• this conference was at a scale like i’d never seen. i’ve been to CES… bigger, by far, yes. but still pales in comparison to the level of detail and effort put into this thing

• went through ATL, got exciting airport dinner
  

• flew in and got to vegas around 7, got taxi to treasure island
  

• had a head cold since 2 days prior, getting worse
  

• checked in, showered, took myself to dinner and had a couple drinks, then stayed in on the first night
  
  

• walked to the venetian, totally lost. so many floors. asked a random guy for directions, but he walked me there instead. got my badge and AWS hoodie (stoked), quickest badge line i’ve ever been in
  

• in awe at everything at this point
• waited in line entirely too long for a bagel
• tuesday was the gameday hackathon, random teams of 4 assigned, got there an hour early, waited for my team
  

• my team is me, a self proclaimed noob, and a guy who says he has some experience, but is now mostly managerial. also he has to leave for 2 out of the 6 hours for meetings. i don’t have high hopes. many of the other teams have 4 people, not 3, and after hearing some of their conversations, more experience than my teammates. i’m confident in my abilities, carry on. also, unicorns!
  

• gameday starts, it’s themed “unicorn rentals”, we manage the servers that run the web application that manages the unicorn rental business, everyone is in full character and it is incredible

• the challenge starts, i hold our team in top 3 out of 100 teams, we are crushing it for about 3.5 hours, and then i start to feel even sicker. fever is hitting. head is killing me. they start throwing more traffic at us, we’re scaling and doing ok, but hadn’t implemented elasticache yet. dropped in place for a while during our rebuild, then got back up in top 10
  
  

• our team name is xkcd150. because… yes
  

• i feel like i’m going to throw up, i have to bail. this is not like me–especially not at an event like this. team later tells me they came in 13th. feeling accomplished! i slept from 5pm until 5:30am the following morning, feeling worlds better
• breakfast at the coffee shop, OJ, fruit and banana nut muffin
  

• went to the keynote, so many lights, DJ, music, the place is HUGE. i mean HUGE… never seen this many people in a room in my life. taking it all in. squished in between a million strangers, still trying to get work done on hotspot through it all. eavesdropping on everyone. so many people to learn from
• so many announcements… none of which apply to govcloud, but… new toys nonetheless
  

• met up with SPARC’s AWS rep for a coffee and a chat–nice to meet people you’ve only spoken with via email in person finally. helps to put a face with a name :)

• met up with mark, the guy brett and i met at the roulette tables at DEF CON.
  

• wandered the vendor area with him for a while

• vendor hall is overwhelming, scoop up a bunch of swag, start sweating due to anxiety and panic mode begins to set in… i found the developer lounge and a bean bag, made myself comfortable and settled in and got some work done
  

• back on my feet
• went to every devops/security/compliance talk i could get into. lines move fast but they are super long before they start moving. felt very much like def con in that regard
  

• ran into mark again at one of the security talks
  

• free snacks and drinks everywhere
  

• met up with sean (another DEF CON/layerone buddy), we run around for a while and then get dinner and drinks together across the street at a little mexican bar, bar segundo. got some strawberry drink
  

• run to CVS and back to hotel to shower and get ready for the pub crawl

• also had to pick up tickets to the sinatra show, totally forgot about will call

• went to public house to FINALLY meet @sawaba (adrian) and @dberkholz (donnie) for the first time. so excited.
  

• donnie had to fly out, so adrian and i went to the rest of the pub crawl. i lost sean somewhere in the mix.

• pub crawl was awesome, but the part of it that was at madame tussaud’s wax museum was the best. also they had tiny cheeseburgers, and free whiskey
  

• awkward photoshoot with mini me
  

• made it through the wax museum just in time for the sintra show. adrian told me he’d never been to a show EVER, so he bought a ticket. loved it. it was… absolutely incredible. i didn’t stop smiling the whole time. the pianist was frank’s pianist for years, same with the band… just… gushing
  

• went and grabbed dinner at the yardbird after… weirdest spicy caesar salad i’ve ever had, uncut stalks of romaine, delicious but awkward. amazing mac and cheese. followed by deep fried oreos… fried in RICE KRISPIES, served with CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM and DARK CHOCOLATE, omg… to die for
  

• had a few drinks, was responsible, went to bed at a reasonable hour, but not before organizing all my swag from the day
  

• woke up early the next morning in time for the next keynote, got there an hour ahead of time for breakfast again. more fruit and banana nut muffins and OJ… creature of comfort here
  

• made my way to the keynote, sat in the way back so i could get work done without people over my shoulders for an hour
• moved up to the front before it started, badass DJ playing, so much fun. keynote was incredible, yet again.
  

• more security talks…
  

• went back to the public house to have lunch alone and sit and unwind. sat down, looked to my left, and there was mark again. so we had drinks and food and talked until he had to leave
  

• i went back to the conference hall and went to a few more talks. deep dive on VPNs and a lambda talk
  

• met up with sean at the lambda talk, went to dinner after at buddy’s, an italian place in the venetian or palazzo… not sure. sangria and pizza and calamari. SO good.
  

• back to hotel to shower and clean up before the re:Play party… had no idea what to expect

• met up with adrian before the party at public house… ordered an irish coffee. he showed up right as i ordered it. lesson learned: don’t chug irish coffee
  

• we finally found our way to the party. evidently they moved it into a parking lot this year because last year was inside and just too small. the whole place was blocked off with ginormous shipping containers… never seen anything like this in my life. one big square, split into 4 squares. a club, a totally geeked out area (video games, bot wars, robots, quad copters, everything), a super active area (sky diving tunnel, dodge ball, inflatable obstacle course), and a lounge (mini golf, pool, couches, ping pong). all of which were stocked with 1 or more open bars. wide open area in the middle of all of it. waiters and waitresses walking around with plates of tiny DELICIOUS food everywhere… just… unreal. the people watching was the best. zedd was the DJ for the night… never seen a dance party like this in my life. hung out with mark and his wife and their friends for a while, hung out with sean for a while, people watched and ran around and just took it all in. got a re:Play shirt. watched adrian and mark destroy some nerds in dodgeball. toward the end of the night i said screw it, i’m going to the club area. because i want to experience a zedd party. i found a little empty circle to call my own and just went for it. another girl near me and i kept making eye contact that just said “OMG THIS IS AWESOME”. it was surreal.
  

• found adrian when it was all over with. party was from 8-midnight.
• he and i walked back to the venetian
• watched some girl get arrested. there was a random explosion of croissants everywhere, followed by a man in a wheelchair projectile vomiting, and this girl who (seemingly) robbed someone. older cop tried to arrest her and failed, just started man handling her, her top came off, her girlfriends all swarmed the scene. we stood there in shock because… croissants and vomit and what not. it made no sense at all.
• got breakfast… because it’s like 1am and why not? hash browns and eggs and sausage FTW. so good.
• mid breakfast, adrian says, “oh my god, that guy in the tinder shirt wearing the sunglasses just raised his arms in the air, screamed, and threw his glasses”. me, “HOLY SHIT THAT’S PATRICK!” and then i took off running. another DEF CON/layerone friend. works at tinder. so much fun. ran after him through the venetian, they were on their way to some club down the strip. no thank you.
• hugs and said goodbye. said goodnight to adrian. went upstairs and slept like a rock.
• friday was the last day. went to a great talk from a guy at coinbase. and another on AWS config rules
  

• went back to the public house. this has now officially become my home base. patrick told me he’d meet up with me there for lunch and drinks. shrimp cocktails and wings and fries and all the whiskeys. the bartender screwed up some other guy’s order (twice) and gave me the extra drinks. so that was fun. and convenient.
  

• i had a plane to catch, so patrick walked me to the bell hop. got my luggage, got a taxi, and off i went.
  

and off i went.

another successful vegas trip. this was vegas trip #9 for me. so… i’m kind of over the vegas part of vegas. but i do go to at least 1 show every time i’m there. gamble every now and again. but, for me, it’s not vegas without a con, and good friends, and good stories.

so much fun. can’t wait til next year.

i have always struggled with anxiety, self-image, self-consciousness, self-esteem… the whole nine yards. i’m pretty sure most women do to some extent, in at least one of those areas. it can be crippling and frustrating.

and it is absolutely a waste of time.

i don’t say this because i feel like it can be shrugged away, like so many other wastes of time. because it ISN’T just shrugged away, unfortunately. you can’t just ignore it. it manifests itself in every aspect of your life, whether you like it (or realize it) or not. it can ruin you. it can ruin a lot of things.

i say it’s a waste of time, because after i had caylin, i realized how much time i actually HAD wasted worrying about all of these things, when i could be doing so much MORE to fix them. when i could instead be fully enjoying everything in my life right now.

i’ve always tried to take care of myself, if anything just to stay skinny. but it wasn’t until caylin that i had a REASON. brett is obviously one reason. but caylin is a different kind of reason.

since she was born, i have treated myself the way i should’ve been treating myself from day 1.

• vitamins.
• cooking better for my family.
• working out regularly – i will expand on this.
• getting outside more often – this used to never happen. like, ever. sunlight does wonders for your mood. yes, it’s common sense. but i never took advantage.
• being more social.
• enjoying the little things.

i started working out regularly in march. i know i’ve posted about it several times. but, since i started, i still haven’t let up (except for vacations, it’s vacation. come on…). i’ve not only lost fat (and clothing sizes), but i’ve gained muscle. i weigh less and feel worlds better than i did in high school, even when i was doing gymnastics regularly.

i feel like i’m 17 again instead of 27. i have so much energy. even when i’m exhausted, i feel energized. powerful. like i could stay up another 24 hours at the end of the day. my mood has improved drastically. plus, i’m not [as] bitchy (generally speaking). it’s just awesome.

it’s not just me–brett started working out regularly as well. he works out with the neighbors almost every day while i cook dinner and play with caylin. i take her on an afternoon walk a few times a week when i’m waiting on dinner to cook and they’re doing their thing in the garage. sometimes i take her to the neighbors to play with their little girl. we all get some sunshine. we all get a little space. we socialize. we talk.

tangent: we have a real, functioning social life now. i feel like moving into this house was just the best decision we’ve ever made. for caylin, for us, just in general. it improved our lives in so many ways. this is one of them.

i just feel like our relationship is so much healthier now because we’ve taken all these steps.

he works out. i work out. we both feel GOOD. we both feel better physically and mentally. moods are improved. hormones are in balance. it just works. when we’re happy, we’re happy around caylin. and that is #1 priority.

my face hasn’t broken out in months. MONTHS. that is unheard of.

what i’ve been getting to, though, is how all of this positively affects the effects of social anxiety.

brett and i got back from defcon on sunday. it was epic and amazing and i loved every bit of it. but every year, i usually dread going. i mean, i am always excited to go, but i still dread it. i have a love/hate relationship with conferences, which is part of the reason i’ve only ever wanted to go to 1 or 2 a year.

every conference i go to, i panic. about eleventy billion times a day. the only 2 i attend (so far) are CES and defcon. they’re huge. they’re crowded. they’re full of thousands of people. it’s terrifying.

every time i’ve gone to one, i have had to take bathroom breaks every 20 feet. dart into the ladies room, stand there for a few minutes and recoup. re-energize. fix my makeup. fix my clothes. get my shit together. stop sweating. stop shaking. suck it in. move along.

this year, i had a personal breakthrough. a huge one.

because i had been doing all of these things over the past several months…

• i was able to walk down the halls at defcon without sweating through my clothes.
• i was able to wear a tank top and not run back to the hotel room and change clothes. sounds stupid, but i haven’t worn tanktops pretty much at all since high school until the past few weeks. i’ve always hated my arms and my back, and now i don’t, and can wear summer clothes for once.
• i was able to wear a skirt and not run back to the hotel and change clothes. (see last item)
• i was able carry ONLY my credit cards/ID/phone with me, instead of lugging a purse around. for years, my purse has been my excuse to carry my makeup and all the rest of my shit. dude–i had NO. PURSE. THE ENTIRE TRIP. this was huge. i never leave the house without my makeup. or my purse. this has not happened since middle school. it sounds ridiculous and petty, but you have no idea what a breakthrough this was. i felt liberated. it was incredible.
• my fake bathroom breaks were absolutely eliminated. the only reason for the stupid amount of bathroom trips was the free beer. thank you, vegas. thank you, defcon.
• i didn’t panic walking through the halls. instead, i frantically searched for people i knew. for my twitter friends i hadn’t met yet. for any excuse to reach out and ENJOY everything and make friends and see people i hadn’t seen and take in every bit of fun there was to be had.
• i went to the freaking pool. i got IN THE POOL. sans coverup. there were fancy vegas dancers and i didn’t feel like total shit. i didn’t get nervous. i didn’t worry about brett wanting to leave me for the pretty waitress. it’s vegas. this stuff is supposed to be fun. freaking ENJOY IT.
• i took brett to see zumanity. there is no way that i would’ve done this a year ago. absolutely no way. it was basically porn on stage. (um, it was awesome.) the old (and debbie downer) me never would’ve done that.

