i don’t expect anyone to agree with me on anything i’m about to say, so if you are super opinionated about pregnancy and all the crap that comes with it, i don’t really care to hear it. because chances are, i’ve heard it by now (from my doctor or elsewhere) or i’ve read it online on every other preggo mommy blog out there. i’m not claiming to know everything or anything about this. i’m just saying that i know there is a lot of controversy, and as far as i’m concerned, i’m staying out of it. i’m making my own choices.

when i was little, i never dreamed of being whisked away by a handsome man so that i could marry him and have 6 of his babies and live in a cute house in the suburbs with flowers and sunshine. i dreamed of being a computer geek for as long as i can remember and finding a man slash best friend that i could geek out with for the rest of my life. that dream never included having children. i knew my family would’ve been more than overjoyed if i gave them grandkids, but it was never actually on my to-do list.

then i told brett i’d marry him, and it got put on my to-do list. because, my gosh, does that man ever want children. and seeing him as happy as he’s been since we came to terms with this whole situation has been worth it. even if i can’t join him just yet.

that said, i hate being pregnant. i’m not one of those women who swoon over it and have been dreaming of this day since they were 6 years old and can’t wait to get knocked up again just to pop out one more. the thought of changing diapers and doing “mom things” and having a car seat filled with crushed cheerios and dealing with baby puke still makes me cringe, and the notion of breastfeeding (while i fully understand all of the benefits), goes against everything i’ve ever felt about my own sexuality. raising a kid scares the ever living shit out of me, plain and simple.

when we found out i was pregnant, that was a moment of panic for me (and brett, too, but i think we were too much in our own heads that night trying to figure out WTF just happened to our lives). i knew about all of the lovely (read: hellish) side effects, but i also knew that since i’ve dealt with depression for nearly half my life, it was bound to come out full throttle during pregnancy. because i know how estrogen is so kind to women. some get along with it. i do not.

to my surprise, the only physical side effect i’ve had to endure during this pregnancy has been the little bit of morning sickness i’ve had. 5 minutes of puking every other morning before i get in the shower, and that’s about it. there were other days where it lasted 1-2 hours, but i can count those on 1 hand. i’ve had bad to severe pain in my ribs for several weeks now, and the kicking is getting much worse, but i’ll take that over the rest of the crap i was waiting for: weight gain (where it shouldn’t be), sore boobs, heartburn, aversion to certain foods, and i am not going to get into the bathroom horror stories people told me to wait for because that just grosses me out.

i know i should count my blessings because it’s been relatively smooth sailing for the last 6 months, and NONE of the things people told me would happen have happened yet, when they should’ve started months ago. the baby is healthy, and i’m still hardly showing.

but here i am bitching about it. and you know why? because *everything* annoys me now. everything. and i hate it. i hate feeling like a bitch on edge all the time. i had no patience to begin with, so basically the fuse is already lit. all the time. the only time i’m in a good mood (or what i would count as a good mood) is after i’ve already been home for about 2 hours unwinding from my day. the 20 minutes of “me time” that it used to take for me to unwind has been extended to, yes, a whole like 2 hours. and until then, all i want to do is put on sweatpants, not talk, cook dinner, eat, and sit for a while. it is only THEN when i can be myself again, and not feel irritated to the point where i want to kill something. lucky for us, brett is on his xbox as much as i’m on my computer and/or tablet, so it works.

and then after about 2 weeks of this routine, it all comes flowing out in about 10 minutes of tears that confuse the shit out of brett. every time, he asks me what’s wrong. and every time, i sit there in silence, because i don’t have a fucking clue what’s wrong. i just know that between the stupid hormones and the kicking of the ribs and the part where i’m about to turn into a walking gumball, i’m losing my mind over it, and that’s my only way of coping.

and you know what? i don’t think i could ask for a better husband to have by my side through this. because he knows to just sit there next to me and wait it out for those 10 minutes. he doesn’t try to fix it. he doesn’t get upset, because he knows it’s uncharted territory for *both* of us. and he knows that when it’s over i’ll be in a good mood and will feel a hundred times better, even if it was just to squeeze a few tears out. he’ll pour me a glass of wine, and all is well with the world.

until i wake up the next morning, feeling only slightly rejuvenated, and with a little bit less on my mind. the other crap on my mind being mostly finances and loki.

loki’s situation is still up in the air. the last time i took her to the vet, it was too early to tell if the pills were working or not. i’ve been checking the area every day, and it is still changing size regularly, so i’m pretty sure they’re either not working, or not working yet. the doctor said it could take 4 weeks for them to take effect, and yesterday marked 4 weeks exactly. she goes back to the vet in 2 weeks, so hopefully by then we’ll have a pretty definitive answer. i’m just hoping it’s a good one. fingers still crossed.

a bit of stress relief came yesterday when my bank called me and told me that my new auto loan had been approved. when i traded my truck in, i had $2900 of negative equity on my loan, and buying a cheaper vehicle made it an absolute pain in the ass to get a good interest rate (evidently a good credit score and income don’t matter in this case). so i settled with an absolutely horrible rate temporarily, until i could refinance (temporarily being the giant important key word). and then that bank SOLD my loan to an extremely shitty bank, who told me when i called, “i’m sorry, ma’am. we don’t refinance.” FREAKING. OUT. let’s just say, had i not been able to refinance, i would’ve ended up paying double for my jeep over the life of the loan with the old interest rate. not okay with me. so when i got that news from the shitty bank, i called my good bank. where i regularly bank just happens to be where i had my truck loan, and the woman who handles my finances is a freaking angel. i explained everything to her, and yesterday, she called me to inform me that i got approved to refinance with 3%. SWEET JESUS. evidently when gas prices go down $0.35, SUV prices go up, so my jeep booked out at a much better price leaving me with a much better loan option. so not only do my monthly payments go down to a reasonable amount, but i’ll only end up paying $2500 in finance charges and my loan is no longer for 6 years, it’s for 5. right back where i started with the truck a year ago, but now with a cheaper vehicle, with better gas mileage, and room for a baby. THIS is what i envisioned when i bought the jeep. not the twisted, stupid, interest rate hell that i was in for the last 2 months.

and another HUGE bit of stress relief came last week when my mom sent me an email saying she is finally closing on a house in charleston. it’s official. my mom is moving to charleston in like 2 weeks. brett and i decided to hire her as our ‘nanny’, except i hate that word so we have to figure out what to call it. for a while, we weren’t sure when it was going to happen, meaning we might have to look into daycare options should it not happen by the time my maternity leave ended. but now it’s for sure, and it’s happening months earlier than anyone anticipated. which means we won’t be on our own when the baby comes, and i have a much smaller margin of totally doing everything wrong. we’ll have part of our family close by. and we won’t be hiring a stranger to look after our baby. and i know my mom is even more excited than we are.

this post is all kinds of up and down and full of PREGNANCY BLOWS and GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING (minus the still unsure loki situation) but that’s kind of how my brain has been lately. life is awesome and 10 minutes later i want to hulk smash a door.

hormones are stupid.