my meditation buddy. he would sit with me every time. when he wasn't with me, he was curled up in a sunny spot, or on the couch, or in the playroom with the kids.

he would turn into a lunatic every time he had a good poo, and would do zoomies around the house and howl. he was like a kitten, even when he was old.

his favorite toy was a whisker claw :)

he would come up to you on the couch, and stare at you until you pet him.

he watched every show and movie with us, sat with me while i crafted and worked, and witnessed every game night. he was a stranger to no one, and snuggled all of our friends, sometimes even demanded it.

he would sit in your lap, whether you wanted it or not. he especially loved snuggling on eric's lap in the evenings, whether he wanted it or not. but you can't say no to thor. you just let it happen.

he was the sweetest companion. he was my thor.

a week or so ago, he started acting not-like-thor. it was such a difference, and it was so sudden. he was barely eating, barely going to the bathroom, wasn't going upstairs all the time, and mostly just hung out on the couch all day. he was still snuggly and talkative, but i knew he didn't feel like himself. i knew my time with him was probably limited, which is why i wanted to bring him to austin to see dawn one last time after getting him checked out at the vet. i didn't realize just how little time we had left.

i took him to the vet on monday, and before we left the house i picked him up and snuggled him. he was never the biggest fan of being picked up, but he loved cuddles. but he was so not himself that he let me carry him and hug him a while.

we rode to the vet, and as soon as we walked in the door it was like he knew. i don't know how animals know, but they know. they feel everything.

i had my hand in his carrier to pet him and calm him down, and he relaxed and sat with me. a few minutes later, i opened his carrier to take him out, and i heard him take his last breath. he was gone.

my baby thor of nearly 17 years, who gave me so much love and so many kisses and so many headbutts, was gone. i started sobbing in the room with the vet tech, and just held my arms out for a hug almost instinctively, and she let me bawl on her shoulder. bless this girl.

i sat with him and gave him pets and hugs for a few minutes before they took him. i drove home sobbing. i cried off and on all day. it came in waves, and sometimes it hit me so hard it made my stomach hurt.

it feels good to grieve and mourn someone you love so deeply, and miss so hard.

when i got home, i was standing next to the window thor's blanket is in where he watched the front yard. there were 6 cardinals in my yard. i've never seen that many together before. i wholeheartedly believe in signs, and that the universe winks at us. it made me smile through the tears.

i cried yesterday. i've cried today. i'm crying now.

i had him cremated, and picked out the same urn for him that i picked for loki. now they can be together again in the stars. i picked him up yesterday and put him next to her.

i miss you so much thor. thank you for being my best buddy all these years. thank you for the love and cuddles, thank you for bringing me peace and comfort through some of my darkest of times. i love you forever.

ohh, i am so… so glad that the first trimester is basically over.

i have never in my life been so tired all the time. i know i said that in the last post. but the person who is usually wired until 1-2am and willing and able to stay up longer… is now frequently cashing out at 10:30pm. this can’t be happening. turns out, it’s hard to burn the midnight oil without that 11pm coffee and half a dozen whiskeys. even my artwork has suffered. i guess the creative juices require whiskey as well.

that’s not to say i’ve let it hold me back from doing anything. i’ve been working from home a lot more–saves me roughly 2 hours a day in drive time, saves money (on gas and lunches), and BONUS i don’t have to do my hair or put on makeup. hallelujah.

still crossfitting 5-6 days/week, and i’ve been running a lot more.

i went to the AWS conference in vegas last week, which was exhausting in and of itself (vegas, 30k people, non stop talks/sessions/events, so much walking, work on top of it all, intense homesickness). kept up the workouts while i was out there as best i could (not the best gym for it), and subbed running 2 miles if i couldn’t.

everything else has been pretty much business as usual… with a lot more emotions and a shitload of TIRED.

luckily, i feel the exhaustion wearing off week by week. i’ve felt much better energy-wise this week compared to others.

to be honest, the exhaustion is the only “symptom” i’ve had so far this pregnancy.

not showing yet, either. i think it took 5 or so months last time. assuming it’ll be faster with twins, and a second pregnancy. i’m at 127 lbs, as of today. turns out, our scale was broken, and not in a rewarding way. i thought i was 118 pre-pregnancy, when i was actually 122 or 123. not a big deal, but it’s not fun finding out you’ve been 5 lbs off track in the opposite direction! so i’ve gained 4-ish pounds in 3 months. taking 7 vitamins a day + thyroid meds (oh my god so many pills), and eating until i’m full. 600 extra calories a day is a whole meal assuming it’s healthy–otherwise i could just destroy a double cheeseburger. but i think that’s frowned upon as a midnight snack.

so far, i’m just enjoying guilt-free chocolate. and a lot of extra fruit.

when i was pregnant with caylin, i had morning sickness. not bad, but enough to make me throw up on several mornings. at home AND at work. and that one time i threw up while i was driving to work because north charleston smells that bad. i’m counting my blessings i’ve made it this far without a hiccup.

it’s just weird because this time around, i don’t even feel pregnant besides the obvious hormonal changes.

i had my 12 week ultrasound yesterday, and it was the first time i could actually hear the babies’ heartbeats. prior to that, they were still too small so we could only see it on the screen. so that was exciting. they were so much bigger this time around, 6cm instead of ~2. doctor says they’re growing “better than normal” and that everything looks great so far. they were rolling and wiggling all over the place the whole time i was in there. the nurse seemed to think we’d be able to determine gender by the next ultrasound (1 month), so fingers crossed for that! i’d like to get started on a nursery. and names. oh god.

side note: it’s amazing how much you can forget in 4 years. i barely remember these parts of being pregnant with caylin. i’m thankful i wrote things down, which is why i’m making a point to write it all down again.

besides the pregnancy, and being gone for the conference last week, we’ve been busy.

we spent thanksgiving at a beach house on isle of palms. we split it with brett’s parents and grandparents, and my mom came on thanksgiving. it was nice to be out of the house for a few days and not worry about the logistics of actually hosting thanksgiving. brett and i went running on the beach every morning, roughly 2.25 miles. the first time we went, it dawned me that i’d never actually gone running on the beach before. it’s a shame it took me until 30 to do that, but at least i got to take the twins with me. :)

after thanksgiving and vegas, i was able to get the house ready for christmas. well, most of it anyway. we still have to put the lights up on the palm trees in front, and put the ornaments on the ugly tree in the middle of the yard, but the inside is done. caylin helped decorate her little tree, and also the big tree. she made a gingerbread house at school this week, so that is decorating the kitchen table. kind of. someone keeps eating pieces of it.

i have to interrupt myself here for a minute, and say that the worst and only bad part of 1) this pregnancy, and 2) this christmas, is not having loki around. loki snuggled with me for hours a day when i was pregnant with caylin, her chin always resting on my stomach. thor has gotten quite clingy since i got pregnant, which is fine, more so than last time. maybe it’s because loki isn’t around. but it’s just not the same. i knew i’d always miss her being gone, but i never knew how hard it would be. especially now.

moving on before i start crying. every year, caylin has at least 1 handmade/crafty ornament, and then she picks out at least 1 new ornament when we go shopping. this year, she picked out peppa pig and dark (darth) vader. i’m slacking on the handmade one, though. we have so many clay handprint ornaments now, so i’m pinteresting (can’t believe i just wrote that) for other options.

she started her second round of swim lessons last week. the last teacher recommended she level up, but our YMCA doesn’t have a level above the one she just took. so the new teacher is basically just pushing her a little further every week. she still loves swimming, and really loves the class again. hopefully we’ll get her enrolled in gymnastics or soccer soon, too.

