brett and i were laying in bed last night watching a movie. out of the corner of my eye, i saw something scurrying along the foot-board of the bed. something dark and tiny, but big enough to make a shadow. bugs should not be big enough to have shadows.
i completely freaked out, and by freaked out i mean i started yelling BRETT GET OUT OF BED NOW AND TURN THE LIGHT ON SERIOUSLY GET THE FUDGE OUT OF BED AND TURN THE FUDGING LIGHT ON.
he got up and finally saw what i was pointing at–the giant cockroach dangling on our bed. now that he had also seen it, neither of us would sleep at all knowing it was still breathing.
10 minutes later, it was in pieces.
5 hours later, the alarm went off.
6 hours later, i got to work, only to be informed that over the rainy weekend, the pond next to our building had become home to 8 billion mosquito eggs–all of which hatched in the last 2 days.
and they had infiltrated the building.
about 6.5 hours later, while walking to the bathroom at work, i started realizing just how truly bad my wardrobe choice was. 1) for the mosquitoes eating at my backside, and 2) for my reputation in the workplace.
i have lost weight since i purchased the capris i wore today. suffice to say, they no longer agree to stay at an agreeable point above my hips.
let me just say, on behalf of the mosquitoes and the neon pink underwear i chose so tactfully this morning: THANK GOD FOR OVERSIZED HOODIES. because i didn’t take it off all day, and every time i did, something bad happened.
- the first time i took it off was to go to a meeting out of the office. something about XXL pink defcon hoodies doesn’t sit right with government couture. i was walking back into the building–reached back for the next 10-second adjustment, only to find a solid 2 inches of lace poking out of the top of my pants. FML. i wonder how many people saw that one.
- the second time was when i was leaving work. except right when i decided to leave, the sky opened up and the downpour began (thank you, hurricane irene. and you’re not even here yet). i borrowed a spare umbrella from work to go to my truck, pull it up to the front door, and only sacrifice about 20 feet of running through the rain to return said umbrella (instead of what would’ve been across the parking lot). except it didn’t work out that way. instead, i got to the truck, pulled up to the front door, ditched my heels, ran to the front door with the umbrella, and by the time i got there, my pants were even lower than they were during the LAST embarrassment, AND i was barefoot and soaking wet. at work. standing in front of my manager. god, help me. the rain started coming down harder, i bit the bullet, ran back to the truck, and as soon as i put it in drive–the rain stopped. go figure.
- the third time was a continuation of the second, at food lion. i had promised brett an awesome dinner tonight. we didn’t have anything to make in the house, really. it was either frozen pizza again or ramen. and i was (apparently) hell bent on making something that didn’t suck. i bought what i needed and hustled to the cashier. my take on this was… the less time i spend in the grocery, the less time i have to make an ass out of myself. again. which was so not the case. instead, i reached into my purse for my wallet, which required me to let go of my pants, which allowed them to fall down. and then i turned around. and then i looked into the eyeballs of each of the 8 firemen standing directly behind me in the checkout line. and i thought i knew what embarrassed felt like.
i know that i am very blessed with the life i live. i know that. i am lucky to be where i am, and i am happy. i am very happy with where i am. here. at 25.
i already do so many stupid things as it is. why, god, why? why do you make situations like these? so cripplingly humbling? on a monday?
and the best part? i got into the truck while i was leaving food lion. my phone was on shuffle. i hit play. and this song came on. i shit you not.