i know these examples seem half-assed, but if you know me, you know that they’re really not. these things individually aren’t really a big deal, but looking at the big picture, it is. i feel like a better person. a better woman.

i feel like i can be the awesome (in my head, at least. i will try my hardest, dammit) mom i need to be for caylin.

i can be the wife i need to be for brett.

i feel stronger for my family BECAUSE i’m a stronger me. i have more confidence. i want to enjoy EVERYTHING. everything is FUN. everything is awesome. i love work. i love life. i love playtime with caylin. i love every bit of all of it. finally.

i only wish it didn’t take 27 years for me to get to this high.

that, to me, is worth millions.

i was looking at the speakers/contests for this year and, to my surprise, some genius decided to put together a defcon freaking bike ride.

i may have screamed out loud in my cubicle.

we’ve been wanting to go biking for SO LONG. i’ve wanted to go biking in general for the longest time, too, but it just never happened. we talked about buying mountain bikes a while back, and that kind of fizzled. but now i have a reason, a big group to go with, and the las vegas mountains to oogle over while adventuring out on a 25 mile bike ride.

i am stoked.

they just posted the sign up form today, i signed us both up, and then realized i have to wait for 2 months in great anticipation.

never in my life did i think i would be excited about a 25 mile bike ride, at 6 AM, in the las vegas heat, after a 5 hour plane ride, with a 3-hour time difference jet-lag. AT DEFCON.

they’re organizing the bike rental procedure, and supposedly we’re going to be given water bottles, too. they may be getting jerseys put together, but that will probably be pricey. we’ll see. i think the most exciting part so far is that i had an excuse to buy a camelbak.

i bought 2 of them today. one for me, one for brett. one day, amazon will be the death of me, and my bank account. but $30 bucks each wasn’t so bad.

1. both of our birthdays are in july
2. it’s defcon
3. it’s a bike ride with a bunch of defcon nerds
4. it’s las vegas
5. it’s the freaking las vegas mountains
6. this doesn’t happen every day

i also need to buy a helmet, because the last time brett and i went biking, i was trying to steer with 1 hand, and take photos with the other, which ended with me nearly driving myself off a bridge into an alligator-inhabited pond.

evidence:

or perhaps i’ll just bring a water bottle and save the camelbak for my whiskey sour. it is las vegas, after all.

this is a kind of funny, kind of sad, and very disgusting event i witnessed while i was in las vegas earlier this month. i feel the urge to share it because something this gross is too much for me to handle alone.

brett and i went to the lunch buffet at our hotel one afternoon. neither of us had tried it before, and i don’t think i’ll ever visit it again. not just because of what happened, but also because my enchiladas were much like cheesy rubber. brett only ate fruit (smart move) and was facing a different direction, so he did not have to witness the awful sitting behind him. it’s safe to say he lucked out that day.

the table behind us consisted of 3 women who looked to be asian. or something along those lines. i really suck at discerning a person’s nationality if it’s not blatantly obvious. each of them had to weigh at least 350 pounds. LET ME FIRST SAY that i have nothing against overweight people. at all. there are many factors that contribute to obesity.

i think the main factors in this scenario, however, were the egg rolls, cheesy nachos, hot dogs, and ice cream, piled high on each of their plates. i had a tommy boy moment–“i can actually hear you getting fatter”. it was more than uncomfortable to watch, as none of the 3 women had any table manners. so you literally could hear. the food. and the smacking. and the squishing. also, what is it about larger women who insist on wearing clothing 2 sizes too small? it’s unattractive, sure. but that’s also got to be seriously uncomfortable.

anyway, i have this thing about chewing with your mouth open while eating. maybe it’s because my dad always told me to chew with my mouth closed when i got sloppy as a kid. maybe it’s just me. but the sound an open mouth makes while chewing something (like egg rolls… and hot dogs… and nachos… and copious amounts of cheese) thoroughly grosses me out. i can’t stand it–i just think it’s nasty, and it makes me want to puke.

i tried to put the image (and the sounds) out of my mind, and i took a look at their kid. he was maybe 3 or 4 years old and he was adorable. he was also eating cheesy nachos and ice cream (surprise), with a huge smile on his face, but i guess he thought he needed to 1-up his mama and her friends.

he actually picked his nose, put it on his ice cream, scooped up a spoonful, and ate it. HE ATE IT. i watched in horror as this all went down in slow motion, hoping, just hoping that he wouldn’t go through with it. and he did. honestly, i’m not sure which was worse.

has anyone else ever witnessed something this disgusting in public?