1 child is busy enough–i am having a hard time wrapping my mind around what we’re going to do with 3.

i have absolutely no idea.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 3 CHILDREN.

WE CAN DO THIS.

loki passed away peacefully on the morning of monday, february 29. in our backyard, on her blanket, wrapped in my arms, brett there beside us.

it was one of the worst and best days of my life to date. i lost my best friend.

i have been putting off writing about it. i’ve been putting off writing anything. about shmoocon, taking caylin to disney world, life in general, caylin growing up so fast i can’t even believe it.

but especially this. because i knew as soon as i started writing i would lose it.

and i was right.

instead of loki next to me on the couch, there is a pillow. i sat down and got comfy, and started to move it out of the way out of habit, because that’s where she usually sits. every night, i sit down and toss the pillow to the other couch. and she hops up and settles in next to me.

instead of loki next to me on the couch, she’s on the shelf in the urn i picked out. i lost it when i put it up there, too.

she’s not there sitting in the hallway waiting for me every night after i tuck caylin into bed.

she’s not there at the top of the stairs when i get home every day.

she’s not there when i say goodbye to her and thor every time i leave the house.

she’s not laying in the middle of the bedroom when i get done showering. even when i walk out and catch myself saying hi to her and thor.

she’s not on the floor every night when i walk to my side of the bed. even though i still turn on my phone screen so i can watch where i’m walking to make sure i don’t bump into her.

she’s not there to catch the food that caylin drops on the floor. even when i catch myself about to call her.

she’s not there to get the first bite of chicken when i’m cooking. even when i cut off a small piece earlier tonight, and realized what i was doing.

she’s not there looking out the playroom window with caylin when my mom gets here in the mornings.

it will be 2 weeks tomorrow. brett vacuumed today, and part of me didn’t want him to. i used to hate that we had to vacuum so much. and now i’m just mad at myself for ever complaining about it.

she was the first pet that was ever MINE. i got her when i was living at fort bragg with adam. she went to 4 years of college with me. countless road trips. 6 apartments and a house. snow days. fishing. hiking. camping. she went to keg parties with me when i moved into a new neighborhood and knew no one. she was my guard dog/burglar alarm/safe place when i lived alone. she was there for our wedding. my cuddle buddy. she and thor slept curled up to my stomach for probably most of my pregnancy.

she got me through the darkest of times, and the best of times.

she was one of the best parts of coming home for so many years, and for several of them she was THE best part of coming home.

for a while, i didn’t think she’d get to be there when caylin finally came, with the cancer and all. but we were all wrong. she gave caylin 3 and a half solid years of companionship. thousands of hugs and kisses and cuddles. she was caylin’s buddy, her BFF, her shoulder, her pillow, her reading pal, the one who would ALWAYS be down to play dolls and dress up and cars. always down for a game of fetch, however short it might be. hearing caylin say, “i love you, loks” when we left the house always melted my heart.

i miss you more than i thought was humanly possible.

i love you, loks. see you again, one day. you will always be my babygirl.

i hit the 4000 minute achievement on my nike training club app tonight, and all i got was a new ab workout to download.

4000 minutes, and that’s it. no abs, just an ab workout. i have been going strong since march with very few lapses. the only lapses i’ve had have been around holidays when we’re out of town (aka the rest of this week, more than likely, unless i go running while we’re in NC, to hell with shin splints) or when i’ve been sick. or hungover. i’m pretty proud of myself. never in my LIFE have i had a workout streak this long. i think my longest until now lasted about a month during summer 2007.

i’m proud of myself, but less than satisfied with how far i’ve gotten. i’m still below my pre-pregnancy weight. i’m in great shape as far as cardio and stamina. i’ve gained a lot of muscle and i can see it. i can definitely see it. my shoulders and back are beastly and look like they did when i was still doing gymnastics. my legs and butt have visibly changed. my arms are a lot more defined. i just need to lose the rest.

and that’s where i’m stuck.

my biggest hurdle is still, STILL, the cravings. especially when hormones come into play. they are unbearable. i cave. i can’t NOT cave. they consume me. i hate it. all i think about for like 2 weeks is food, unless i get COMPLETELY absorbed in my work. when i’m working on a project that i can obsess over, that all goes away. but when i’m multitasking, jumping between things, and have time to stop and think, i immediately reroute to food. i’ve tried to stock my work locker with special K protein bars and snacks so i don’t actually go for the horrible junk food. that part has worked to some extent–i don’t gorge at lunch. and we stay up so late at night that by the time midnight rolls around, dinner was 6 or more hours ago and i’m hungry again.

if we went to bed at a reasonable hour it wouldn’t even be an issue, because there wouldn’t be any time for it to be an issue. but if we went to bed at a reasonable hour, i would have zero me-time, zero brett-time, zero time to get work done… not really an option. i practically have to drag myself away from the kitchen before going to bed every night.

i feel like this will be a struggle for the foreseeable future.

such is life.

these have been my thoughts for the past few weeks every night before, during, and after my workout. but then when i’m done, showered, and gathering my thoughts before going downstairs, i look through my phone at pictures of caylin from the day. and i find ones like these. especially ones that capture her and loki. loki’s tumor is back. to what degree, i don’t know. i almost don’t want to know. she is unfazed, and that is all i can ask for. i’m not going to put her through all that mess again.

loki is absolutely one of the best things that ever happened to me. when she is gone, most of these pictures will absolutely kill me. for a while, i think.

suddenly, every doubt i have about myself becomes unimportant, and i am reminded that i need to appreciate every day that i am able to take these photos, because they are numbered.

caylin turns 15 months old on saturday. we will be out of town until saturday and driving home that day, and i doubt i will have the energy to write another entry. so here goes.

at 15 months, caylin is:

