if you are reading this post with the hopes of reading about a light up bra or vibrating panties or a scantily clad robot, you are about to be let down, i assure you. the only reason those two stores coexist in the title is because Store A (i needed to buy LEDs) led me to Store B. this is a result of the man on the phone at radio shack giving me horrible directions that got me lost in the citadel mall. so i had a small detour to the store that scarred me for life, which is why today was only my 5th adventure beyond its doors. i ran out of my favorite lotion.

My Favorite Lotion

yes, it’s true. Victoria’s Secret scarred me for life. i know my parents will read this so… close your eyes, dad. mom, you’ve probably heard worse from my mouth. everyone else, i know you’ve heard worse from my mouth. i will not say how long ago this was (for my parents’ sake, i will at least say i had already been in college for a good while) because i feel like that is too much personal information for the internet to know.

i want to try to put this delicately but i don’t think it can be done. i wanted to buy an “outfit”. the outfit was for a certain occasion, after which my innocence would no longer be in tact. if you haven’t caught on, let me distract you elsewhere. even then, just walking by Victoria’s Secret freaked me out. i needed help. so i asked my very close friend (and ex-boyfriend), Collin, to join me on my adventure. he couldn’t turn down the chance to see me humiliate myself in public. so we went.

there we were in Victoria’s Secret. i was terrified, and Collin was, well, collin was probably in heaven. i immediately went to the clearance section (can’t really afford much in this store on a college budget) and found this cute, black corset. i wanted to get out of there, so the first thing i found, i tried on.

i went in the dressing room. i made sure Collin was sitting outside in case i started screaming (or crying). thank god for that, too, because within 30 seconds, i was stuck. o_0 there were straps everywhere. i had no idea what i was doing. i panicked. collin came in and he couldn’t help me. he found the “help” button on the wall inside the dressing room, pushed it for me, and walked back out. i waited.

by the time anyone came to my rescue, i had kind of figured out like 4 straps. i had 2 remaining. a woman knocked on my door and i let her in. she and i stood there and stared at my mangled mess, my face looking a little more horrified than hers. she pushed the button to call another woman in.

second woman came in. the result? the same clueless expression. meanwhile, i stood there half clothed, petrified, and hugely embarrassed that i even thought i could come out of this store without something like this happening. good god almighty, was i wrong.

they pushed the button. a third opinion (and a 4th set of hands) was necessary, if not to figure out what the straps were for, then to get me out of the damn thing.

enter: black female. disclaimer: i am not racist. i think that black women have the ability to take any situation and make it hilarious. she was absolutely what i needed to lift my spirits. and also to scar me for life. it did both very well.

she took one look at me from the front and one look at me from the back. you could see the gears turning in her mind. she had me figured out in less than 10 seconds. the next sentence was more than what i was prepared for.

“oh, honey! i know what them straps are. those are REINS!”

i didn’t know whether to cry, laugh, or run away. so i did all 3 at the same time. but not without taking my knife out, cutting off the “reins”, and buying the corset.

the point: Victoria’s Secret freaks me the hell out and since the incident, i keep my time spent in there to a minimum. mostly, i just avoid it at all costs. except when i run out of my favorite lotion. :blush: