only kind of evil. she was trying to help, but i really wish she had given me some kind of warning. i went to the doctor yesterday morning. brett came with me this time since it was my due date and he wanted to hear the “plan” for getting this thing out of me. i went back first to do the regular check-up deal and have the doctor check to see if i was dilated at all.

i wasn’t. not even a tiny bit.

and then during said check-up, instead of just being like, “nope, not dilated, we wait,” it was more like, “this shit needs to start happening.” so instead, she forced me to dilate. just… WHAM. i didn’t even know they could do that. i started sweating. and all i could think was if i’m sweating after that one, god help me when a whole baby has to come out of there.

so that was fun. brett walked in after i got dressed so she could explain everything to us and i can only imagine the look of horror on my face.

evidently my cervix is still “unfavorable” and scheduling to induce me too soon (my doctor informed me that she had actually been hoping for today) would make the risk of a c-section sit at about 50%. and i’m not a gambler, but those are pretty horrible odds. which means we wait until my body cooperates and i go into labor on my own, or i get induced in a week. goodie.

but, quite honestly, after my doctor’s little science experiment, the former feels like it might actually happen if i’m lucky. my body definitely feels different. including horrendous back pain and a hell of a lot more contractions/cramps. i know nothing about making babies, but i’ve been told those are pretty darn good signs. in the meantime, i get to keep working from home. if nothing else, the next week will be even more awesomely uncomfortable. let me tell you how excited i am about that.

last week at work, we were all given a worksheet to fill out with our goals on it to go over with our team leads. family goals, lifestyle goals, work goals, technical goals–pretty much anything.

and then it dawned on me. for the first time in my life, i have no goals. well, none other than getting this baby out of me in the next 6 months.

something that (i feel like) should be such a relief… suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.

when i was younger, these were the goals i set for myself:

• go to college
• graduate from college with a computer degree
• get my RHCE and keep climbing the red hat ladder
• get a job where i get to be a happy nerd
• marry my best friend
• if all goes right, make babies, later… much later

besides the fact that the whole baby thing came a BIT earlier than expected, whatever.

i’ve done everything i set out to accomplish. and 3 of them happened within the last 6 months.

before august, i was still on the road that i was slowly figuring out for myself. i knew brett and i were getting married, but it was (originally) over a year away. i was in a job that i hated, so i had something to pursue in that regard. i wanted out, and that was something i could make happen.

but it all happened so fast that i haven’t really had time to think about what else i want to do in my life.

i guess this is one of those awesome moments where i should be totally elated that i have accomplished all that i set out to do, but at the same time it leaves me with the question hanging over my head like… now what?

i’m scheduled to take a red hat security exam in june, which will start paving the way towards the RHCA that i’ve had my eye on since i finally tackled the RHCE. but now i don’t even know how doable all that will be once i become a mom with an undoubtedly much more strict budget.

realistically, i will have to push all that out a ways. so realistically, here are my next set of goals for the next… however long it takes to get there:

• take the red hat security exam in june
• have this baby
• move into a house as soon as we’re financially able
• learn to raise said baby

not knowing what comes with having a baby, i’m pretty sure this list is all that i’ll be able to handle for a while.

a few nights ago, i had a dream that brett and i had a baby.

a few mornings ago, i spent the morning nauseated and puking.

that was weird enough for me.

however.

i was just informed by my supervisor that, a few nights ago, the same night, she also had a dream about me. a dream about me wherein brett and i had bought a house, i was pregnant, and she was helping me deck out the baby room in strawberry shortcake decor. the cartoon, not the food. also strange because i love strawberry shortcake (ever since i was little), and she does not know that.

i’m this close to driving to the rite-aid down the street and buying a home pregnancy test.