• still not talking. she has “yea” and “no” and she kind of tries to say things, like cow, but mostly she makes up her own words, which is awesome. but we have no idea what they mean.
• absolutely loving bath time lately, and will pitch a fit when it comes time to get out. she figured out that she can drink from the faucet, so she turns it on and fills up a little cup and drinks it. it’s awesome. she also imitates me lathering up her washcloth with soap.
• terrified of dryer sheets and dryer lint. i don’t get this one. she was in tears this evening when she came upon a rogue dryer sheet in the hallway.
• more obsessed with loki than ever, and i love it. today i walked into the hallway and she was sitting on loki, riding her like it was totally normal. she hugs her ALL the time. loki rams into her, flings her to the ground play wrestling, and she takes it. nothing but uncontrollable laughter. it’s the cutest thing i’ve ever seen.
• also more obsessed with thor than ever. she frequently looks for him under our bed (his new home), and tonight she figured out that she can crawl behind the bed to get to him. and then she almost got stuck. we need to fix this.
• figuring EVERYTHING out. she can reach doorknobs now, so it’s only a matter of time. she also knows how to work the water dispenser from the fridge.
• obsessed with the fridge. she likes when we open the fridge door so she can rearrange things. she swaps things out from the fridge to the lazy susan cabinet.
• still obsessed with taking clothes from her dresser drawers, putting them in the laundry basket, and back and forth.
• still obsessed with pretty much all drawers in general.
• super cuddly lately. i don’t know what it is, but it absolutely melts my heart. it’s mostly in the evenings, but every once in a while she gets in that weird mood in the early morning. she will just run up and throw herself onto me, and lay there babbling about who knows what. she could be cursing me out in baby language and it wouldn’t matter. being able to hug her like that again is just the best feeling on the planet. i’ve been waiting for this for months.
• still pointing at everything and demanding to know what it is.
• newly obsessed with the baby einstein puppet anthologies on youtube. they’re like 20 minutes long–nothing but the puppets from the DVD’s. she loves them–especially the bumble bee and the koala bear and the wheels on the bus song. she lights up. but god forbid if you take it away from her. she will take my phone and hand it to me, demanding that i show her more videos.

every day is so much fun with her. even last week when brett was in california for work–it was just me and caylin. i was dreading it at first because she is quite the handful these days. and she was. absolutely. she’s freaking insane. it was a lot to handle. but she’s a riot, and i love that. i love that she’s crazy–i only hope she stays that way. i will be exhausted, but it will be so worth it.

it still amazes me how she has changed my perspective on… everything. she absolutely makes me a better person, i wouldn’t change it for the world.

this is me starting a new trend for myself.

i’ve been emailing myself snippets of memories and saving them randomly in evernote but i’ve never actually PUT them anywhere (unless they turned into tweets). so this will be that repository from now on. too many little things have probably already been forgotten, and i don’t want that to be the case any longer. this will probably be the most random one because i’m back-filling it with as much as i can think of right now.

i want to remember…

my interview to work at sparc. my hiring process took less than 2 weeks to complete from start to finish. it was awesome. but before my interview, i was terrified. i wanted out of my current job so badly, that i nearly cried during my sparc interview. i was literally shaking. but i knew i was in the right place when i finished up my interview with the CEO, eric bowman. we talked for about 20 minutes, and then he stole my phone from me after i mentioned my angry birds applications. i wasn’t sure what to make of that until brett texted me. right when eric had my phone. i wasn’t sure what to worry about first–if there were any unfortunate photos in the text message history or if brett had said anything inappropriate just now in his text. and then bowman responded to brett’s text message with, “she’ll probably get a job offer”. i didn’t read it until i left the interview. one of the best and most flattering surprises in my life.

one weekend in october 2012, caylin was asleep. brett and i had some drinks. FINALLY had alone time (i will never again take just CUDDLING or even the smell of his clothes for granted). i baked tiny apple pies and they were completely fugly but also completely delicious. followed by beers, sweatpants, and our sunday ritual of dexter and homeland. sundays in the fall are some of my favorite couch memories with brett.

another weekend in october 2012. caylin and i went to burger king for lunch (burger king popcorn chicken is my weakness slash guilty pleasure, nom). came home and had a boardwalk empire marathon all afternoon. cooked steaks for dinner. followed by more boardwalk empire, and probably sweatpants.

christmas 2012, when brett gave me an ipad and made me cry. i hate when he spends money like that on me (besides the engagement ring, that i can handle!). most amazing husband on the planet.

christmas 2012, when i let brett sleep in and caylin and i came downstairs christmas morning. she had her christmas dress on and christmas bib. i had ripped a copy of my mom’s disney christmas CD and uploaded it to my amazon cloudplayer with the rest of my christmas collection. you have no idea how crazy thrilled i was to play this for her this year (i will be even more excited next year). for like 15 years, i awoke christmas morning to this same collection of songs. i can only hope caylin has the same experience. the tradition has started, and she LOVED. IT. it almost brought me to tears i was so happy. i love my mom for all of the traditions and random experiences she’s given me. i’m more than happy to pass them on to caylin. it is so so so exciting.

again, christmas 2012, when caylin’s weird sleeping habits started. the only way she would sleep for a while was if i held her and rocked her to sleep. and then for a while it was only if she had her face smushed up against me a certain way. for the last month, she has to eat 5-6 oz before passing out, and then i swap the bottle out for her pacifier. and she has to have her face halfway underneath the pillow, or part of the blanket in her face. it’s like an instant off switch. babies are like weird puzzles that you can never put together in the same order twice.

how disappointed we were when we ran out of boardwalk empire episodes to watch. we have yet to find a new show.

the last couple weeks when we try and tire caylin out so she’ll go to sleep easier, and stay asleep. brett calls it putting her “through the ringer”. which is hilarious because the poor girl hardly knows what hit her when it’s all said and done. lately, though, we’ve turned the TV to one of the music channels and brett sings like… everything. his favorite is fergie’s “glamorous”, which is unfortunate. there are some things you just can’t unsee… brett dancing to fergie is one of those things. at least tonight he threw in some spice girls and bone thugs crossroads. but he runs around the apartment singing and dancing, i sit with caylin and make her dance and flail her arms about and jump. less than 20 minutes of that and she can barely keep her eyes open. she starts to go limp and her eyelids can barely stay open. it is the most adorable (and also saddest) thing i have ever experienced as a mom. it’s so cute, but i feel so bad, like we broke her–she’s that exhausted. tonight she just laid there in my arms looking up at me, barely able to stay awake. her cute little cheeks smushed against my shoulder. i sat there smelling her head and just hugged her. i almost started crying with her in my arms when i started thinking about it. it’s amazing how much more i love that little bundle of cute every day. she is just the most awesome thing that could ever happen to us. i’ve never been this happy and simultaneously terrified in my life. she is so perfect.

the day brett went to costco to buy k-cups for his keurig. and then he came back with 5 lbs of lamb leg and 2 lbs of macaroni and cheese (and zero k-cups). we still have lamb leg in the freezer. on the bright side, i found an awesome marinade recipe and the first round turned out delicious!

caylin’s little thighs with the weird wrinkles. a guy at work said he and his wife didn’t even remember when their kids had those little wrinkles. i don’t want to ever forget that. she has the cutest little damn legs. she loves to stand up lately and they look even cuter when she’s all wobbly.

how excited she gets when she gets to play in her jumper. girl can jump forever these days.

when she’s overly hungry and overly tired some days when i get home from work and finally get done cooking dinner (and scarfing it down)–it’s just a lethal combination. i’ll warm up her formula and take her upstairs. lay her down in bed. she can’t calm down enough to eat. the only thing that calms her down is if i sing jingle bells. i don’t know why, but that’s the only thing that works.

how happy she is to see us when she wakes up in the morning. rolling over and seeing her huge smile is THE best thing i’ve ever woken up to. waking up to loki’s face peering over my covers when she was 9 weeks old is a close second. cowboy brazilian steakhouse. having never been to a brazilian steakhouse, we didn’t know what to expect. it was pretty much a religious experience. awesome salad bar. black beans, mashed taters, green beans. we turned our cards to “green” and the meat kabobs started a-flowin’. parmesan pork, like 4 kinds of steaks, sausages, lamb, ribs. fried bananas (not my thing but at least i tried it). weird potato-ey stick things which were pretty good. the first words out of brett’s mouth were, “this place is BALLIN”. 10 minutes later, followed by “i think i’m one burp away from another sirloin”. 20 minutes later, followed by “we need to go next door to the tanger outlets. i just wanna walk. for a WHILE.” which is exactly what we ended up doing. we hit up the under armour outlet and he got sweatpants, a hoodie, and socks. i found an awesome comfy tee for $6. went to check in at the hotel. i got us reservations at the crowne plaza hotel (GORGEOUS hotel a friend of mine stayed at where she did my boudoir photography for brett’s christmas present, nicest hotel i’ve ever stayed in, ever). we immediately changed into sweatpants and went back out to buffalo wild wings to watch UFC 156. got a beer and a whiskey sour and sat outside, waited 30 minutes for a table. finally got a table that had us sitting under the A/C vent so it was blowing RIGHT in our eyes. had a few shots and stayed like an hour before we decided if the A/C blew in our face anymore we’d be passed out by 11. went back to the hotel and got drunk there instead. opted to download the UFC fights online and watch them later. excellent decision because there was a weird indian guy, probably mid 40’s, wearing a suit, sitting at the bar. glasses, receding hair line, very put-together looking. his phone rang and it started playing an incredibly vulgar rap song and he answered it with a incredibly proper sounding, “hello?”, like no one else in the bar heard him. so. awkward. then i got a text from brett, looked up, and he was mooning me from the balcony. showed up downstairs wearing socks, no shoes. we ate chips and got drunk and pretended we weren’t lame for calling it a night at 11:30. turns out, lame was totally worth it because it was the best night of sleep we’ve had in 5 months.

tonight, brett went to the liquor store near our house. stopped at bi-lo (it’s right next to the liquor store). he was grocery shopping hungry (even though he knew i was in the process of cooking dinner), never a good thing. never a good thing for him to grocery shop anyway (see earlier mention of costco). he came home with corn dogs, burritos, eggo waffles, a weird chocolate cake, uncrustables, another box of garlic bread (we have a box in the freezer), a whole box of pot pies, nachos and queso dip, frozen cookie dough, and a crapload of gatorade and naked juice drinks. i love him. but he is forever banned from grocery shopping, lest we die 20 years early of diabeetus and heart failure.

3 separate occasions. once it was the CTO of sparc. the other day it was my team lead. most recently, it was the CEO of sparc. they each came to me, pulled me aside, and had a one on one conversation to tell me how much they enjoyed what i wrote, and wanted to make sure that i knew how appreciated i was. i mean, really, how often do you get to say one of your superiors read your blog and personally came to you to talk about it? that alone makes me realize (again and again) how lucky i am to work where i work. where people truly care about your well-being. i have never felt like i belonged somewhere more. even my teammates have done the same thing, and i am so happy to have them as teammates.

this is a pretty good start to a new category. i don’t want to forget these things. sometimes it’s the little snippets of happiness that make a whole month worthwhile.

i know that i’m going to really regret not blogging more about these early months with caylin. it’s just so hard to find time to sit and just write lately. and when i do have the time, i’d rather be spending it relaxing with brett or cleaning or working or doing something more fun than sitting in front of the computer. i’m still going strong with the pictures every day (go me!), so i haven’t failed there at least.

every day it seems like she’s learning a little bit more.

• she is trying SUPER hard to hold her own bottle lately. it’s awesome. and kind of frustrating when her little hands are so grabby.
• she still hates tummy time, so i’ve resorted to carrying her around while she holds her head up over my shoulder. she likes to look around :)
• she tried out her bumbo seat for the first time a couple days ago. talk about adorable.
• this week we started putting her in her play patch gym, and tonight she actually played with the fuzzy stuffed worm for about 15 minutes, smacking it around while it rattled. i couldn’t stop smiling.
• she downs between 4 and 6 ounces almost every feeding lately, and weighs a little over 12 pounds now. growing like crazy.
• she enjoys bath time until it’s time to come OUT of the bath. and then she screams bloody murder.
• her bedtime has been consistent for a while. i put her in bed at 10, and she’s been waking up right around 7:30. every morning she wakes up full of smiles. it’s amazing.

never in my life did i imagine this would be so cool to watch. i mean, i never thought it would be boring. but the feeling i got tonight watching her lay on her mat and play with a little stuffed worm. holy crap. she had never interacted with anything that way before. to sit there and experience her actually learning right in front of me. figuring things out on her own. there’s nothing else like it in the world. loki and thor even came over and lay right down next to the mat and stared at her. when caylin reached over and smacked the worm, loki got excited and started to paw at the play mat and shook all the toys. caylin looked at loki and flashed her a huge gummy smile. i about died. and then i felt a huge lump form in my throat thinking about how loki won’t be there for her when she’s older.

brett and i watched moonrise kingdom tonight. if you like quirky movies, i recommend it. we also went and saw skyfall last night. we opted not to see it in imax since it would be crowded and a pain in the ass. also awesome. for half the movie i tried to figure out why “eve” looked familiar, and then it hit me. fantastic actress.

i probably mentioned this in an earlier post, but my mom watches caylin for us so we can have date nights on the weekends (THANK YOU, MOM). it’s weird to have actual “date nights” now since every night until we had caylin was more or less a date night. even if we didn’t go out to dinner, we’d still hang out alone together. cook dinner, watch movies and/or our series (dexter, homeland, SOA, boardwalk empire), have a few drinks, be happy bums together. it’s rare now, to be alone. not that i took it for granted before. it’s always the best part of any day, but i appreciate it a lot more now.

and more than that i miss cuddling. my god, how i miss it. since caylin sleeps with us, she pretty much owns me. i will be weaning her from that in a little while, hopefully. while i will absolutely miss snuggling her, i also miss snuggling my husband. bittersweet.

speaking of bittersweet, my mom drove up to north carolina today to finish moving the last of her things out of her house. my roots in winston-salem will finally be torn. thinking about that also puts a lump in my throat. my hometown no longer has my home. my dad and stepmom still live 15 minutes from there, so i can always go back. but it won’t be the same.

when she gets back tomorrow, we’re going to disney on ice. we’ve gone almost every year since i was little. we’re not taking caylin since she would just sleep through it, so brett will have some quality time with her tomorrow afternoon. i guarantee if jiminy cricket starts to sing (he always does, dammit), i will get all teary eyed. the last time i heard “when you wish upon a star”, i was on our honeymoon, laying on a beach in the dark with brett, watching the wishes fireworks show over the magic kingdom, 10 weeks pregnant.

and now caylin is 10 weeks old. life needs to slow down.

yesterday marked 7 weeks since caylin was born. it’s weird because it hardly feels like it’s been 7 weeks (feels like just yesterday), but at the same time it feels like we’ve had her forever. maybe it’s because she’s glued to either me or brett almost 24/7. i don’t know. either way, it’s awesome and terrifying at the same time. i still can’t believe that i am allowed to take care of and raise another human being.

this was also my first week back in the office, and it feels AMAZING to be back. after working from home for 2 weeks, or trying, rather, i have a new respect for working stay at home moms. and stay at home moms in general. it’s exhausting enough caring for a baby all day, but to incorporate that into a work schedule is insane. not to mention being stuck in the house for so long. we are so lucky to have my mom as a full time nanny now. i miss caylin when i’m gone, but if i had stayed in that house any longer, i think i would’ve lost it.

caylin’s accomplishments thus far include…

• she can no longer wear newborn diapers or her newborn onesies (comfortably)… she’s growing like a weed!
• she can sleep through the night! :) woohoo! 6-7 hours straight!
• she no longer has to sleep on my stomach to fall asleep :) bittersweet.
• she enjoys trips to target in her baby bjorn carrier. sleeps like a ROCK.
• she went on her first lunch date with me and amanda to get mexican and didn’t cry!
• the last week and a half she’s been smiling like crazy and making all kinds of adorable sounds that make me almost explode with happiness!!!
• she has successfully turned our living room into a totally babied out space. but that’s ok.
• she farted on loki’s head and loki actually had to evacuate the area!

i can’t believe that she’s already turning into a little person. it’s incredible.

i never in my life thought i would say this but BABIES. ARE. FUN. at least, i think caylin is. brett and i will lay her down on a blanket when she’s in wide awake twitchy mode, and just stare at her while she flails and makes all kinds of crazy sounds. it’s so freaking cute i can’t stand it.

so far, everything has been great. no bumps, really. the only thing i can even think of to complain about would be the fact that formula is so damn expensive, and she eats a LOT. a lot more than i ever considered. which reminds me, if any family members read this, PLEASE DO NOT BUY CAYLIN ANYMORE CLOTHES. oh, my gosh. the girl has more clothes than i do. if you really want to give her something, give her formula and diapers. more specifically, target money for formula and diapers. because that is where the bulk of spending money is going these days. she has officially run out of drawers and closet space and has clothes piling up in random corners of her nursery.

craziness.

on the pet front, loki and thor seem to be okay transitioning to being “number 2” these days. loki was a little depressed at first, and i think she still feels bummed out from time to time. but we are trying to give her and thor as much attention as we can. and in doing so, we have gone through incredible amounts of hand sanitizer. i’m going to buy a costco sized jug of it when i remember to do so.

loki has not been back to the vet since her last visit. i have pretty much decided to keep her on her current medication from here on out. nothing we’ve tried will kill this tumor and keep it from coming back, but the current meds are at least keeping it from spreading (at least that’s what it seems to be doing, vet thinks) and getting huge. she’s not bothered one bit by it and is in no pain, so that’s the best i can ask for right now i guess, especially after all i’ve put her through already.

so that’s the goings on lately. i have failed at blogging regularly, as usual, but i HAVE kept up with taking at least one picture of caylin a day. poor girl is going to be absolutely sick of the camera by the time she’s 5.

a couple months ago, i had to start getting my plans figured out for how i was going to schedule my maternity leave from work. after talking to other working moms and moms-to-be, i decided to work the last couple weeks until my due date strictly from home, take 4 weeks of PTO/leave once i actually have the baby, and then work an additional 2 weeks from home (or turn them into 2 more weeks of leave, depending on how the birth/recovery goes). HR told me that nothing is set in stone until i actually have the baby and figure out what’s going to work best for me, so that may change. but so far, that’s my plan.

well, my due date is in 7 days, so last week was my first week of working from home. and as uncomfortable as i’ve been, i wasn’t exactly looking forward to it. no one to talk to. no background noise except for loki’s snoring. just me and the computer and my thoughts. did not sound like fun. not to mention, daytime television is awful. i leave it on for background noise because otherwise it’s just TOO quiet. and because of that, caylin is going to have a special bond with gunsmoke, because it comes for like 2 hours after i love lucy and the andy griffith show. my mother will be so proud.

in hindsight, i’m thanking my lucky stars that i planned it out this way. between the contractions and cramping and my skin being on fire, i wouldn’t have lasted in the office. not without being completely miserable and about half as productive. my skin hurts so much that all i can wear is sports bras, big t-shirts, and sweatpants.

by about wednesday, i started to get used to the routine, if you could call it that. i wake up a little before brett does and make him coffee and pack his lunch. take care of the animals. i don’t have to shower right away, so i can just start working instead of rushing around to get ready to go. eventually i take a break to shower and eat lunch. i use my little elliptical for 20-25 minutes every day while i work, which ends up being like 6-ish miles on average. i can get laundry done and dinner is ready by the time brett gets home. not too shabby. plus, i barely have to use my car, which means no money wasted on gas. AWESOME.

i never pictured myself being 26, knocked up, and geeking it out from home. but life is funny that way.

aside from work, the pregnancy has been going fine the last few weeks. weekly doctor visits have been normal. i’m not dilated AT ALL :( but i still haven’t had any of the unfortunate side effects that seem to plague so many other women, knock on wood. no heartburn, stretch marks, breakouts, crazy weight gain, swelling–nothing. just the general discomfort of lugging around about 20 extra pounds, and random contractions here and there. i’ll take that any day, as long as i have my 1-2 glasses of wine a week to soothe it every so often. i took benadryl last night because my skin hurt so bad, but even that did nothing this time. i tossed and turned all night long, even in my sleep, so neither of us got much rest. one more week, hopefully.

also, the paper pom poms i ordered a few weeks ago came in the mail today, so i hung them in the nursery this afternoon. they were the last little bit i was waiting on, so as far as i can tell, the nursery is finally FINISHED. such a good feeling.

we’ve been re-watching band of brothers every night, sprinkled with some preseason football games and hard knocks. brett is practically bursting with joy since he gets a baby AND football season all within the same couple of weeks. i had no idea he would be so giddy over this whole thing, but it’s awesome. it makes being pregnant that much more bearable. i couldn’t ask for a more supportive, patient, and loving person to experience this with, so i bought him this book last week. half joking, half not. :)

as for loki, SHE IS DOING AWESOME. talk about stress relief. she is off the prednisone as of last week. and for the last month, she has been on one medication. this is her 3rd one (palladia, ceenu, and now this, i forget the name). and for a whole month, her tumor has not swelled up one bit. i can’t tell you how happy this makes me. the other meds kept it centralized but they didn’t shrink it, and this one has kept it suppressed for 5 times longer than any of the others. she goes to the vet on the 4th, and we’ll see if this medication is actually kicking the cancer’s ass or just shrinking it so much that it’s almost non-existent. either one is good, but i will be beyond thrilled if it’s actually working and killing the cancer this time.

after almost a year of fighting, loki will live to be a big sister! i absolutely cannot wait until she and thor get to meet caylin.

i hadn’t realized it until recently, but for the last 2 months or so, i’ve driven in almost pure silence. to work, from work, even when i drove to north carolina. that was 4 and a half hours of straight silence. i can’t think of the last time that happened.

usually i listen to either country, oldies rock, or various types of metal. it just depends on my mood. and for the 10 years that i’ve been driving, the radio or my phone has always been blaring something. and whether rain or shine, winter or summer, the window is down.

recently? i can’t find anything that fits my mood or what i’m feeling. the window has almost always been up. it is not me at all. i feel beside myself. like i’m hovering over my own shoulder going, “what the hell is WRONG with you?”. it’s just weird. i feel like i don’t know myself at all right now. and that’s aside from the fact that i still can’t come to terms with looking pregnant. i’ve never felt this ugly or unfeminine, and it’s pretty much the most feminine thing a person can go through.

evidently, this pregnancy has my head someplace it’s never been before. which is understandable, but a little unsettling that i can’t even find music to help me unwind. and it’s not like i’m constantly thinking about the pregnancy. it’s closer to the opposite, really. maybe it’s just like a mental state of shock.

i don’t really feel stressed about anything. financially, everything is in order. i’ve gone over every checklist imaginable except for the suitcase i’m supposed to pack. i have bought close to everything we need for right now (the list is dwindling, at least). i’m still stuck on the part where i have to actually have this baby come OUT of me in the first place, which has me terrified. that and the constant discomfort.

it’s been about 50 times worse the last couple weeks. sleeping is no longer something i look forward to, because it just plain hurts. restless leg syndrome has been fixed with my new little elliptical, and my body pillow allows me to get in a “comfortable” position. but regardless of position, my ribs and skin just stay on fire. and it’s gotten that much harder just to move around. just getting in and out of the car, in and out of bed, off the couch, and especially cleaning the house. after cleaning the house, i feel like i just spent an hour at the gym. kind of nice, but makes me feel kind of pathetic at the same time. i am stubborn, and very much independent minded, and i don’t like being given limitations. even when it’s my own body putting those limitations on me. i think that makes it even worse, actually. like today, i tried to squat down to scrub the kitchen floor, and i couldn’t squat. and it made me want to punch the fridge.

one up-side to this pregnancy is that my team surprised me with a baby shower/going away lunch today. they were sneaky and arranged a ‘team lunch’, and when we showed up there were balloons, presents, and these awesome cupcakes waiting for me at the restaurant. i love my job and the people i work with. i could not ask for a more awesome and supportive group of people. i consider myself pretty lucky to be able to say that.

on another unfortunate note, loki either has fleas, had fleas, or just got bit by a few and has a flea allergy. which, in and of itself isn’t terrible, compared to the tumor drama, but let me explain.

last week, i took her to get her heartworm test and more pills, and i opted to get the pills with the flea medication included because i noticed she had been scratching an awful lot. especially her ears and hind legs. she was due for more flea stuff anyway. basically, the flea stuff isn’t really doing anything, or the bites are just bugging the shit out of her. i came home from work today and she had scratched/chewed a small bald spot into her back leg (no biggie), AND she had scratched her ear/neck where the tumor is until she rubbed the skin off/scratched open the scar and it was bleeding quite a bit (this is a biggie).

i had already put my pajamas on and had dinner in the oven when i noticed it. not really a big deal since we live across the street from the vet, but it also means that i went to the vet in my pajamas. christmas pajamas. lovely. they told me to give her benadryl, and gave me a cone for her to wear until the cut heals up enough. and now not only is loki pissed at me for the evening, but thor is terrified of the cone and won’t come out of hiding. i can’t win here.

awesome surprise lunch, and then loki is back at the vet. i feel like seinfeld. “see, things always even out for me.“

i just want this week to be over.

i took loki to the vet on monday to get her next set of pills and to get bloodwork done. it had only been 3 weeks so it was too soon to tell if her new meds were working, but she was due for the second round on wednesday. bloodwork was necessary in order to do the second round. her bloodwork came back saying she wasn’t ready. white blood cell count too low. we have to wait until monday to test her again, and then get more pills. which means her meds are delayed a week, and i spent $150 to find that out. monday will likely cost another $100, plus the cost of the pills. i am so sick of this.

tuesday and wednesday feel like a blur. i honestly can’t remember what i’ve done day to day lately. i do know i’ve had a lot of ice cream. brett and i watched bullhead last night–really strange movie. anyway.

today, right before i ate lunch, i got my exam results from my RHS/EX333 exam last week. huge disappointment. i didn’t pass. i came close, but i did not pass. and i mean, i’m 25. i haven’t been doing this stuff for nearly as long as everyone else i know who has the certification. i was by far the youngest person in the class. most of the people i know with this cert are lightyears ahead of me, and even a handful of them have told me they didn’t pass it on their first attempt. i don’t feel stupid. i’m not stupid. this is stuff i know how to do, and i know that. i’m just pissed. no one likes that feeling. when you see your grade and your stomach just sinks to the floor.

i know the material. i’m comfortable doing everything i did in the exam, with the exception of DNS, since i don’t do it on a day-to-day basis, or even close. everything i did in the exam, i did successfully at least once in the lab. or have done at some point on the job. a 6 hour exam sounds like a long time, but it really isn’t much when you try and cram that much content into it. add in stress and the panic of finishing without forgetting shit. i hate that feeling. practical exams, although i absolutely think they’re a great test of skill, are the devil. this was the hardest test i’ve taken in my life, hands down.

i learned a LOT in the course, so the money was more than well spent. i just hate the thought of sitting through that 6 hours again. daunting. it won’t be until next year, unfortunately, because the next exam is in september, and i’ll be recovering from childbirth at that point. possibly the only thing that scares me more than taking that exam again.

anyway, moving on before i get pissed again. before i left for my class last week, i was reformatting my laptop, and started getting all kinds of errors. the HD had a lot of errors when i did an fsck, but even windows 7 BSOD’ed on me. so i thought maybe after 3 years that my HD was going bad. i decided to say the hell with it and just bring my work laptops with me to the class. last thing i needed to worry about.

i didn’t return to using my home laptop until today. i borrowed a HD from a friend since i didn’t want to spend $200 on a new solid state just yet. i booted fedora live to run a memory diagnostic just in case it was the memory i bought. the memory i bought off of newegg IN MAY. to my surprise, my screen is full of red. full of memory errors. bullshit.

i had brett ride with me to the compuzone down the street before they closed and bought 8 more gigs of memory, snapped it in, ran a memory check again, and it works like a charm. i doubt i’ll be able to return my bad RAM but that’s something i just don’t want to deal with this week. in the end, it’s $40. it’s still less than the $ i would’ve spent on a new hard drive. even though a solid state would’ve been nice.

so then, i reformatted, started to get everything back in order. i got a call from a coworker saying we were having production issues, so i hopped online to work for a few hours. tried to multitask. on my work laptop on half of my desk, and mine on the other. currently, i have 2 500GB external hard drives that i use to back up everything i hold dear. all of my photos, movies, work, etc. gets backed up weekly and rsync’ed onto the other drive. and i’m so glad i invested in 2 drives, because i plugged in the first drive to get my home directory files to restore, and it is completely unreadable. just dead. nothing recognizes it. all my shit == gone.

while i’m trying to focus on work, i am in a state of half panic/half elation because i couldn’t believe that something else just broke. and it’s possibly the second most valuable thing in this house besides my engagement ring (25 years of home movies and photos is priceless). half elation because i was so relieved that i thought to buy a second drive to mirror everything on. i would be beside myself right now otherwise.

i got done with work crap and went to say hi to brett who has been playing battlefield all night. he told me to get off the computer and relax. i told him that i couldn’t because in addition to my memory crapping out, my hard drive just shat itself, too. so now i have to find another method of backup. i never really put much thought into online backups, until now. my buddy referred me to CrashPlan–affordable, encrypted backups with unlimited space. $5/month. not too shabby. so i’m in the process of doing that right now.

166MB out of… almost 400GB of data that i have to back up. it’s been running for 40 minutes. it’s gonna be a while. :(

to end on a much happier note, brett and i had our baby shower this past weekend at my dad and stepmom’s house. it was absolutely amazing, simply because of the people who were there. i couldn’t have asked for a more perfect afternoon. we are so lucky to have such awesome people in our lives. i’ll post pictures in another post. right now, it’s time for me to have a glass of wine before i officially pass out for the night.

i leave for raleigh tomorrow afternoon to go to my next red hat certification course/exam. something i really need to be more mentally prepared for than i feel like i am. so i am blaming my state of unpreparedness all on the events of this past week.

one of my veneers broke off while i was eating pancakes, of all things. months after i had it done. went to go get it fixed the next morning and threw up while i was in the dentist chair. the dentist got me the trash can before it got ugly, but… not a fun experience. oh, the joys of pregnancy.

my laptop hard drive bit the dust. pretty important since it runs fedora, which is what i will using to study next week after classes. lucky for me, i run fedora on one of my work laptops so i’m good to go. i just have to buy a new hard drive when i get back. having to spend way too much money lately.

my car loan that i am STILL in the process of refinancing with my credit union hasn’t completed yet. over a month later. because the bank that i am leaving (could not be more glad i’m leaving) is taking their sweet ass time refunding my gap insurance. so the loan can’t be transferred until they credit that money back to my account. which means i have had to call every day to verify the status.

i bought the car through enterprise, got the gap insurance through allstate, financed the car with fifth third bank, who sold my loan to santander–the worst bank i have ever had the displeasure of working with. santander’s “customer service” reps barely speak english, and i have to mash zero about 20 times before it finally gives up and sends me to a real person. every time i call santander, they tell me that the money hasn’t been credited to my account. well, no shit. i can see that in my account balance. i’m trying to get the status of the transaction. they never have an answer, and tell me to call fifth third, because apparently fifth third is supposed to send them the check. i called fifth third to check the status, and they were like, “we haven’t received anything from allstate, and there is nothing on your account record noting this”. WTF? why hasn’t allstate done anything? enterprise faxed my paperwork over a month ago. the check should, at the very least, be in their hands by now. so i called allstate. allstate was like, “we never heard anything from enterprise. also, you still have your gap insurance” are you kidding me?

turns out, santander cashed my check less than a week ago and it still hasn’t been credited to my account. but i didn’t know that until i had the guy at enterprise call them and bug the shit out of them. which means santander was very wrong, fifth third was very wrong, and allstate was very wrong. which means that i will never do business with any of these companies ever again. and i owe the guy at enterprise a million high fives for actually making shit happen.

however, it’s only a partial success until the money actually shows up in my account. because although the check has been cashed, it still hasn’t been credited back to me. so i get to call again on monday, and i’m willing to bet that the santander rep i speak with will be just as clueless as the rest of the people i talked to. can’t wait.

none of these are huge issues, by any means, but when they all happen at the same time, it’s frustrating. especially when work is as crazy as it has been the last several weeks. good because i’m always busy. bad because i have no patience these days.

on the subject of loki’s chemo treatments, still no signs of success with the new medication. it’s only been like 9 days, but it is driving me nuts not knowing anything. besides the fact that the lump is still there. the vet says this is the most stubborn case of a mast cell tumor she’s ever come across. keeping my fingers crossed.

as bummed as i am about leaving loki all week, i’m even more bummed to be away from brett and home. i love having someone to make dinner for and do things for. if it weren’t for brett, i’d live in a giant t-shirt and eat nothing but cereal, bagel bites, and chocolate. all we do is hang out and play on our computers, play video games, and watch TV and movies. which sounds boring to most, i’m sure, but we are homebodies. we love wearing sweatpants and getting drunk together in the comfort of our own home (not while i’m pregnant, calm down mother). taking loki on walks and cheap dinner dates. we are very much creatures of comfort.

yesterday i went to the grocery and bought him a ton of stuff to eat while i’m gone next week so i won’t feel like a craptastic wife. i cooked a huge pot of spaghetti for him and stocked up on doritos and strawberries–3 of his weaknesses. and then he told me that i am not supposed to do all this just because i’m gonna be gone a week, and that he can take care of himself, but he is too good to me and i feel like it is my wifely duty to make sure he’s stocked up.

and speaking of being too good to me, he just bought us tickets to go see brian regan in charlotte next weekend after our baby shower. see what i mean? giant pot of spaghetti is totally necessary.

the last 3 weeks have been so busy that i have almost completely avoided being on my personal laptop at home, which doesn’t happen often. on the drive home from work, i had all these things that i wanted to get out of my head and into writing, and now i can’t think of any of them except loki’s updates. which i guess is the most important one right now anyway.

the bad news is, the palladia pills she has been on for the last 7ish weeks didn’t work. i’m kind of glad we found out now rather than 6 months down the line. either way, huge disappointment. more tears on my end. more needles on hers.

the good news is, there are apparently a lot of cancer pills for dogs, and that’s just one of them. so on wednesday she got her new prescription. i don’t have the bottle in front of me right now and i can’t remember what it’s called, but she takes 1 dose every 3 weeks. the vet said that instead of targeting certain receptors (like the palladia), it targets quickly multiplying/dividing/whatever cells (ie. her tumor). so… she goes back to the vet in a couple weeks to get poked again. meanwhile, i keep feeling on her face every day hoping for a miracle. and giving her lots of hugs. it’s been 2 days since she had her first dose and so far, no side effects.

i can’t say enough how happy i am that she ate all the awful shit she has eaten in her lifetime. it has given her an iron stomach for pills that, according to everything i’ve read, are supposed to tear her a new one. there was one week in college when i was so broke and hadn’t been grocery shopping in far too long, had no dog food left, and all that was left in the fridge was that hillshire farm sliced ham, peanut butter, and jelly. loki and i ate nothing but PB&J and ham for the whole week. but it would’ve sucked a lot more if i didn’t have loki to slum it with.

other than loki’s unhappy news, everything else has been moving right along. my mom closed on her new house down here, and this baby bump just keeps getting bigger and more uncomfortable.

we did find a pediatrician that we both like. brett and i went to meet him on monday. he’s nice and he’s not creepy, so he’s already the opposite of the pediatrician i had growing up. the only thing that rubbed me the wrong way was hearing the breastfeeding speech about 2 minutes into our visit after i had just told the nurse that i was not going to breastfeed. afterward brett kept saying, “they probably have to tell everyone that.” yes, to some extent, because i’m sure not every woman has heard the pros and cons. but if you’re talking to pregnant woman who’s regularly been going to an OB/GYN (one that their office knows very well), don’t you think she’s heard this speech once or 20 times so far? anyway, it’s his job. i look like i belong on teen mom. we’ve met once. he might just think i’m an idiot.

no new preggo side effects since the last post. the rib pain has dwindled and has turned into genuine discomfort. it just feels really hard to breathe now. like there’s not enough room for my lungs in there anymore. especially after eating anything bigger than a handful. i get dizzy a lot more often. i don’t have sharp pains as much as i have this weird burning tingly sensation under my ribs. not heartburn, because i’ve had that before, and this is a totally different feeling. it’s strange.

the baby kicks so much that it feels like she’s having seizures in there. all. the. time. when i’ve just eaten. when i haven’t eaten. when i’m laying down. when i’m on the computer. it just doesn’t stop. i don’t think she sleeps.

i’ve quit asking the doctor all these questions, because apparently everything is normal. so i’m just gonna go with it at this point.

the week after next will be the last chance i have to leave south carolina for a while. i’m going to raleigh for the week to take my next red hat training course. i’m really excited about it, and also not so excited because i know taking a 6-7 hour practical exam is going to suuuck when just sitting in a chair for that long is uncomfortable. if i’m not too wiped after the exam, i’ll be driving to my dad’s house for our baby shower the next day that he and my stepmom are throwing us. they’re getting a keg for our baby shower, and my mom is making rainbow cupcakes.

i can’t think of many more things that would make me happier than watching brett and some of my closest friends and family getting drunk at my baby shower while i chow down on rainbow cupcakes. seriously.

loki had her second dose of palladia today. still no side effects! hooray! all she’s done is bug me to play with her, tackle the cat, and beg for steak, so all is well with the world. :) i’ll be bringing her to work with me tomorrow.

in other news, my mom is coming down to spend this weekend with us. several months ago, i bought us tickets to go see wicked. i haven’t read it, but the musical is supposed to be fantastic, so i’m excited. it’s been a while. the last musical we went to was CATS, and that was years ago. i’m long overdue.

and for whatever reason, i decided to give my resume a facelift after dinner. it feels good to have a fresh start. i only included things that don’t make me cringe when i look at them. i’ve been trying to keep myself more organized lately, and it felt necessary.

along the lines of organization, i started making weekly dinner menus. i’m sick of spending a ton of $ at the grocery store and then forgetting i bought something i had a craving for until i find it in the fridge a week later and have to throw it out. now i only find the 12 things i need, buy them, and i’m done. and there is no decision making involved. except which cookie dough to purchase.

the part about my ribs hurting is just me complaining more about this pregnancy. nothing different there. at some point in the middle of the night last night, i rolled over onto my stomach while i was sleeping, and was awoken by a sharp pain shooting right up my stomach through my side. i wish i could say i won’t make that mistake again, but something tells me it won’t be the last time.

i was trying to find something to wear this morning, and between the hormones and the fact that i haven’t done laundry in like 6 days, i wanted to kill something. i found a cute dress/tunic that i used to wear all the time and hadn’t worn in a while. i put it on with leggings and my black skate shoes. and then i looked in the mirror, and almost died. i just turned and looked at brett like… how stupid do i look? he said it looked fine, but i beg to differ. it looked okay until i turned sideways. i see plenty of pregnant women wearing tighter clothing and sporting the baby bump and they look great, but for whatever reason i still can’t get past mine.

brett went downstairs, i went back in my closet to change, and then i went downstairs. and then he rolled his eyes at me.

B: couldn’t stand it, huh?

me: dude. it bugs me. why can other pregnant women wear cute tight fitting clothing and pull it off? i look like a fucktard.

B: you don’t look like a fucktard. maybe just a retard.

i can feel the love.

maybe in another month.

i spent about 15 minutes today reading articles/blogs online from other pet owners who have had to give their dogs palladia, and let me just say… that was a huge mistake. my stomach was in knots before we gave loki her first pill today. worse than after reading pregnancy horror stories. worse than reading about everything under the sun that gives you cancer. ugh.

since i’m not allowed to touch it (can harm the pregnancy evidently), brett did it for me using a plastic bag. he wrapped the pill in a piece of cheese. loki’s favorite. anything in cheese, really. inhaled it in less than a second!

and that was 4 hours ago. everything i read said that it would probably cause diarrhea, nausea, and would make her not want food. and i know it’s only her first one, but it’s definitely digested by now, so, no news is good news. and so far, all she’s done is beg for our dinner. and sit next to my chair with thor while they both whack me on the shoulder when i’m trying to work. normally somewhat annoying, but i’ll take annoying over sick any day!

i’m hoping that because of all the horrid things she’s eaten in her lifetime (a battery, my purse, flip flops, dip spit, cigarettes, sunglasses, birth control, my inhaler, the list goes on), her stomach has turned into that of a goat. impenetrable.

in other news, here is a picture of our new “nursery”. since we don’t have any baby stuff yet, it’s still set up as the guest room. just with dark gray walls now. the pictures make them look black, but i am going for this effect in the end. not goth baby.

i got home from work yesterday and rubbed the area where loki’s cancer had previously been removed. it was swollen. the vet had told me to come in should it swell up again, so i immediately drove loki over to their office. they aspirated the area and it came back with mast cells, meaning her cancer came back. after all that.

i cried all afternoon except for the half hour we were out to dinner. i talked to my dad on the phone and that brought the tears back even more. after that i was about sick of talking about it and thinking about it. this whole ordeal has done nothing but stress me out and make me worry sick. over both loki’s health and the money involved. with a baby due in 4 months, i knew i couldn’t spend more money on her. or let the stress eat me up anymore. it meant i had to wait it out and just let the cancer run its course, hoping it wouldn’t put her in any pain for as long as possible.

and then my friend jenn suggested i ask for donations. it’s the internet after all, and plenty of people have done far greater things than save 1 girl’s dog. it’s amazing what can be done when that many people get together and just donate a small amount.

i figured if everyone i knew donated $1-$5, it would be a good start. and if i didn’t make enough, i would just give it all back. she needs the treatment for 6 months, so it was all or nothing.

i set up the donations on facebook at 10:00 last night, fingers crossed, with a link to my paypal account to donate money.

within an hour, loki had gotten $400. by 12:30, she had $700. i was floored. i woke up this morning to $1500. and when brett and i were at lunch, $2000.

to me, this is nothing short of a miracle. i never expected this much so soon. or at all. 49 people donated money, and the 49 of you might save loki’s life for real this time. besides brett, she has been my best friend. i have spoiled her rotten for 6 years, and i can’t imagine having to stop this soon. and now i might not have to.

i ordered her pills this afternoon :)

the day i got her




the first week in the new apartment in boone

partying it up

she likes to watch TV

taking care of me when i was hungover

guitar hero boss

searching for quarters

being a good sport ;)

epic cat battles

epic cat cuddles

being a good travel buddy

total badass

she’s an excellent fisherman

but a very bad kisser

body pillow

she loves her brother thor

play time

excellent foot rest

she hangs out with me at work

they watch friends with me every night

she was there for my wedding, and now she can be here when we have our first baby.

you guys are absolutely amazing, and loki and brett and i thank you. we are so blessed to have such good friends in our lives.